Mental Illness Is an Ongoing Battle With Yourself

Summary

The author reflects on the personal struggle with mental illness, specifically borderline personality disorder, and the challenges it presents in daily life, while also acknowledging personal growth and the subjective nature of happiness.

Abstract

The article is a personal narrative detailing the author's experience with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Diagnosed at the end of the previous year, the author grapples with the reality of living with a mental illness that manifests in various aspects of life, from social interactions to panic attacks. Despite envying those without such struggles, the author recognizes that everyone has their own battles. The piece highlights the author's journey towards acceptance, the progress made since the peak of their mental health challenges, and the understanding that happiness is not contingent upon a diagnosis or the absence of struggle. The author emphasizes self-forgiveness for past behaviors and the realization that love and fulfillment are attainable regardless of mental health status.

Opinions

The author wishes for a life without mental illness, acknowledging that wealth does not shield one from mental health issues.
There is an expressed envy towards individuals who do not suffer from mental illness and can engage in 'normal' human interactions without triggers or restrictions.
The author has accepted that their life will have good and bad days, and that their mental health condition is a part of their existence that requires ongoing management.
The article conveys a sense of wonder about how different life could have been without a traumatic childhood, suggesting a belief that such experiences contribute to mental health disorders.
The author advocates for self-compassion, asserting that past actions taken before their BPD diagnosis should not be held against them.
Despite the challenges, the author is optimistic, noting improvements in their mental health and cherishing positive experiences, such as having the best month of their life in July.
The author emphasizes that everyone struggles in their own way, and that the concept of 'normal' is a myth, with happiness being subjective and not exclusive to those without mental health conditions.

I sometimes envy people without mental illnesses only to remember there is more than one way to struggle

If I could have one wish, it would probably be to rid myself of my mental illnesses. Yes, money would be good but I have learnt the hard way that wealth is no protection from the mind.

I find it so strange that there are people in this world who are just fine. Who wake up fine, can have ‘normal’ human interactions. Who don’t take dating sabbaticals because intimate relations are triggers — deciding to date only when therapy has started. People who don’t have to restrict things like their wardrobe, to centre themselves. Where leaving the house, is exactly that.

Just the other day, I was laying in bed watching Young Justice when I got hit by this wave of fear and dread. You know that feeling you get on a rollercoaster that suddenly does a nosedive? My hands couldn’t stop shaking. My pulse was erratic as if the blood in my arteries was begging to come out. After an hour my first panic attack in months finally passed.

With me being the logician that I am, I began to analyse every detail of my life currently, searching in vain for the root cause. Before I accepted, once again, that this is just my life. I will have good days and bad days. Long periods where I feel ‘normal’ only to be reminded by my body that I am still unwell. Reminded that she is doing the best she can but is still prone to slip-ups from time to time. It is exhausting but we push through.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at the end of last year. Though getting a diagnosis has been a positive in a sea of confusion and pain, I still wish it didn’t have to be that way. Though I will never know the cause of it, I sometimes wonder where I would be now if my childhood hadn’t had been so abusive, unhappy and traumatic.

I remind myself daily that just because it is harder and with extra steps doesn’t mean I am unable, or unworthy of love.

I create this parallel universe where I have multiple degrees instead of being a two time drop-out. I am securely attached instead of avoidant. Where I crave intimacy instead of being uncomfortable when touched. If my life had had just one subtle deviation, would I still be in Slytherin? Or in a relationship? Or married? Or happily divorced?

Would I be happy by now?

Nevertheless, I have learnt to stop asking questions I couldn’t possibly know the answers to. Even though I still have panic attacks, this time last year it was a daily occurrence. I am getting better, slowly.

I have to remind myself that the others I envy so much may not have a diagnosed mental health condition, but there is no such thing as normal. There is more than one way to struggle. Happiness is subjective.

I remind myself daily that just because it is harder and with extra steps doesn’t mean I am unable, or unworthy of love. July was the best month of my life, mental health disorder or not. After my last suicide attempt, I like to think of this year as my bonus. And I am happy to still be around.

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Mental Illness Is an Ongoing Battle With Yourself

I sometimes envy people without mental illnesses only to remember there is more than one way to struggle

I Have Forgiven Myself for My Pre-Diagnosis Recklessness

Anything I did before my BPD diagnosis is none of my business, I have wiped the slate clean

I Used to Be Obsessed With the Idea of Being Loved

A story on how my borderline personality diagnosis sedated by the constant need for affection