I Have Forgiven Myself for My Pre-Diagnosis Recklessness

Anything I did before my BPD diagnosis is none of my business, I have wiped the slate clean

I would like to start this off by saying, as far as I or anyone else is aware, I haven’t done anything too serious. There are no dead in my wardrobe. I don’t undress at night into my true snake-like form. Throughout my life, I have been a decent human being. All that lies in my pre-diagnosis wake is mostly confusion from past partners.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a type of personality disorder. It is a very broad diagnosis but is characterised by; unstable relationships with other people, unstable emotions and unstable sense of self. It mostly affects women, and around 10% of patients commit suicide.

My emotions would undergo rapid changes that I found difficult to control which is why sometimes I would have an outburst. I would push people away to test their love for me and when they left I would be heartbroken and want them back. I found out that my tendency for self-destruction was due to in part to the disorder and that I was using people to patch up the scars from my childhood. I finally understood why I could always be so completely enthralled in another person and a few months later not even remember their name. Now I know the reasons for my eruptions and constant craving for companion.

Recently I wondered about finally contacting ex flings to apologise for the way I had acted. But I have meditated on it, racked my brain, went back and forth. But in the end, I decided to do nothing.

I have spent months trying to work out if I have any free will or if my actions will always be driven by this disorder. In the end, I have accepted it is a part of me.

My awareness of it means I can take the time to reflect before taking action. Deciding if this is something I want or something I ‘want’. This has taken months. I, therefore, can not imagine telling an ex about my disorder will do any good. Other than make them question our time together. Wounds that were never there will be created and I would have bulldozed my way into their lives.

How do you tell someone you were transfixed with, that you now remember nothing about the relationship? That you feel nothing. Almost as if it never happened.

How do you tell someone that the only reason you slept with them was curiosity? You wanted to fill a void and now you’re not attracted to them. At all.

The things I remember are transplanted memories I see but feel I never experienced. They’re unfamiliar.

In any case, my diagnosis is none of their business. This may seem very ironic considering I am writing this on a public blog. But there is a stark difference between screaming into the void and starting a chain of Chinese whispers with those closest to me. There is an air of anonymity that comes when writing to people you will never meet.

Telling ex-partners my diagnosis will ensure that people I don’t want knowing about my mental wellbeing, finding out. Not to mention exes are exes for a reason. Our lives diverted paths years ago. I wouldn’t want to create a situation where someone feels compelled to be in my life due to my diagnosis.

Any apology I give will most likely comes from a place of pride. While I am sure I haven’t hurt anyone, some of the things I have done make me cringe. So an apology would come from a sense of character redemption rather than true regret.

People make mistakes. Relationships are messy. In the end, I don’t believe I did anything significant enough to warrant intervening in someone’s life. The things that are the cause of great anxiety to me, are probably already long forgotten by them.

I think I deserve a fresh start. Pre-diagnosis I just ‘went with the flow’ and allowed myself to be swept away by every stimulus. Now, I take everything slow, assessing my reasonings behind things before I do them. I finally have forgiven myself for my stupidity and recklessness. Which is what truly counts. At least I can now laugh about it!

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