Medium — the Musical!
“Don’t Clap For Me, Argentina” and 3 other songs from the Broadway smash hit!
MY FAVORITE MEDIUM THINGS (to the tune of “My Favorite Things” from “The Sound of Music.”)
Highlights and Comments and Claps and Curation
Essays on Clickbait and Drones and Lactation
One thousand fans and the money that brings
These are my favorite Medium things
When the trolls bite
And the haters sting
When I’m feeling bad
I simply remember my wonderful stats
And then I don’t feel so bad.
CURATED (to the tune of “Maria” from “West Side Story”)
Curated!
My story was finally curated
And suddenly I’ve found
How wonderful my stats can be
Curated!
My story was finally curated
My level of Medium fame
will never be the same you see
Curated!
Say it loud and my fans applaud me
Say it soft and my followers laud me
Curated
I’ll never stop bragging about the fact that my story was
Curated!
I’VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO MY STATS (to the tune of “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face” from “My Fair Lady.”)
I check them many times a day
I’ve grown accustomed to the way
They stay and stay and stay
They don’t go up.
They don’t go down.
It’s second nature to me now
To waste my hours checking in
I’m glad I’m not James Patterson
Making millions every day
That dude never has to check his stats
And yet I say
I’ve grown accustomed to my fans
Accustomed to my trolls
Accustomed to my stats
DON’T CLAP FOR ME, ARGENTINA (to the tune of “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina,” from “Evita.”)
Don’t clap for me, Argentina.
The truth is my prose is ghastly.
My words are tortured
My insights? Applesauce.
I am unworthy.
Please hold your applause.
And as for followers, and as for highlights
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the Curators they were all I desired
Comments are illusions
They are not the solutions they promised to be
The answer was here all the time:
I’m going to stop posting on Medium until I actually learn how to write.
(If you enjoyed this humor piece by Roz Warren, you’ll probably like this one too.)