Mastering the Skill of Empathy
Empathy can be an incredibly hard skill to master, yet it is one of the most powerful ways to connect with people.
Despite the misunderstandings about empathy, it has implications in terms of how others perceive us, in the ability for others to seek our guidance again, our dynamic problem-solving abilities, and our ability to seek help when we need it the most.
As a kind but compassionate Crisis Responder for well over a year, and is on track to potentially become a therapist in the future, I’ve had to undergo a lot of training and self-reflection to optimize my sense of empathy around others.
Increasing our empathetic potential increases our emotional intelligence (EQ), the ability to understand our emotions in order to resolve situations, especially when others’ emotions are involved. Without emotional intelligence, you might end up lacking on:
- Self-management of impulsive behaviours and ideas
- Social awareness of the problems of others
- Self-awareness of personal behaviours, thoughts, and emotions
- Maintenance of healthy relationships
Empathy concerns our ability to genuinely feel the emotions of the other party. Even if we are from another walk of life, or harbour a polarized ideology, we are able to draw upon our personal experiences and use them to validate the other person.
Empathy is not synonymous with sympathy. Sympathy is when you actively share your feelings with others. By contrast, empathy is when you actively listen. Instead of interjecting your personal accolades, you just hear the person out. There are no other distractions. It is just you focussing your energy on the other person.
When you hear others out, they feel surprisingly validated. In a world where people are often mean, validating others is the best way to garner trust, especially across a long period of time. Instead of telling others what to do, you are observing, listening, and watching. You are not assuming.
You feel the power behind your words, and that power is consciously felt by the other party. Sometimes, the person walks out liberated, and is cautiously optimistic about the future, even if their current situation is terrible.
If you lost a loved one, you would feel a wide range of emotions, ranging from pure raw anger to sullen emptiness. If a friend came up to you, patted you on the shoulder, and said that they knew how “exactly” you feel, you might feel conflicted.
On one hand, they are trying to establish solidarity with you, through their past experience, but at the same time, they are assuming your pain is the exact same as theirs. It’s not — but you’re not going to correct them, because then that’s socially rude.
To be genuinely empathetic requires your friend to be open-minded. Instead of talking about their personal feelings, they listen in while you vent and talk. They ask open-ended questions and pause to give you genuine compliments, like being proud of you for being able to share your story to them, despite the pain making it hard to do so.
They might even direct you gently to hang around them again sometime, or they might even ask you if you have some kind of resources or coping mechanism to help distract yourself for now.
A person’s experience is valid, even if the situation makes little sense to you. Even if you don’t experience what this person has experienced, you’re taking something close enough, and doing the next best thing by being supportive.
The delicate art of veering towards another person’s emotion, while remaining neutral in your language, is no easy feat. While it takes a lot of time and practice, it can be done, especially with great intentions.
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