Mike’s and Traci’s story

Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered — Ch 6

Hear the voice of everyday people — collection of stories and experiences

by Gabriella Kőrösi, PhD, MN, RN

I went to Mike and Traci’s house on a nice summer evening. We had been texting and calling back and forth for a while to arrange the time. When I got to the house, I received a wonderful welcome by Traci, her temporary foster child Alexi and their puppy. Mike was not home, yet he works as a Paramedic and was getting home any moment. While waiting for him Traci invited me into the kitchen where she and Alexi were preparing dinner. I was sitting and watching by the kitchen counter, listening to light music and Traci was asking me questions about the book, the purpose of the book and some of my experiences so far. She was also teaching Alexi how to properly cut with a knife. It was very nice and relaxing to watch them and we had a wonderful discussion. Mike arrived within 20 minutes or so and we all sat around the dining room table. This was the first time when I sat down with more than one person at the time to discuss their experiences. It ended up being a wonderful and amazing experience. We would go back and forth sharing experiences. There was sadness, tears, happiness, laughter and even a prayer together. We all forgot dinner and talked for over 3 hours. I left their house just before 11PM. When I first asked about experiences in addiction Mike starts to tell me about his encounters. Mike grew up with his brothers being addicted to drugs, methamphetamines and pot, alcohol, they been through the whole gambit. Mike is the oldest of 5 brothers and a sister. I asked Mike more about his brothers. One of his brothers started smoking pot at a very early age 7–8 years old. Addiction started to progress from there. Mike assertively told me that nowadays people say that pot is not a gateway to addictions, but it is because it lowers inhibition. He feels very strongly about this. Mike never got into that scene. His brother was using pot, then alcohol; then he progressed into other stuff.

John’s Story — Somalia

Mike’s other brother John did the same thing, he got into meth. John was diagnosed being bipolar at an early age. The addiction did not bear its ugly head until John got back from Somalia. Mike describes a real change in him after he got back. He was in the Marine Corp; he was 25 years old. John was there during the Black Hawk Down crisis in 1993. This was a horrible situation for everyone. Loss of lives, lots of injuries with a battle that was never supposed to happen, was never planned and happened anyway. Troops taking fire and John had no option but to fire back. Imagine the pressure that they had only seconds to decide to shoot or be killed. Traci asks Mike if John’s turning to drugs was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? It might have been Mike said, there were things that went down that his brother can never forgive himself. John had to make a very difficult choice and shot back. He was out on point and over there it is either shoot or be killed. He was being shot at and he had no choice but to shoot back. PTSD is inevitable in these situations, definitely. When John got back Mike continues, he dealt with the PTSD by going to alcohol and drugs. I asked Mike if John ever talks about his struggles with him. He does not. John was able to finally now get to a point where he is controlled with medications, he does not have those addictions anymore as far as Mike knows. I asked Mike how long it took John to get out of the addictions. Easily 15 years he said. He ended up in jail. He was in jail for 5–6 years. He straightened up in there. Mike helped him in the past. John came for help this last time after getting out of jail and Mike told him this will be the last time he helps. Mike and Traci outfitted him, took him where he wanted to go, dropped him off. They helped John go back to a base where he can start again. He lives in Oregon now and managing construction crews. John is now doing well. He was able to get out of his addition.

Mike’s brother Rob’s accident

Mike then tells me about his other brother Rob. Rob is still smoking pot and he lives in a trailer on Mike’s sister’s property. Rob has his alcohol and marijuana and that is his life. Mike sounded sad telling me this. He repeats it a few times. That is Rob’s life, work, alcohol, marijuana. Rob had an accident where he took half of his face off when he was high on drugs around age 32 or 34. Mike was not sure. Rob was trying to prove a point. He was high on drugs and it did not turn out well. Someone told him he couldn’t get a small tire on a big rim; he forced the small tire on the big rim to prove a point that it can be done. It became like a rubber band and shot the rim up into his face. Broke a big 8 by 8 beam that was 20 feet up in the air, shattered it. He lost his eye; he suffered a brain injury, so his mentality is now about of a 15-year-old. He can work. His mouth gets him into trouble Mike said, he has that adolescent mouth so there are no filters.

