Humor Satire
Medium Announces the First Ever Medium Good Times Writer’s Cruise
Medium’s new cruise ship, the “We’re All Write”, is due to set sail, and you’re invited to join us!
It was a great earnings year for Medium and to celebrate, they have purchased their own cruise ship and are taking their writers on a fabulous all expense paid trip. The ship will stop at ports of call known for various writers who lived there. Departing from Miami, the ship will first stop at Key West, home to Ernest Hemingway.
Other day trips will include, New Orleans, Louisiana, where Anne Rice called home for many years; Aracataca, Columbia, home to Gabriel Garcia Marquez; Laugharne, Wales where Dylan Thomas lived, East Sussex England, where Virginia Woolf’s home, Monk’s House, is located; and South Gloucestershire, England where J.K. Rowling’s home can be found.
Don’t wait to register for this fabulous trip, since space is limited. You don’t want to miss out on this incredible opportunity to rub elbows with all of your favorite Medium friends. There will also be lots of great activities in addition to time to just kick back and write on your own or in groups. Here are just a few of the fun things to do while on board
Ice Breaker — Guess Your Medium Persona
How well do you know your fellow writers? Find out playing this game. The game will kickoff the cruise, commencing once the ship has set sail. Each passenger will have the name of a well known Medium writer pinned to their back. You will spend the afternoon mingling with other passengers while trying to determine who you are supposed to be by asking yes or no questions.
For example, if you want to determine if you are Ev Wiliams or Biz Stone you might ask, “Am I the co-founder of Twitter?” If the person answers yes, you might ask, “Am I the CEO of Medium?” Or you might ask, “Did my husband claim that he didn’t have sexual relations with that woman?” I’ll leave it up to you to figure that one out!
The Muse Match Game
Held the first night of the cruise, this game is for those writers who want the experience of working with a muse. Three writers will compete for the attentions of a muse. The muse will ask each contestant questions one at a time, and based on their answers will select one who they will inspire for the duration of the cruise
Muses that will be attending include Thalia, Erato, Polyhymnia, Calliope and George (this last one being a substitute for Melpomene who had to cancel last minute due to depression.)
Cruise of Faceless Men
Have you wanted to be different kinds of writers at one point or another? Well, here’s your chance. The goal of this game is to introduce yourself to other cruisers as different types of writers throughout the week. Introduce yourself to one person as a novelist, another as a poet, and still another as a health or tech writer.
The catch is you have to remember how you introduced yourself to each person and remain consistent throughout the week because the other passengers will be waiting for you to mess up. The last person to mix up their pretend writing personality when talking to a fellow passenger wins.
Medium Bingo
Are you a multigenre generalist writer who has published with lots of publications? If so, try this twist on traditional bingo.
Do you write fiction, non-fiction and poetry? Have you published stories about global warming, the 2020 census, net neutrality and baby animals born at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo? Have you had stories accepted for publication in Human Parts, The Junction, The Partnered Pen and The Writing Cooperative among others?
Then Medium Bingo is for you! This game is especially for those writers who write all kinds of content, on numerous topics and have published in many of Medium’s publications.
To play each person will receive a different card with numbered squares. The caller will randomly draw numbers with writing options on them. When the writer has achieved the option, they put an X through that numbered square on their card.
So for example, if the caller says, “5 — Publishous,” all writers who have had a story published in that publication will cross out square 5. If they call, “9 — Sea Monkeys,” then everyone who has published a Medium story about sea monkeys will cross out square 9.
The caller might announce the names of different publications, topics and genres. The winner will be the first person to cross off all the numbers on their card.
Earnings Shuffleboard
Since its inception, Medium executives have stated that earnings are determined by a secret algorithm. Originally, it was stated that the most heavily weighted factor was paid member claps. Later, it was claimed that the algorithm had been changed and the heaviest weighted factor had been changed to paid member reading times.
Recently, a whistle-blower revealed that there has never been an algorithm that determined writer’s earnings. Instead, the whistle-blower disclosed that earnings was based on executive game night when games such as roulette determined what different writers would earn.
“One of the executives would pull a writer’s name out of a hat, then spin the roulette wheel. Whatever number it landed on was what the writer would make that month. They also sometimes did this with craps.”
Instead of denying this allegation, Medium admitted to it. Now writers on the Medium cruise will have the opportunity to determine their own earnings by playing shuffleboard. Two writers will be paired off at a time andl each will shoot ten discs three times. The person with the highest score will be the winner.
The winner’s income for the month will be the sum of their score and their opponents score times ten. Writers can earn up to $6000 for that month. Each person can win only once, but losers can play until they win a match.
The Guerrilla Writer’s Block Cure
Those who have an extreme, long lasting case of writer’s block and who have tried other cures which have been unsuccessful can elect to participate in the Guerrilla Writer’s Block Cure. Sometimes, the only way to cure serious problems that don’t respond to standard treatment is to use a more extreme approach.
Those who sign up for the Guerrilla Writer’s Block Cure, will be put adrift alone in a lifeboat with only a notebook, pen, a bottle of water, a sandwich, and a flare gun. No electronics will be allowed. With nothing else to do in the boat and no way to get back to someplace with distractions, you’ll have no choice but to write.
As soon as you finish a complete draft of a new work and shoot off the flare gun, the coast guard will rescue you and return you to the ship. To further motivate you, only those who have completed a draft, which will be confirmed by the Coast Guard, will be rescued. Other writers will remain adrift in the middle of the ocean until they do so and signal with their flare gun.
Don’t take too long though! If you drift too far, no one will see your flare when you finally send it up!
Writer’s Workshops and Groups
No Medium cruise would be complete without specially developed workshops for the Medium writer. In addition to more traditional workshops on, “How to Write Non-Fiction That Sells,” and “Writing the Personal Essay,” offerings will include such topics as, “Little Known Ways to Waste Time on the Internet When You Should Be Writing” and “How to Decrease Writing Anxiety With Bubbles and Crunchy Slime.”
There will also be writing groups that you can join which will provide more informal opportunities to increase your motivation and accountability. You can participate in a group that is just for writing followed by a discussion about different writing related topics. Or if you have a finished draft you want feedback on, join one of the critique groups. For those who are having problems coming up with ideas, one of the prompt groups might be just what the doctor ordered. Muses will stop by each group to increase writer inspiration.
The Medium Writer’s Cruise aboard the brand new, state of the art, We’re All Write, is ready to set sail in a few months on its maiden voyage for some fabulous locations. On board programming will provide growth opportunities and a ton of fun. Don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity!
If you enjoyed reading this story, you might also like these:
You can find links to my other work on Medium and follow me here. Thanks for reading!