Meditation Helped Me Face My Fear of Flying

How I overcame my fear of flying

Anxiety sucks, and anyone who has experienced panic attacks will tell you that. But, when your anxiety directly impacts your spouse, it’s a million times worse than when it just affects you.

If it were possible to drown in shame, the coroner would have pronounced me dead as I walked off the plane before takeoff at the DFW airport in September 2017.

My wife and I had just boarded our plane in Dallas, headed to Atlanta for a weekend trip. In our nine-year relationship, we never took a trip by plane because I was terrified of flying. She loved flying and deserved to be with someone who could share those experiences with her. Finally, I thought I was ready to be that person.

We took our seats — me at the window and my wife in the middle. I didn’t realize when I reserved the flight, but I booked the bulkhead, so I had this massive wall in front of me that went from the floor to the ceiling.

I was already dealing with a plethora of anxiety symptoms: a racing heart, shallow breathing, sweaty palms, and my mind jumping from one “what if” thought to the next, but as soon as I took my seat, I felt trapped, so I panicked. Oh no!

I felt everything closing in on me and had to make a quick decision before they shut the cabin door. As my panic rapidly multiplied, I allowed the overwhelm to win, and I looked at my wife and said, “I can’t do this.”

She looked at me, disappointed and confused. I put her in a tough spot. On one hand, she had every right to be upset. On the other hand, she wanted to be supportive of the mental health crisis I was dealing with.

I stood up and said, “I have to get off of this plane,” grabbed my bag, and ushered her to come with me. She stood up and followed me off the plane. The entire plane was staring at us, wondering what was going on.

So there we were, walking through the terminal back to our car, me full of shame, her full of embarrassment, and both of us disappointed for different reasons. The trip we had looked forward to for months was over before it began, and our plane took off for Atlanta without us.

This panic attack cost me over $3500 for non-refundable airfare to Atlanta, first-class airfare back to Dallas, a hotel at the Four Seasons that I couldn’t cancel, and tickets to various events in Atlanta. Beyond the money, it cost me meaningful time and memories with my wife, which I would never get back.

The money didn’t matter to me; the embarrassment I caused my wife hurt me way more than the lost money. I ruined what was supposed to be an incredible weekend trip together because I let the anxiety win. In a way, my anxiety was more important than she was. That was a tough pill to swallow. I had to own that. I needed to fix that. She deserved better.

My issue with flying always came down to claustrophobia. I read so many Fear of Flying books in the past to realize the odds of having an aviation issue were slim to none, so my fear stemmed more from being unable to escape.

We’ve all heard that flying is safer than driving. Statistically speaking, it’s true, but people with anxiety don’t care about statistics; they care about how they feel, and they will avoid something that makes them feel anxious.

I‘ve been flooded with “what if” thoughts and feelings of being trapped my entire life. At all times, I know where and how to escape places. I believe it’s from my childhood.

My brothers and I were constantly on eggshells around my mom due to her erratic behavior. One moment, she’d be smiling and happy, then in an instant, she’d start screaming at us for no reason. This constant lack of safety made me feel I had to try and control everything around me.

Can you control what happens or escape on an airplane? You guessed it — no.

The problem with anxiety and “what if” thoughts are once the facet gets turned on, it’s very challenging to turn off.

Enter meditation.

I’ve been a daily meditator now for almost two years. One of meditation's best benefits is learning to live with more awareness. Meditation does not stop anxious, intrusive thoughts; however, it allows you to recognize them and pop back into the present moment before the thoughts snowball into your imminent demise. These skills would’ve helped me tremendously that September day in 2017 when I exited the plane.

This past week, I had to fly for work. The lessons learned from meditation prepared me for the flight. They gave me the courage and tools to face my fear with confidence.

I installed the following phrases learned from my meditation practice that helped me stay present and not get sucked down the “what if” thought rabbit hole — ultimately limiting my anxiety, and they helped me stay on the plane this time.

Be Where Your Feet Are

When the anxious thoughts would try to creep in during the weeks and days leading up to my flight, I would pause and say to myself — “Be Where Your Feet Are.” This helped me pop back into the present moment and realize that right at that moment, I wasn’t flying, so there was no need to worry about it. That little phrase created space in my mind to observe the thought and let it go rather than be consumed by it.

No Big Deal

This phrase helped me cope with the worry of flying differently. Previously, I read Captain Tom Bunn’s book SOAR — The Breakthrough Treatment For Fear of Flying a few times. The book had a ton of great and helpful information, but the way Captain Bunn educated me on the physics of flying and how there are backup systems for everything helped put my mind at ease.

Whenever I got anxious thoughts about crashing or turbulence, I would say, “No Big Deal.” I knew the pilots were trained to deal with everything that could happen, and the plane was full of backup systems to keep everyone safe. My job wasn’t to fly the aircraft but to sit and enjoy it. I didn’t need to control it. “No Big Deal” helped break up the nervous thought loop and brought me back to the present.

This, Too, Will Pass

This phrase is suitable for all types of difficult emotions in addition to anxiety. Leaning into the impermanence of everything saved me more stress and worry than anything else.

When I was at the gate waiting to board, I was still experiencing typical symptoms of anxiety, but now, I was armed with “This, Too, Will Pass.” This short, powerful phrase let my mind and body know that what I felt would not last forever, which helped me relax and return to the present moment. Reinforcing that I am not anxiety; instead, I was experiencing anxiety that would eventually pass away is practicing acceptance.

Takeaways

Many phrases can bring awareness into daily life and lower anxiety. Meditation gave me the courage and necessary tools to fly this past week successfully. Ironically, the flight was to Atlanta. Can’t make this stuff up!

It’s important to note that meditation will not remove anxiety; instead, it teaches the tools and principles to lessen suffering — impermanence, non-reactivity, pausing, acceptance, and non-resistance, to name a few.

Meditation is about staying with how you feel, regardless of whether you label the feeling as “good” or “bad.” It’s not about running from difficult feelings and emotions. Impermanence is my best friend because no matter how I feel, I know that no feeling is final. Trusting and believing in that is freeing.

The only way to overcome fear is to do what you fear. If you are waiting for the perfect time to face your fears, you’ll be 85 years old and regretting how life passed you by.

I started facing my fears slowly. Airplanes were the ultimate fear I wanted to conquer, but I started small with elevators. Going back to my fear of being trapped is why I avoided them, so I started by going up one floor. Once that became tolerable, I would go two floors, then three, and then four. The point is that I would have never gotten over my fear of elevators without riding them.

If you don’t want to begin a daily meditation practice, at least start using the phrases above when you have anxious thoughts. If you continue to use them repeatedly, they will become second nature. I guarantee you’ll notice how much faster you’ll be able to pop out of the anxious thought loops and feel more at ease.

Although I can’t take back getting off the plane in Dallas or the embarrassment I caused my wife, I look forward to our next plane ride together. This time, I know I’ll be able to stay, no matter how turbulent my emotions or flight may be. After all, flying is “No Big Deal.”