Mike’s dad also had addiction to alcohol. He has his own stories. It took a lot for him to sober up, until Mike’s mom was threatening to walk out. He was addicted for the longest time to alcohol. He did not touch the hard stuff. Occasionally now he might have a sip of a beer but even that he does not tolerate any more. Mike tells me if his dad touches the hard stuff, he would not come back from it. I ask Mike how this affected him growing up? Being the oldest he tells me he became the young adult in the family. Mike tells me that he did not get a chance to be a kid. His voice changes here. There is resentment. He had to do things a certain way or there were consequences for him. His dad understands it now that that was not a right path, and Mike now calls him a great guy. His dad’s story involves a car accident and a death. Mike tells me that there were multiple times where his dad should have been killed, but never did. He is a minister now. While all this going on with Mike’s brothers John and Rob Mike is dealing with his own issues of abuse. Mike suffered emotional and psychological abuse from his ex-wife. He didn’t go into a lot of what was happening to his brother. It did affect his relationship with his brothers. Mike does not want few of his brothers to know where he lives. It is very sad. They knew where Mike had lived in the past and he had stuff disappear. Things that were very important to Mike. I can see this still bothers him, things that his grandfather left him. Some of his weapons had disappeared. He does not want to go through that again. It is very unfortunate he tells me.

Mike tells me his biggest thing when it comes to addictions is food. He tells me he loves food. We laugh and we all agree that we all love food and it is difficult to get away from food. It was a nice relief after hearing the tough stories about his brothers. Mike tells me is that is hard for him to try to figure out limitations with food. Figuring out what he can and can’t eat as he gets older. He tells me he put on a little weight he points to his stomach; he makes me laugh. The biggest thing is knowing when to stop. We have a conversation about not eating foods that have sugar and corn syrup. The doctor recommended Mike and Traci to do the Keto food, not the Keto diet. He tells me that food is actually very good. They were doing it for a while. His favorite keto food is chicken cutlets or the pork. Traci laughs and tells me she likes all food. Makes me laugh again. The room sparkles for a moment. Traci likes vegetables, and/or a great steak. She loves vegetables. Mike tells me the thing is with the keto thing they cannot have corn, potatoes, bananas, starch, beans, or rice. We had a conversation about different diets, research and books. We talked about plate sizes in Europe, sizes of meat, having smaller portions. We all agreed that the more vegetables, fruits and nuts we eat the better for our body. Then Traci said it is also better for the planet. We laugh again. It was a very lively fun conversation, kind of lightened up the mood a little. People in general get excited about food. Mike thinks for him it would be easy to get pulled into alcohol because he likes it, and he could go without it, he tells me he does not need it. There are different bottles of alcohol in the home. They are in a small cart next to the dining room. Mike tells me it is nice to have it every now and then. Then Traci asks me if I want to know what she thinks his addiction is. Traci then said: TV and noise. Mike tells me he never thought about it. Traci adds that as soon as Mike walks in, he wants the TV on. He wants to fall sleep to the TV at night, he likes the noise. Traci feels like that is an addiction. Mike is a little taken back based on his reaction. He never thought about it this way. He tells me he can sit quietly but only up to a point then it “drives him insane”. No, he can’t Traci adds. He has to be on his Facebook. Sorry, Traci said to Mike:” I am telling on you”. Another addiction he has is he wants to hear the news and wants to see all the stories that people post that he can immediately say, did you hear about Iraq? Did you hear about the shooting? Did you hear about that plane that went down? Did you hear? Traci said it drives her nuts. He wants to be in the know. Traci is not saying it is a bad thing, but she tells me it is hard for Mike to be anywhere and not to be on his phone or trying to get information from a source. Mike tells me he goes out to the barn and listens to music. At this point he seems a little puzzled and family reassures him that they love him. He tells me he has had earphones on to do yard work. We have a discussion about music and positive benefits. Then we talk about social media and the youth.

