How Meditation Finally Saved Me From Myself

How I found peace and happiness through meditation.

It started with a phone call from my boss. I was waiting to hear if I was selected for the promotion I had interviewed and worked so hard for.

I’m sorry, man, but you didn’t get the position. I’ve been dreading having to make this call all day. If it were up to me, you know that you would have been the choice, and I fought for you, but ultimately upper management made the final decision.

Are you fucking serious, dude? Who got it?

I can’t say right now, but the announcement will go out later today. Again, you know this wasn’t my decision. I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to get you moved up.

I believed him, but I was furious. My boss and I had known each other for over six years, and we were friends outside of work. I knew it was a tough phone call for him, so I didn’t give him a hard time. I’ve been in this business long enough to know how the political game is played. I needed more answers that he couldn’t provide. Why was I passed up? What could I have done better to be selected?

I requested a call with his boss for more feedback. What she said to me pissed me off so much on one side, but also sent me on a journey of self-reflection and self-discovery that I am now grateful for.

The call started with me going through a laundry list of reasons as to why I was “screwed” by not getting the job. She patiently listened to what probably sounded like a 6-year-old throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery aisle who wasn’t allowed to get a candy bar. After my 15-minute filibuster, she had this simple, yet profound response that I could not get out of my head.

“You gotta let it go. You’re like me. You’re too intense. Don’t be as intense as you are.”

Too intense — those were the two words that sent shockwaves down my spine. Was that another way of her saying I was an asshole? Is that how the company viewed me? Was I really an asshole?

I always thought of myself as someone who cared deeply about results and actually worked tirelessly to help the company be profitable. She said I was too intense, however, I considered myself passionate. I was raised that if you aren’t dripping with passion for what you’re doing, then don’t even bother doing it at all. I handled everything up to this point in my life that way. I thought it was the hardest workers were the ones who got promotions. It was an eye-opening experience, and if I wanted to move up in the company, I needed to fix my perception. Operation Fix My Reputation started with a simple Google search.

In an effort to lose my “intensity,” I performed a quick Google search of “books about not giving a shit.” The search led me to Mark Manson’s book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK, which I purchased and read in a few days.

The book was helpful, and I appreciated Mark’s straightforward approach to his writing. He doesn’t sugarcoat anything in the book, and it inspired me to think more about how I can reshape my reputation. The biggest takeaway that I took from the book was that we only have so many fucks to give so choose the ones that matter to you. You can’t give a fuck about everything, so focus on the things that are important to you.

After reading the book, I realized that I gave a fuck about too much. I needed to change that. It was great advice, but I still felt that something was missing, so my search continued.

In addition to my intense persona, I knew I wasn’t happy. The glass was always half empty in my life. Every little nuance in life irritated me. I took everything and every situation personally. I felt like Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I came across another book called 10% Happier by Dan Harris. This book chronicles Dan’s quest to figure out why he was having panic attacks and how to properly deal with the consistent voice in his head. I had the same incessant voice that would never shut up, so I related with Dan. If he could learn to control the voice in his head, surely I could do the same to mine.

He was a newsman for ABC News, but his claim to fame was being known for having a panic attack during a live segment on Good Morning America. Dan’s book is self-deprecating and hilarious. He meets with all types of different religious leaders, mental health professionals, and gurus in search of answers to find peace. Ultimately, he is led to meditation. There’s no way that meditation would work for me. I’ve tried that before, but if it worked for Dan, why wouldn’t it work for me?

In 2017, I saw a therapist to help with anxiety. I had no interest in taking medication. I tried Paxil in 2003, but it was a disaster with weird side effects. The doctor who prescribed me the pills asked me two questions, wrote me a prescription, then I was sent on my way. Great work, doc! I’ve been against medication and have had a hard time trusting pill-pushing doctors ever since.

My therapist suggested I start meditation to help with the anxiety. I downloaded the Calm app and tried it. I felt foolish. How in the hell was sitting with my eyes closed and paying attention to my breath going to help my anxiety? I didn’t understand how it worked and expected instant results. That go-round lasted five days, then I quit.

Upon the completion of Dan’s book, I downloaded Calm again and made a promise to myself. I would meditate every day for 30 days no matter what. No excuses. I was going to commit to this and see if it was worth it. If not, after the 30 days were up, I was allowing myself to quit. At this point in my life, I was willing to try anything. There were two undeniable facts that I needed to fix and a magic genie wasn’t going to show up and fix them for me. I needed to fix my reputation at work, and I wanted to be happy.

As of this writing, I have meditated for 605 straight days. I cannot imagine my life without meditating every day. It’s weird how meditation works.

I remember it was a few weeks into my daily meditation practice, and I was cut off by a car on the highway. The old me would have started blasting the horn, throwing up a middle finger, tailgating the person, and end up being pissed off all day. This day, I remember just thinking Oh, this dude’s in a hurry, and let it go. That was the moment when I knew meditation was going to be life-changing for me. Awareness was the gateway to peace.

All of the lessons that I’ve learned and continue to practice on a daily basis have been the secret sauce to my happiness — gratitude, impermanence, equanimity, non-judgment, non-reactivity, acceptance, non-resistance, loving-kindness, and embracing uncertainty just to name a few.

I’ve also incorporated several phrases that help me whenever my emotions start to run rampant. My favorite phrase is Right Now, it’s like this. I even wrote a poem about that. Some others are this, too, will pass, and surrender to the now. I recommend anyone who has anxiety to start meditation and give it time. It will change your life.

I spoke with my boss’s boss the other day and told her that not getting the promotion and getting the subsequent feedback that pissed me off was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. One of my favorite things that the meditation teacher Jeff Warren says is that the world is neutral. It's our ego, labeling things as good or bad, and our resistance to what is that causes our suffering. Learning to accept the present moment is the practice of a lifetime.

Maybe if I hadn’t labeled not getting the promotion as bad and not resisted the decision that was made, I could have saved myself from the suffering that occurred. Thanks to Mark Manson, Dan Harris, Eckhart Tolle, Tamara Levitt, and Jeff Warren, I’ve learned meditation, and I’ve been able to save me from myself. Oh, and in August of 2022, I received a promotion!