Summary

Scot Butwell discusses the challenges of memoir writing, particularly the complexities of writing about family members, as he navigates the conflict between his writing and his wife's request not to be included in his work.

Abstract

The article "Memoir Writing is Complicated" by Scot Butwell delves into the intricate nature of writing a memoir, especially when it involves family members. Butwell shares his dilemma after receiving an email notification that his article about a marital conflict over a seemingly trivial matter, which was published on Medium, would be featured on The Good Men Project's website. This development presents a predicament since his wife had previously requested not to be written about on the platform. Butwell reflects on the mixed messages he receives from his wife, who initially encouraged him to write about their experiences but later asked for privacy. He references Mary Karr's advice on writing about family in memoirs, emphasizing the importance of considering other viewpoints and the potential for discomfort among subjects. Despite the challenges, Butwell acknowledges the subjective nature of memoir writing and the intimate connection readers often seek with the author's unique perspective.

Opinions

Butwell believes that writing about family in a memoir is inevitable as they are central to his story, despite his wife's concerns about privacy.
He admits to the complexity of following writing advice, especially when it comes to writing about loved ones.
Butwell values Mary Karr's rules for writing about others, particularly the importance of notifying subjects about potentially sensitive content.
He recognizes the subjective nature of memoirs and the limitations in representing other people's viewpoints within his narrative.
Despite the potential for conflict, Butwell appreciates the intimate bond that readers can form with an author through a memoir.
He suggests that the best approach to writing about family is to do so with love and respect, even when depicting difficult truths.

Memoir Writing is Complicated

Especially whenever you’re writing about your family members

Oh, shit! That was my first reaction.

I just got an email notification that my article, “What Opening a Laundry Detergent Box Taught Me About My Marriage,” published in Hello Love on Medium, was going to be added to The Good Men Project’s website at 3:30 GMT.

I checked a box agreeing to this.

Now it was happening.

The should be good news, right?

Mixed Messages

Several years ago, my wife gave me the idea to start a personal blog after our son was diagnosed with autism at three, and I’ve been revising my previous blog posts and organizing them around a main storyline and subplot into a memoir to create a coherent story.

So I feel like I am getting mixed messages from my wife — on the one hand, write about what you’re learning as a dad, but don’t write about my son and leave her out of the memoir.

How do you leave your son and your wife out of a memoir? They are a main part of the story.

Her advice does make sense in one way. I should focus in my memoir on what I am learning as a dad and less about my son, but I can’t leave my wife or son out of the story.

Plus, it’s usually a shipwreck waiting to happen following someone else’s writing advice (unless, they’ve written a book in the genre you’re writing in).

Memoir Writing Advice

In case you’re in the same predicament in writing a memoir, here’s what Mary Karr says in The Art of Memoir about writing about family members and other people in her bestselling memoirs like The Liars Club, Lit and Cherry.

Karr says she has 11 rules she follows when writing about other people:

Notify subjects in advance, detailing parts that might make them wince. So far, no one has ever winced.
On pain of death, don’t show the pages to anybody mid-process. You want them to see your best work, polished.
As Hubert Selby told Jerry Stahl, “If you’re writing about somebody you hate, do it with great love.”
Related to the above: I never speak with authority about how people feel or what their motives were. I may guess at it, but I always let the reader know that’s speculative. I keep the focus on my own innards.
If somebody’s opinion of what happened wholly opposes mine, I mention it in passing without feeling obligated to represent it.
Don’t use jargon to describe people. It’s both disrespectful and bad writing. I never called my parents alcoholics; I showed myself pouring vodka down the sink. Give information in the form you received it.
Let your friends choose their pseudonyms.
Try to consider the whole time you’re working how your views — especially the harsh ones — may be wrong. Correct as needed.
With your closest compadres and touchy material, you might sit with them (same house or town, maybe not the same room) while they read pages that might be painful for them.
I’d cut anything that someone just flat-out denies. Then again, in my family, all the worst stuff was long confessed to before I started writing the first tome.
Let the reader know how subjective your point of view is. This is some way a form of respect to your subjects, who might disagree.

Memoir is a skewed point of view

As a form of respect to my wife, I admit my point of view is subjective, and my point of view is biased and most events are prone to be interpreted very differently by my wife.

This is a memoir in a nutshell.

It is by definition a single-sided point of view. I try to show the viewpoints of other people through the use of sensory details which enables a reader to see another person’s viewpoint by what they might say or do in a scene.

However, memoir writing is always skewed because it doesn’t give much room for other viewpoints (share a comment if you’ve found a way to get other persons’ viewpoints into your memoir).

But that’s why we like read memoirs. We’re attracted to the voice of the author as much as the content, and we tend to forget there are other viewpoints that barely get a chance to speak because of the nature of memoir.

In fact, we cherish that intimate bond with the author.

Karr’s Wincing Rule

Of Karr’s eleven rules on writing on writing about other people, the one I think is most important is, “notify subjects in advance, detailing parts that might make them wince. So far, no one has ever winced.”

Of course, determining the parts that might make people wince is subjective; for example, I don’t think anything I’ve written in my articles would cause my wife to wince. It’s just typical day to day marital conversations between us.

But, then again, what makes her wince and me wince are different since she doesn’t view most things as I do and, therefore, I should probably run this by her before I hit the submit button… except it’s 5:30 in the morning.

Check out my YouTube video on my journey as a writer.

About Me — Scot Butwell

Your Hurts in Your Life Can Help You to Become a Better Writer

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