Mike’s Work Experience

In the last 20 years Mike has been in the EMS (Emergency medical Services) field and has been dealing with the results of drug use. He had also been teaching various classes about addictions. As part of being a paramedic he is also part of trauma nurses talk tough (an educational training). It is not supported in his current community because of money he thinks. People have been telling Mike he is too graphic with his material. At this point the whole house smells like garlic. It smells wonderful. We all acknowledge the wonderful smell of garlic. Mike continues; he feels he is not too graphic; this is reality. He tells people if they want their kids to grow up and understand consequences of their actions this is what they have to deal with. In his program he goes over alcohol addiction, drug addiction, meth use, pot use, safety, seat belt use, distracted drivers. He used to talk to the hospital for minors and possessions. He had a class for younger kids and one for the older kids. He would go through actual stories of people who made bad choices and consequences and how it affects the body. Kids would tell him that they can’t get addicted and overdose on pot. He would tell them:” yes they can”. His slides show that it is not just certain individuals, it is everybody, all classes. He tells me about one group of slides involving a nurse and a firefighter and their daughter who dies. He shows me a picture of a beautiful young girl. It affects everybody. Some stories come from personal experience. Mike adds that the biggest thing about addiction is people think it is my problem, so it is not going to hurt anybody else. He tells me that we know that that is not true. He talked to kids before prom in high schools. Some of the kids laugh, they think it cannot happen to them. Mike has seen lots of these attitudes, kids thinking it is not going to happen to them, until it does. Mike talks about who is affected by an emergency situation related to substance abuse. He tells me about effects on first responders, he has seen decapitations, he has seen impalements because of the choices people make. The first responder is deeply affected by these things, the police, the nurses, the fire department, mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins, grandma, grandpa, it affects everybody. EMS is the best job in the world, Mike loves it. The problem is that people do have their ghosts. The ghosts, he tells me are not the old people, it is the kids. He tells me some stories but does not want them in the book. Traci recalls a time when Mike was coming home crying. She wanted to help and take it away. It broke a little part of Traci, seeing the impact on Mike. It was hard to see him going through the pain. There was a little silence around the table. Mike shares that at work they had seen heroin overdose, meth overdose, alcohol overdose over and over again. He sees the families who are crying on the scene because there is nothing the paramedics can do as it has been too long. Then he tells me about the unintentional accidents that did not have to happen, but somebody chose to get behind the wheel when they were drunk. I share an accident that happened in front of my eyes coming home one day a car flipped on its side. I ran to help; people were able to climb out I looked in the car and saw a lot of alcohol bottles in the back. Luckily that time no one got hurt. Mike then tells me that when he teaches a class, he tells people it is not a matter of if it happens but when it happens. He tells people the actual accidents that happened. He shows me some pictures from accidents. It is not a pretty scene. People get upset when they see the slides. I ask about the kid in the picture. What happened to him? Mike tells me the story that him and three other kids were driving down Hwy 26 in Oregon by Hillsboro, drunk, high speed, no seat belt, they got ejected. One kid walked away, he landed in blackberry bushes. One kid ended up on the road and suffered a brain injury, he was brain dead. It is still hard for Mike to share his brother’s story in the slides. Then Traci said something very important. She said: “A lot of lost potential”. Mike then tells me about more on the teaching he has done, shows me some more slides he uses. He gets a lot of grief when he talks about marijuana. Traci had sat through some of Mike’s lectures and she shares a story that impacted her more than other stories. There were a lot of friends who went out to party and they were trying to do the responsible thing and they had a designated driver. They got into the van and a lot of them were drunk and they all started to think that is very funny to block the driver’s eyes. He hit a telephone pole and he was the one who was killed. That is awful and very scary. Traci gives me other examples when kids think it is funny to shift the vehicle back and forth that could also cause a wreck because of the way the weight shifts. It is all funny until the end result because of decreased inhibitions. Mike tells me about an experience when he got drunk, he does not remember a thing that happened. He had no idea. He had a blackout. Others were telling him he was hilarious, he was hanging his head out the door of the car, threw up all over the place. At home he was stumbling all over the place hit the walls and the door to the bedroom. Mike does not think that was funny at all. He did that once and never again. Alexi was trying to say something at his point she had a hard time finding the words. We all encourage her. Traci asked her how the stories we been talking about make her feel? She said it is between a heartbreak and a judgement. Why would people do those things? She tells us she is not good at this. Traci tells her she would like to hear her thoughts. She said it would be better to sit down and think about things, the consequences before people get drunk, some of these things are very hard to even think about. She tells us she does not plan on doing anything like that. It is not a very good thing to do it. It is not her choice she tells us. She tells us about her uncle who every morning wakes up with 3 beers. After 5 pm he is done for the day. She tells us about a day when he was on his motorcycle and he started swaying his motorcycle back and forth. Alexi was thinking to herself; it was a very stupid thing to do. Very mature from a young girl. She was in the car behind him. She does not think that is a safe thing to do. She tells us to think about things because they will have a consequence no matter what. Take a moment and consider the consequence. Mike then steps in and said the other thing to think about is what is the economic impact, who will pay for this is something should happen? Insurance covers only so much after that who is going to cover the cost? Time lost from work? Productivity? Mike sees addictions all the time, he fills like it is epidemic. I ask him why he think that is? Escape and thrill he tells me. I ask him escape from what? Reality he tells me. There is no perfect answer. It is hard not to be judgmental he tells me. He sees a lot of addiction in the homeless community, he knows it is not all just there, but that it where it is most visible. He sees this with interactions with other crew members and interaction in the hospitals. It is an unfortunate assumption he tells me that if people are homeless, they are addicted. He said it is hard to try to break that barrier. There are few people who are regulars, that is not a standard for everybody else. It is more on a forefront when someone is homeless, more visible for people to see. Mike feels that addiction is something that people are trying to get out of but not sure how to escape it. Mike feels we don’t have enough resources in place to help people with addictions. People need to be ready to make the change to get out of addictions. He sees parents begging their kids to stop. They are hooked, they can’t get out of it. Mike sees it in families. Genetics is a factor but that could be overcome with help, the environment is a huge factor, the biggest issue is peer pressure.

