Men Fall in Love With Narcissists Too
The agony of this disorder from the other side.
I write about my own experiences but I hear from a lot of men.
Good men who are being tormented by manipulation and cruelty. They speak of losing themselves much the way I have. I understand them. The sense of hopelessness and powerlessness at the hands of a seriously abusive individual.
Unfortunately, I have known both a man and a woman narcissist.
I often say I don’t know which is worse.
Or is it fair to quantify it?
Not necessarily.
Mental health disorders do not choose a gender.
They are equal opportunity.
There are intricacies in the individual behavior of each. However, both lack empathy and will weaponize their children, money, and control to get what they want.
It’s believed there are more men than women narcissists.
But I don’t quote the statistical numbers on narcissism for a reason.
It’s a highly complex disorder that is difficult to diagnose.
Additionally, narcissists do not believe there is anything wrong with them so they do not seek treatment. They are generally diagnosed by secondary circumstances such as couples counseling, addiction treatment, or other reasons. They resist therapy and may never enter a marriage counselors office.
These facts make the documented percentage misleading.
It’s suspected the number of narcissists is actually higher than recorded.
I knew a woman who told me she never felt like her mother loved her.
Female narcissists, as male narcissists, are incapable of depth, connection, and emotional intimacy. The coldness, cruelty, and lack of empathy are the anti-motherhood trifecta.
While these are the same signature traits of a father who is a narcissist, they may be felt more deeply by the receiver. Because a woman who is absent the warmth, affection, and caring of a mother is atypical.
The lack of empathy is particularly unnatural.
A child will feel this potentially more than a father’s emotional absence.
So yes, there are intricacies that present differently between men and women narcissists. And there can be diverse outcomes. We may suffer differently at the receiving end of the damage and chaos they create in our families and our lives.
But the narcissist is the narcissist.
They are manipulative, punishing, and controlling.
They will play the victim, deny accountability, and operate in their own world.
They have a grandiose perception of themselves, profuse insecurity, a sense of entitlement, a need for praise, are selfish, self-absorbed, and self-consumed. Most importantly, they lack critical empathy.
They live in their own perception of reality, not actual reality.
They are and always will be self-addicted with no ability for reflection, self-awareness, or compromise. They are motivated by superficial and not core values. And will choose a partner they believe will enhance their world and position.
As long as you follow the narcissist’s rules and world order they will be easier to get along with. Initially, this is no problem for the deeply caring, empathetic, affable personalities the narcissist attracts themselves to. Individuals who tend to get joy out of making others happy, are averse to conflict and like to keep the peace.
The extreme giver to the narcissistic taker.
However, when you begin to self-protect, enact stronger boundaries, challenge them, or in their perception ‘wrong them,’ there will be hell to pay. It’s one of the reasons the narcissist escalates in divorce.
Like most women who fall prey to the narcissist, men are no exception.
They have been lured in by someone who appears attractive and charming. There’s no hint of the danger. No indication that two personalities exist within one. Nor how wildly conflicting and confusing those two different people are.
The charismatic and the cruel.
The narcissistic Yin and yang.
When it comes to comparing men and women narcissists, it’s best to focus on the core qualities of narcissism rather than gender. Because all narcissists will use whatever is in their weaponizing toolbox to manipulate and control you.
The man may use money and the woman may use sex. But this may become archaic thinking as more women attain their own careers and positions of money and power.
It’s more important to concentrate on realizing the core principle in this.
The narcissist is an expert bully and manipulator who wants to ‘win.’
And punish the person they believe wronged them.
The narcissist understands what ‘factor’ in the relationship they can best use to their advantage. If they control the money or make more money they may use this. If they can influence friends and family they will use this.
Both men and women narcissists are capable of manipulating their children.
A narcissist will use, confuse, and abuse even their own kids if they see it as a means to winning. They lack empathy so they will damage and destroy anything they feel will enhance your chances of winning or having a desirable outcome.
Because when you leave or divorce a narcissist they don’t see it that way.
A narcissist views this as war.
They will use whatever is their strongest means of punishing you and bringing you down. They will often use one of your Achilles heels. This is why it’s difficult to compare every single behavior of a narcissist.
For instance, I had two weaknesses.
My father was an alcoholic and I had a terrible car accident when I was nineteen. In the years that I started to challenge my husband, set greater boundaries, and tell him I was unhappy, his behavior changed.
He was now an angry narcissist.
He began drinking uncharacteristically and speeding up on cars and scaring me. This was not a coincidence. The narcissist attempts to wear you down. To lessen who you are. To weaken who they view as their opponent.
It’s a part of their pathological strategy.
I know because I fell for a narcissist.
And men fall in love with them too.
