Summary

The author describes a personal struggle with family members over COVID testing and boundaries, which has led to feelings of being unappreciated and gaslighted, prompting a reevaluation of family relationships and self-love.

Abstract

The article details the author's experience with family tension during the holiday season, stemming from a request for COVID testing as a precaution before a family gathering. Despite the author's efforts to protect everyone's health, the family's response was defensive and dismissive, leading to a conversation filled with microaggressions, passive-aggressiveness, and gaslighting. The author reflects on the importance of self-respect and maintaining personal standards, even in the face of family disapproval. The incident has reinforced the author's resolve to seek unconditional love and acceptance, whether from their current family or a new one created through different means. The author concludes by encouraging others to prioritize self-love and not to compromise their values due to family pressure.

Opinions

The author believes that their request for COVID testing was reasonable and was met with unjustified defensiveness and gaslighting.
The family's reluctance to take a rapid test is seen as a lack of reciprocal care for the author's health.
The author feels that their family does not appreciate or accept them for who they are, as evidenced by the family member's text expressing a wish that the author were different.
The author has a strong sense of self-worth and will not compromise their standards or tolerate disrespectful behavior, even from family.
The author sees the family's behavior as a sign that they may not be the right environment for them, emphasizing the importance of surrounding oneself with people who respect and support you.
The author is introspective and spiritual, seeking guidance through prayer and self-reflection.
The author advocates for setting intentions for personal growth and not allowing others to diminish one's self-esteem or values.
The author suggests that readers should not feel obligated to change who they are to please others, especially if it means going against their own standards and beliefs.

Microaggressions, Passive-Aggressiveness, and Gaslighting Can Occur in Your Family

Don’t Let the Obligation of the Holidays Negate the Progress You Made This Year

I gave you the message in the title and subtitle. It is very simple and direct.

If you follow me, you know that 2021 has been a transformative year for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. So much so that I have found forgiveness and have spent time with family members that caused a lot of hurt in recent years.

I was about to spend more time with two of them starting next week until I asked for a COVID test. I told of my intentions to take a PCR and a rapid test to ensure I do not unknowingly infect them. I asked for them to do a take-home, rapid test they can purchase from their local pharmacy.

I felt comfortable asking the question and am not too concerned that these two, recently boosted individuals have COVID, but I asked to follow up on a prior conversation about testing and my recommendations on the type of mask they should use.

The conversation quickly escalated on the other end with interjections marked by defensiveness, elevated volume, and gaslighting to make me feel I was making a big deal out of things and that it was my “decision …if you don’t feel comfortable; don’t come. We’re not testing.” I was being gaslighted to think that my request and standards were impeding on family plans. I responded by reminding the person I am taking two COVID tests and their unwillingness to take a test spoke volumes about their desire to help me protect my health the way I’m trying to protect theirs.

After the conversation, I continued my plans to get tested today and prepare for car travel later this week. Aside from them not wearing good masks and probably (still) not having good sanitary habits (can’t teach an old dog new tricks) I felt comfortable going because they have been boosted and do minimal public activities.

This morning, I got a text from the family member accusing me of raising their blood pressure and telling me to do some soul searching. The family member also stated, “I wish you weren’t the way you are.”

“I wish you weren’t the way you are. “ — a family member

One would think I aggressively asked for the tests. All I did in yesterday’s conversation was ask to not be interrupted as I tried to help the individual see that they were not willing to do a 15-minute, take-home test to protect my health the way I was willing to do two tests to protect theirs. I gave the example of someone driving 1,000 miles and then needing a ride for the last mile but getting a “no” because you simply didn’t “want” to or “see the need.”

In this surprise Saturday morning text, the individual stated they did not want to continue yesterday’s discussion, despite initiating it this morning via text. I responded and they said, “sorry you feel that way” (eye roll) and continued to negate my feelings by saying they would no longer read any more texts from me that day.

So, they started a conversation they did not want to have and then told me it was over against my wishes. They basically rattled my emotions on a peaceful Saturday morning and then left me to deal with it alone.

I prayed and asked God to lead me. I sat there with my eyes closed for several minutes as the time approached for me to get ready for my COVID test appointment.

The guidance I received was to wait. So, I canceled the appointment with the understanding I can always reschedule for another day and just delay travel to give me time to receive God’s direction.

I blessed my energy centers and loved myself the way I need to be loved. I told myself that next year this time:

I will have a family that loves me unconditionally and does not see my requests or standards as too much.

I will have a family that doesn’t wish I wasn’t the way I am.

I will have a family that doesn’t tell me on the way out the door that I need to work on myself simply because I asked them not to move the paper towels off the sink and place them on the back of the toilet, especially before washing their hands (ew!)

I accept myself as is. I live by the standards that work very well for me. If my standards bring out microaggressions, passive-aggressiveness, or gaslighting in individuals, whether it be the workplace or home, then I know that environment and those people are not for me. My rule is I do not make exceptions for people’s behavior that I would not tolerate in the workplace simply because we have the same last name and/or “love” one another.

Honestly, I was looking forward to the family time of games, laughter, and hugs. I need it after almost two years of quarantine. I mentioned the “need” for “family time” in my text to help the family member understand my emotions in this.

Yes, I can change my standards but then I’m changing me. As evidenced by the COVID test situation, people will not bend for me so why would I bend or compromise myself for others? I’ve been described as inflexible but when you know better, you do better. When your vision is high, you aim high. Everyone can’t meet me where I am, and I accept that. Wherever I go, there I am, and I love the company of me.

I’ve had family (these same two individuals) walk out on me on Christmas Eve over paper towel placement and not opening the garage door for them but instead asking them to come through my front door. I’ve had an ex leave me for another. I don’t see this as I need to change. I see this as God making room for me to be with who I love most — me. The person who will never fail me — me. The person who will never ask me to compromise my standards for their comfort — me.

However, as a Black woman, everyone will tell me the problem is me. You know what? Maybe I am the problem to “everyone”, but I am the answer to me. I’m not stubborn. Where in this scenario was I stubborn? I see a person who is caring, thoughtful, and considerate of others.

So, I will spend this upcoming week and holiday working toward my goals and intentions for 2022. Christmas Day, I intend to wake up, pray, and meditate like any other day and give extra thanks for Jesus’s birth. I will eat what I want and enjoy the peace and tranquility of my company in my warm home to my standards with no expectations to compromise. I may be an OCD introvert, but I will be a calm, peaceful one.

Perhaps your standard is homosexuality, anti-vaccination, a political party, the way you wear your hair, or where you choose to live. Don’t let someone’s perception and reception of your standard manipulate you into thinking you’re the one who is causing the rift, divide, or impeding on family plans. Do like me and make plans to create your own family. In the meantime — and always — love yourself first and fully.

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