Traci

Traci been writing notes during the conversation. Traci feels that addiction is a sense of loss of control and trying to find some way to get some of that control back. Traci shares that she did not have a lot of self-worth for a long time. She had found that to compensate for that she become addicted to work. She felt like if she can do work well, she is successful, she is good enough, she was working insane hours and really running herself to the ground. She went into a deep depression a couple of times. Traci was admitted to the hospital for one of those times. Even after Mike and she got married up until the time of her accident it was work, work, work, never take breaks, don’t take lunch, work late, go in early, bring home stuff to work on it on the weekend. She got a sense of her self-worth from work. She talks about the little rush with accomplishments or eating a piece of chocolate. Gain some control by eating, shopping or whatever it is, running for example, it gives a sense of control. She talks about someone in town who took exercise to an addiction level where it is even detrimental to the family. It is very hard to see it Traci asserts. Anything that can give a sense of control she said. She talks about someone she knows who was overweight, she had problems in her family, dealt with some losses. She started walking. It got to a point that every time she looked up, she would see her walking rain or shine, day or night to excess. It was impacting family time connections; it is still an issue today. Traci starts to talk about chocolate. She is still in therapy from an accident in February. She found that all sense control was removed. She found this in chocolate once she passed through physical pain and got to emotional pain. She got an addiction to chocolate and wanted to hide it. She felt like a loss of control about to losing control of her own decisions. Traci is still dealing with PTSD from the accident. It is incredibly hard to stop. There were times when she would only have chocolate all day long. She tears up. Alexi goes and gives her a hug. It is an awful feeling; she felt nauseated and still take the next chocolate. She feels lucky that she did not get into hard drugs, alcohol or tobacco. She asserts that chocolate is very much an addiction. It is hard to admit that she does not have control over that. We talk about moderation and how some people can do that or not. Traci feels either have it or not. Cannot do both. Food is very difficult. It is different for everybody, depends on how deep someone is into their addiction. Traci had a lot of help with therapy. Traci also tells me about child abuse in her youth. She has been shutting that part of her emotions down, as though she has been dealing with her 5-year-old self it feels like her 52-year-old self-talking to her 5-year-old self. The pain is still there. Traci is finding that as she is finding breakthroughs to help her 5-year-old self-heal, she does not have those cravings anymore. She is working through her trauma. We have a great conversation about childhood trauma. She feels that a lot of people who are dealing with addictions are dealing with past trauma. Traci feels that as human beings we want to be socially accepted. Part of it is peer pressure, people want to be accepted and want to feel good enough, doing what we feel others want us to do. Part of it is our brains and bodies and how it impacts things. Cover up sadness or pain to feel a little better even if it is for a moment. Hang out with friends like smoking with friends.

Traci tells me about some experiences when she used to be at the sheriff’s office. She started out as a junior in high school, she wanted to go fire guns at a gun range. She loved the officers and the work, she loved to help people. She tells me about two close friends who were highly impacted by addictions. One officer was responding to a code 3; lights and sirens at night to a call and he was heading into Seaside. A gentleman who was intoxicated with a very high level of ETOH stumbled across the road in dark clothes, the deputy did not see him and ran into him. He did not survive, and the officer really blamed himself. He took that home with him. It affected everybody at the department, every single person felt like it could have been them. It had an impact on everybody. The deputy had a lot of trauma from this, he was trying to do everything right. He went through a lot of therapy and got better. There was a lot of sorrow for the person lost as well of course.

