Marriage is a Fantastic Destination and a Life-Long Journey

What I’ve learned in 22 years of marriage

Yes, I did get married on April Fool’s Day. Maybe I’m a fool or a fool in love. Neither of us cried “April Fool’s” after the ceremony. And 22 years later, we’re still together.

I won’t claim for a second that marriage has been easy. When we get married, we often treat marriage like a destination — an event we have arrived at. A box-checked kind of event.

The hair and makeup look just so; the tux, gown, and attire of those who stand up with you are carefully selected. Not to forget the rings, the music choices, or the food to eat. And the cake, how it tastes, and whether or not you stuff it in each other’s faces.

You arrive at this destination. Perhaps this was the day the little girl inside you dreamed of, and it fulfilled every expectation you had for today. Planning events or coordinators were hired or helped ensure every detail was picture perfect.

All the boxes of dreams and tasks are checked.

And your journey has just begun. After the ceremony and the honeymoon, real life sets in. The life-long journey of marriage begins. It’s a fantastic adventure.

I’ve learned a lot in twenty-two years. And I have plenty still to learn. Ask me my thoughts on marriage in another twenty years or so, and I’m positive my advice will change. So far, here are the big pieces of wisdom I’ve learned.

1. Marriage is much more than the honeymoon phase. Early, you may enjoy the physical attraction, and later you’ll realize that thoughts and souls can connect on an equally beautiful level.
2. There’s something to be said for enjoying time together as a couple before kids come along. You’re grounded in who you are and who you are together. Don’t let other family members get in the way of this.
3. Your mother-in-law has her own life. She may have valuable wisdom, but do not let her overly insert herself into your life or your marriage. She can hold her own values and respect yours.
4. Your mindset will change. As an individual, you have a self-centered way of thinking. When you come together, your thoughts and goals change. This will happen again when you have kids, and occasionally throughout life.
5. Don’t play the blame game with your spouse. Whatever is, is, and you still have to get through it. There’s no need to point fingers. Problem solving is easier with two level-headed individuals.
6. At some point, you’ll likely go to bed angry. Whoever said, “never let the sun go down on your anger,” has good intentions, but this isn’t always possible. Repair conflicts as quickly as possible.
7. Stay focused on the issues at hand. Avoid name-calling and other in-the-heat-of-the-moment emotional tirades. Instead, ask questions about your goals and what you’re trying to accomplish. Problem-solve together.
8. Nurture admiration. Focus on each other’s positive attributes. Consider why you fell in love early. Those qualities change and improve with time. Continue to focus on good traits.
9. Spend time together. Life gets busy. Phases will require you to be busier than you’d like. Make time for special moments — a hug or kiss as you run out the door.
10. Spend time apart. Respect each other’s needs. You can’t always be “on.” No one can. Balance each other and your responsibilities. Offer your partner time to be him or her self and enjoy time apart.
11. Communicate honestly. You can’t fix issues that you don’t know are broken. Have productive discussions by resolving tensions before they become larger problems.
12. Listen to each other openly. It’s easy to miscommunicate. You don’t always have to agree, and you can continue to be civil. Sometimes you will agree to disagree. Deep wounds need to be addressed quickly.
13. Practice forgiveness. You’ll need this skill often in life. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone certain actions, only that you’ll overlook offenses. It doesn’t mean that you’ll forget either. Visit a counselor for deep hurts.
14. Pets are a training ground for kids. Someone told us that we were ready for kids if we could keep a pet alive and healthy for two years. That’s a fine starting point.
15. Nothing will prepare you for kids until you have your own. Your whole world changes when tiny beings are totally dependent on you.
16. Kids are amazing. They will teach you so much about yourself as they mirror your actions and grow into their own people.
17. Kids will torment you. They are terrorists that will negotiate you into impossible predicaments. You can’t live their lives for them. Nor can you protect them from everything. Nor should you. Some of the best lessons are learned by going through them.
18. Keep a keen eye on your finances. Don’t overspend. Live within your means. Discipline to live below your means allows for freedom and peace.
19. Stuff is good. Experiences are better. Live and enjoy. Create experiences along the way. Experiences will create some of the best memories long after the material items fade or are broken or gone.
20. Plan time as a couple. Court each other as you did before you were married. Plan a date night. Kids will leave the nest, and hopefully, you’ll still have a partner when they’re gone.
21. Travel as often as possible. Explore new places.
22. Build trust. Be each other’s confidant. Grow together. Dream impossible dreams with each other. Be adaptable, and love will bloom through almost any circumstance.

Is there anything else you would add?

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