#181 — dead or alive | MEDIUM SATIRE (INTERPRET THAT HOWEVER YOU LIKE)
Medium Relocates Their HQ in Light of Compounding Writers’ Wrath
Enough is enough, we need a break!
John, Michael, Stephanie, and Emma¹ attend a Zoom meeting. Today’s agenda is discussing upcoming changes. And emptying the complaint box.
From hereon, they will be referred to as J, M, S, and E. Because I’m lazy.
E: “Should we start with reading minutes from the last one?”
J: “I’m sorry Em. I need to resume reading comments in fifteen.”
S: I’m just going to say it. Some people have been caviling too much.”
Just last night, they received a scathing email from an unhappy writer. She accused Medium directly of deteriorating the quality of her relationship.
Every time her partner walks up to say hi, she raises her hand and utters the words “30 seconds.” This has reduced their fiery spontaneity by 27%.
M: “Now that’s a personal problem.”
E: “I agree. But we said we’re listening.”
S drops an F-bomb. She’s immediately reported by the system.
J: “At least you don’t have to read 24/7. Remind me why we swore off AI support again. I don’t have time for Trader Joe's green juice anymore.”
When Medium announced their changes in July, they were overwhelmed. Happy tears fell in champagne flutes, making it taste like caramel popcorn.
Medium Day was a raging success, apart from a deranged lady asking for MDMA. Maybe they shouldn't have marketed it as a music festival. Oh well.
But then those very fans turned against them.
S: “I’m back guys. I signed up for the next paid how-to-behave seminar.”
J: “You heard it here first. We might have a strike on our hands.”
E: “This is why we should have made MPP more accessible.”
A lot of creators reside in North America. They can rally outside Medium HQ just like those in Hollywood. And call upon others for virtual support.
N: “Hi folk, I’m Nate². I’m here with the bug report.”
M: “Who? And how did you enter this closed meeting?”
N: “I’m an intern. I have a list from iOS users. They’re quite angry.”
Stephanie mutes the call. This is why Medium shouldn’t be so PC and anti-humor because the perfect response for an Apple Cultist³ is made of snark.
Hey there. Why don’t you get a personality instead?
Fifteen minutes were up. They decided to take the weekend off and circle back on Monday. Fresh mind, fit body, and uniquely better solutions.
E: “I got it! It came to me mid-workout while reading boosted stories.”
S: “Can’t wait.”
E: “We should move to New England. Fall, and hidden old-world charm.”
The group couldn’t determine whether Emma was a genius or crazy, or both. A six-hour interview determined that she was indeed of sound mind.
M: “People get angry for the most trivial reasons.”
J: “Like the number of exclamation marks in the payment email.”
S: “Or the notification saying your comment has ten fans.”
Over lunch, they ranted about hustle culture. There must be more to life, or something similar was written on a whiteboard. Erasing a quote from X.
They placed pieces of paper in a bowl after a cursory TripAdvisor research dive. And suddenly all the complaints seemed to belong in the distant past.
The winner was Camden, Maine⁴. It had a little bit of everything.
M: “We fixed the Stats page by removing the numbers from the bottom.”
S: “But did we receive a thank you? Just more criticism.”
J: “I’m done guys. I’ve labeled most of them as incomprehensible.”
Secret Transcript:
The team concluded that there was nothing more for them to do. If every action was to be trashed, why do anything at all? They dispersed shortly.
Stephanie and Emma started online shopping for Coastal Grandma looks as pinned on their Pinterest boards, while others bookmarked bistro reviews.
For the wild Valley rent they’ll now save, a medium yacht could be bought.
Footnotes:
- All the names are taken from Speechify AI voice options.
- Same. I don’t know any real Medium employees. (As per my NDA)
- I’m an Apple convert and am laughing at myself.
- Things are still TBD. No decision has been finalized.
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