I Stayed in Marriage Counseling Alone

It was healthier than neither of us going

“Wow, has anyone ever told you that you have a little Dr. Phil in you?” I asked.

This was my response the first time my marriage counselor told me something I didn’t want to hear. I wasn’t ready for a direct hit to my ego. I had come because my husband was to blame.

Isn’t that why everyone goes to couples counseling?

We show up believing it’s going to be more about them, less about us.

The truth lies somewhere in between.

Yes, people behave badly. My husband had been drinking and upsetting our children and me. This was the catalyst for our visit. Narcissistic personality disorder was the backdrop.

There was no denying my husband’s behavior.

But I had attracted myself to this man, made numerous choices to stay, reacted badly to his bad behavior, and so on.

One day our counselor looked at my husband and said, “You lack empathy. It’s a critical deficit.” Then he turned in my direction and said, “Colleen you aren’t an enabler. You are a major, major enabler.”

Seems I was an overachiever of sorts and not in a good way.

A definite ‘let me show you what’s behind door number three’ moment.

A reminder there were actually two of us in this relationship. I was the supporting sidekick to the one behaving badly. There was nothing healthy about this.

As a package deal, our relationship was emotionally deadly.

It’s hard to learn truths about ourselves.

My husband never came around. He stopped going to counseling not long after his ego took a direct hit. He interpreted it as, “Why should I keep going when I get told I’m an ass*ole, and you get told you’re caring.”

Of course, that’s not the way it actually played out. It was how he perceived it.

But it left me with a choice.

Do I stop counseling? Or do I continue alone? I’ve always been a self-help addict.

But that’s not the reason I remained in counseling.

My father was an alcoholic. I had successfully avoided marrying a drinker. Despite my husband’s recent behavior, he did not have a problem with alcohol. I knew this and the counselor confirmed it.

But I had married a different type of unpredictable personality. One who emotionally abandoned me as my father had physically abandoned me.

A narcissist.

Had I understood my mother was an enabler, it might have increased the odds of attracting myself to a healthier relationship. I would have understood both sides of the ‘emotional parental equation.’

I made a decision to stay in counseling for my children.

I wanted to give them a greater chance of relationship happiness. Is this entirely within my control? Absolutely not. But anything I can do to learn about who I am, my family of origin, and my choices will help.

Counseling would have taught me invaluable tenants in my twenties.

I believe it would have led me to make vastly different choices.

I would have learned that I lacked boundaries and self-protective instincts. That my pre-disposition to make others happy would ultimately expense my own joy if I didn’t safeguard it.

I would have been taught the difference between kindness and enabling.

And understood giving an individual the opportunity to hurt you over and over again isn’t love. That making continued excuses for someone else’s bad behavior isn’t loyalty. It’s unhealthy.

I would have recognized our greatest strengths can, in turn, become our greatest weaknesses. I wasn’t caring, I was caring to a fault. And that alone would get me into deeply troubled relationship waters. I should have turned the focus of love…less on the discovery of another.

More on the discovery of myself.

I would attempt to teach myself how to have the best possible outcome. Not any different than learning how to study for a college exam, attain my first job, or any other pursuit in life I felt worth my effort.

I certainly don’t think I would have remained with a man who made me cry again and again. One who continually confused me and alternated between charm and cruelty.

I would have cast aside my queen of enablers crown.

And stopped making declarations for his unacceptable behaviors.

“I know he’s behaving badly but he’s a good person in a bad place.”

“He’s not like this all of the time, it only happens periodically.”

But I didn’t learn about myself in my twenties. I had a kingdom’s worth of excuses for my husband. And why, to the point of my own demise, I continued trying to save my marriage. I didn’t just enable. I rationalized my actions.

I was devastatingly lonely, stressed, and miserably unhappy.

But I stayed.

Here’s the thing about unhealthy relationships.

You become emotionally unhealthy yourself. That’s what happens when you remain in a bad situation too long. Worse, it becomes even harder to leave in that weakened self-vulnerability. Instead, I complained and became a version of myself I didn’t care for.

I also picked up a few new ugly behaviors. I began to react, yell, and vent. I was completely stuck because it takes two people to advance a relationship.

Should everyone go to marriage counseling alone? No.

To repair a relationship both individuals need to be present. It is called marriage counseling after all. But if you are in a relationship where the other person isn’t interested, you have to advance forward for your own emotional well-being.

I stayed for my children.

Because I was in the infancy of counseling.

And still making choices for everyone else. But for the three most valuable people in my life to have the best result, I should have remained in counseling for myself.

The outcome would be one of two things.

I would rescue my marriage.

Or I would salvage myself.