Painful memories — Butch’s son

Traci tells me another story about another person at the police department who was like a father figure for her. His name was Butch. He went through something no parent should ever go through. He had a teenage son who with 5 friends were out in on old Hwy 30. An individual who was intoxicated come over the center line and run into them. All kids died. Butch was the first person on scene responding to this wreck. He had no idea his son was there. He went about his police business routine as a deputy to start checking people. When he took a look in the back his son was there, he did not have a scratch on him, and he was dead. He never recovered from that. Unimaginable trauma. All the boys were 16–17 years old. Traci tells me she cannot even imagine losing a child and losing a child with nobody being there for support. Butch would go into a deep depression on the anniversary. He would take time off and going into a drinking binge, he could not cope with it. We are not supposed to lose our children. It is just not right Traci said especially in such a senseless way. It made a huge impact on the entire community. There are so may emotions in the room at this time, so much sorrow and sadness.

The accident that changed Traci forever

Traci keep telling me stories and experiences. When she was a young reserve deputy, she went out on a call late at night for a wreck. They found a truck on the side of the road. It is very sad and devastating to hear about so much loss to alcohol and see the impact also that it had on people who had to respond to the scene. The story that Traci heard in the end that the kids two boys and two girls were out looping drinking and driving from place to place. Nobody had seatbelts on. The driver reached back to deal with a beer can that his friend put on the floor. He did not want a mess in his truck. He got off the road drove into a ditch and hit a tree. The driver got caught behind the steering wheel, the other three passengers got ejected from the car. The driver’s girlfriend ended up getting ejected through the windshield and landed in a creek, she hit a rock in the river with her face. They think she died instantly. It took a few days and divers to find her. The girl from the back ended up under the vehicle on the ground. She hit something with such a force that she lost all her bone structure in her face. When Traci got there, she was still breathing but she was just gurgling blood. Traci was praying that she did not know what was going and she was not in pain, there was not much Traci was able to do for her when she got there, she had no medical training, Traci did not know what to do to help her and she felt very inept and lost, not knowing what to do. The boyfriend in the back got ejected from the truck and ended up being upside down pinned to the tree by the truck. He was coherent and was asking Traci to help him. It was very dark, Traci was trying to use the flashlight and trying to figure out what to do, it was going to be awhile before people show up. The story is still hard for Traci to share. I could see the pain in her eyes, and she takes long pauses and big sighs throughout the story. I see the hopelessness and the internal struggle of the situation as Traci tells me that she was trying to help this kid but was not sure how. Traci was trying to reassure the boy. He was begging Traci to get him out then he started to ask about his girlfriend. Traci did not know what to say. He was in so much pain. She went up the embankment to look at the situation and this boy looked like he was literally cut in half. His legs were kind of flopped over. It was a living nightmare. She felt like there is nothing she could do to make it better. People could not get there soon enough. Traci was trying to warm him up with her jacket, trying to talk to him and reassuring him. When the ambulance and the tow truck got there, they were trying to figure out how to get this vehicle off of this boy without finishing him off and how to keep the bleeding and the internal injuries under control, so he won’t bleed out. It was a very weird angle even the tow truck was started slipping they had to hook it up to another vehicle. It seemed like a never-ending nightmare until they were able to get him out. They were trying to find the 4th girl kept searching for her all night. It was a very rough night for everyone. The driver ended up surviving and going to jail for many years for manslaughter. The kid who was pinned to the tree survived but could not cope with what happened and ended up becoming an alcoholic and drinking himself to death. Once they finished at the crash site they had to go to the hospital and talk to family and friends that had shown up at the hospital. They had to let the family for the girl who was under the car know that she had not survived. Traci ended up being the person had to do this. Traci remembers going up to this gentleman who was crushed and was looking for any glimmer of good news. He was in the hospital sitting in the hallway in a chair and Traci had to go up to him and had to tell him that his teenage daughter had died. I cannot withhold my tears. Traci never experienced ever before or after such a hatred that the father associated with her. He was so upset. Since then Traci had heard that his gentlemen had already lost another child to drinking and driving. Again, unimaginable pain. This pain is so great that it crushes a person. They cannot move, think or do anything. Life just stops. A pause, when someone’s life changes, their heart breaks in half. A person can try to glue back the pieces. The crack will always be there. He never rebounded from this loss. Traci tells me that for about 20 years every time this gentleman saw her in the community, he looked her with a hatred so great that crushed Traci. She does not blame him; it was very hard to see this parent in so much pain. In the last 10 years or so he won’t recognize Traci anymore. One beer can spill in the back-seat Traci said dramatically changed so many lives. All the 4 people in the truck were drinking that night. That accident changed Traci forever.

Toni’s accident

There is one more very close incident for Traci and that is when her sister Toni was involved in a car accident. Toni also agreed to talk to me and her recollection of the accident you can also read about in the next chapter in the book. Toni and her boyfriend went to Portland on a 4th of July. They been drinking and they were coming home at night when at Cornelius Pass, they rolled off the road at a sharp turn and ended up down by the railroad tracks. One of the railroad ties was sticking up out of the ground for some reason. The vehicle landed upside down and the tie went through the roof of the car and ended up in her sister. Toni’s neck had a 365-degree break. Her boyfriend was able to get out of the vehicle and ran for some help. Toni was originally diagnosed as a paraplegic. Toni thought she was abducted by aliens and they are doing experiments on her. Toni got medications which helped not to remember a lot which Traci is very grateful for. This is hard for Traci to talk about. When she got the call, she got her mom and went up to the hospital. Toni was in ICU. They let Traci and her mom to go in and see Toni for a brief moment. Traci was literally brought to her knees. She can’t even explain what it was like walking into the room and seeing her vibrant beautiful twin sister with a halo around her head, with weights pulling her head away from her body, so many tubes coming out of her body, bloody. She is still in tears now. Traci did not know if Toni was going to make it. Nobody knew. It was her twin sister from the womb, team T, always together, intertwined. Traci is crying. The family spent many days sleeping in the hospital. Traci spent all day long just praying for a miracle. The hospital had to wait days before the surgery to fix Toni. There was not enough metal in the area Traci explains to put Toni back together. The hospital had to fly metal in from all over the US. Toni’s C6 and C7 was shattered in her spine. She had to learn how to brush her teeth, how to brush her hair, how to walk, how to write, speak. Everything she had to start over from scratch. In the beginning she could not even hold a toothbrush, they had to strap it to her hand. She had to try to get the general function of arm in the right position. Toni could not get comfortable she could not regulate her temperature. Her legs were hot. Traci would ice her hands in a bucket full of ice water and try to cool her sister’s feet down, she would be hot 5 minutes later again. Traci would do this over and over again. Toni had a lot of nerve damage. Now she walks fine and drives. She is not taking any days for granted. Life is short and it can be taken away any moment. It is amazing that she survived and able to function. She can’t turn her head, jog or run but can do everything else. Toni died a few times after the accident. Mike said Toni died on the operating table. Traci describes Toni rose up above her body and had her boyfriend’s grandfather; come and show her the grave site and showed her the gravestone then took her back and told her that she is not done. Traci remembers the doctors coming out after the surgery and telling the family that she died a couple times and they were not sure if she is going to survive. The doctors were struggling keeping her alive. Toni thought her family will think she is crazy when she told them about her experience. Toni did not know she died on the table; she was shocked to find out. Toni kept her bloody clothes for a long time, she kept them for years before opening the bag and letting go that part of her story. Her survival and the wreck impacted many, many people Traci asserts. Toni is into helping others. Traci is very adamant about drinking and driving and she knows the impact it can have firsthand on individuals, families, communities. It took Toni months to recover in the hospital. She was in a rehab facility and in a wheelchair for a long time and slowly recovered. At the time this happened one of Traci’s job was as a cocktail waitress. She was always cognizant of cutting people off. After the accident she could not serve even one drink to anybody. She could not bring herself to serve alcohol anymore. She could not do it. She could not even serve alcohol in the restaurant. She had to stop. It impacted her life in every way. Her sister now lives in California. Traci did not know in the beginning that she had anything to add to this book. Now with all these experiences bubbling up there is so much to tell. The room is flooded with emotions. We had been talking for hours. We occasionally get up take little breaks I offer the family to eat, they don’t. There is too much to say.

Traci’s family

Traci tells me about addiction in her family. She had an aunt and an uncle who she never met but heard stories about. They were alcoholics. They had never left their homes. They had alcohol ordered by the case delivered to their door. They were so inebriated all the time that there would be fecal matter and urine all over the place. They could not feed themselves. They could not even go into the bathroom to defecate. This always scared Traci. Because of this Traci always had this rule that even if she is very sad or upset, she would not turn to alcohol. She was terrified of the genetic predisposition of alcoholism. She did not want to end up the same way. It always impacted her. She also had a grandfather and grandmother where it was a daily event to drink. It impacted many lives. Her grandmother would drink and maybe cook meals. Never figured out how to write a check or drive a car. That was her life. They came out once when Traci’s parents were building a house. Their grandmother could not even step over a pipe without grandfather she become so reliant on him for everything. It made Traci very confused. There was a lot of co-dependence issues. Traci felt that this was the was her grandfather kept control. She hated to say this. Mike said it was manipulation. Her grandmother was drinking more than her grandfather, Traci said, still he definitely had a drinking problem. Traci decided when she saw the codependence one day that she will never be that person. She knew that will not be a path she will take in her life. The family for a long time did not realize her father’s drinking problem and the extent of it. Her father would have big water containers in the back of the fridge, that were constantly filled with alcohol. It took them years to figure it out. Addictive issues always scared Traci and because of this being addicted to chocolate is been very hard. Traci wants to believe that she is stronger than that. Even though it is not alcohol or something else it still bothers Traci. It makes her vulnerable. Traci starts to tell me about her brother. He was really drinking a lot. He is doing well now, but for a long time they did not have a relationship. He was either a mean drunk or the life of the party. Traci could not handle that type of turmoil in her life. It was too much to put herself through it. It estranged them. He was drinking and driving with his young son in the car with him. Traci could not understand why he would do that. Drink and drive with his son in the car, it made Traci angry. Traci was worried about others in the road. Traci had an accident last year, her brother told her it saved the family, now everyone is communicating again. It woke everybody up. With addiction Traci feels people believe that it will not happen to them not just when it comes to drugs and alcohol but to gambling, sex or anything else. Traci asserts that it is so easy to think that it only happens to the other people, until it doesn’t. She feels it is hard to get the perspective that it can happen until someone is impacted by it. This is especially hard to get for young people whose brain is still developing. At this point tears are flowing and Alexi all the sudden asks for everyone’s hands and ask if we can pray. Traci said sure if she would like to. We sit around the table holding hands. It is late, after 10 pm at night, it is dark outside. None of us had dinner, kind of forgot while telling stories. It is quiet, only can hear the water circulating in the aquarium. Alexi said this prayer:

Prayer by Alexi: God, I hope that every time we drive or make a wise or a stupid decision, make sure to guide us to our believes and mis guidance’s. God, I hope that this wonderful lady who I am holding hands with makes it home safely. And everybody to have a wonderful life. Jesus, Lord, Amen.

Traci said to Alexi, that was very nice, thank you. I ask about the tree planted out in the yard. Traci planted a tree for Butch. He was like a father figure for her. Around the anniversary he really struggled. He drank excessively during those times. It impacted many aspects of his life and his ability to connect with people in a meaningful way. People loved him; his funeral was at the fairgrounds because there were too many people to have it somewhere else. Traci did not realize the extent of the impact of his live. Traci loved him very much. He was in his early sixties when he passed. He liked to be with other people. Traci feels it helped to hide all he went through. He hid the pain. Sunset maple is the tree they planted for him. Traci “lost it” when Mike come and told him about Butchs’ death. She did not want his loss to be the end. She wanted to continue his life somehow. She picked the prettiest tree. It’s been over 10 years. She loves the tree and looks at it and sees all the birds, the leaves, all the colors. She just loves the tree. Her face shows joy as she is talking about this tree. Traci had conversations after he passed with Butch’s wife about all the loss and sorrow, they went through losing their son. Traci sent me a picture of the Butch memorial tree.

Butch’s Memorial Tree 2019, Oregon

I ask Traci and Mike about individual and societal responsibility when it comes to addiction. Mike feels that until someone is ready to get over it, we are not going to convince them. One of the biggest issues we are dealing with is acceptance. Mike talks about some of the addictions are accepted in society when it should not be; like working all the time, listening to music all the time, he feels that as a community we have to have the resources available for those people who are ready to commit. We have some resources available and they are overworked. He feels we need other options to help people get over addictions. Mike states we should stop accepting the social norm of drinking. He feels like if we work together, we can do something about addictions. It takes being able to figure out what is it that we can do, how we are going to implement it, it takes a group of people to work together, to figure this out. Mike is a pastor as well. He talks about doing stuff as an individual and wondering if we are making a difference. He has been working on a visualization to show what the collective is doing. He describes a tree with leaves on it. Each individual would be part of the tree. Working together we can accomplish a lot of stuff. The collective impact can make a big change. It is about communication, listening, letting people know they won’t be judges and they have choices.

Traci recalls a conversation she had with her daughter about drinking and driving. She told her daughter that no matter what time and where if she ever drinks or one someone who she is with drinks call Traci and she will come get them. That would not make her happy, but it would be ok. Drinking and driving is never ok. Traci could not live with herself if she found out that of her daughter or someone else while she was in the car was drinking and driving and something happened to them. Traci feels like when people have to hide things it becomes more dangerous; they feel that they do not have options. A lot of people get into their addictions because they are lonely, and they are hurting. If they could just talk openly and honestly about their problems with somebody and just being accepted, not judged that would help. People are cut off each other nowadays. She tells me we used to believe it takes a village to raise a child. Now she thinks we more and more moved away from that. She tells me about multiple generations living close to each other in the same area to support each other. We can link together as a community to support one another, be less judgmental toward others as a human race. Go beyond the stereotyping Mike adds. Accepting that we are all humans and we all have faults. Just be open and supportive, prevention is be key. Now in our society we tend to deal with the aftermath of things instead of trying to prevent them. Traci recommends working with kids with ACE’s (Adverse Childhood Experiences) scores early on, help the kids that are struggling in school, support the young parents who are just barely making it. If we can take a good chunk of money and put it in prevention it would save a lot in the bank end and we would be better and healthier. It will take time; we can’t save everybody. We can’t just keep chasing the end tail of things we have to get ahead and the only way is to do prevention. Mike tells me, look at it, it took us 50 years to get to this point. It is going to take a while to get back to something reasonable. We talk about prevention and cost benefit. We all agree prevention is the way to go. Traci and Mike tell me about reenactments recreating an accident and show students what happened, then they have a conversation about it. Mike shows me pictures of previous reenactments he participated in. Kids can get an idea what an accident really looks like. We talk about different experiences people do in the community to fit in like drinking in sports events. Traci tells me about people who are fine drinking something and then driving. She does not feel comfortable with that. Mike is showing me different education slides. He tells me that every 15 minutes in our highways a teenager is killed. Traci tells me she has one more story for me. When she was working at the sheriff department for a little while she was marine deputy. She was in Seaside and observed this gentleman who was drunk driving his boat. She asked him to pull over. She gave him a ticket. Not too long after that she went to work for the state. This guy came in and looked at her: do you know who I am? I am your garbage man. (the way Traci was imitating we all busted out laughing) He was trying to get out of his ticket by saying that I am your garbage man at the office (the office where Traci works), she ruined his life he lost his job, it financially impacted him and his family. He went from being a happy garbage man to getting a ticket to losing his job and having to go on food stamps. She was telling me the different way families can be impacted. It was his choice to drink. We hear about the drinking and driving on the road, but we don’t hear much about drinking and water accidents. She is telling me about oil tankers that have drunk captains. Traci feels like every single ticket she wrote hopefully saved somebody’s life at some point. We finish our conversation and say goodbye to each other. Lots of hugs and well wishes. Traci and Alexi walk me to the door we talk for a few minutes and I drive off. Lots of stories swivel around my head.

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Front cover acrylic painting created by Andrea Mihaly October 2019

Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered. Hear the voices of everyday people — collection of stories and experiences. Copyright @ 2020. 1st addition on Amazon KDP. 2nd addition Jan 2021 Barnes & Noble By Dr. Gabriella Kőrösi. All rights reserved. Dancing Elephants Press.

This book is dedicated to the memory of Bagóczky József my uncle who died at age 19 — alcohol related car accident and to everyone else who has been hurt or lost related to addiction.

Many people had been supportive and inspiring to me so I could create this book. Both of my wonderful children told me, just write that book mom. My mom. I could have not done this without all the stories provided and the encouragement love and caring from my family and friends, nurses, doctors, counselors, teachers, professors, friends who are dealing with addiction and staying sober; and children, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers of people who are dealing with addiction currently. Thank you for speaking up, sharing your stories and life experiences. Thank you for all the people who read this book while in progress to provide feedback, ideas and encouragement for me to continue writing. I would like to say special thanks to my friends and family for believing me and encouraging me to go on.