How Kids Are Perfect Mirrors of their Parents
Take a look at your “self”
Kids are perfect mirrors of their parents. They are always watching, always listening. Mostly, kids' “bad” behavior comes from watching parents when they are angry. Kids pick up on the little things we do. They pick up on our good qualities, but the glaring characteristics are the ones we wish we didn’t portray. If you want to fix kids’ behavior, first, take a look in the mirror and fix your “self.”
If you anger easily, or kick something, or throw something in anger, they are sure to notice. Kids don’t subscribe to the do as I say, not as I do, way of thinking. They do what they see. Their behaviors, combined with similar genetic qualities, may have you looking at a miniature version of your “self.”
People have kids for all kinds of reasons:
- Some have nurturing qualities that make them excellent parents
- Some never wanted children, but end up with kids anyway
- Some want children terribly, but can’t have them, so they foster or adopt
- Some want kids, then realize they aren’t cut out for parenting
Parenting is a tough job.
How you parent is, to a certain degree, a result of who you are and what kind of background you come from. If you were loved and nurtured, it is easy to pass along those qualities. If you come from a horrible home life, or a disadvantaged one, you may find it challenging to be a good parent.
Some people manage to rise above the life they came from to give their kids a better experience than the one they had.
Regardless of your background, when your kids begin reflecting less than desirable qualities, it’s time to look at yourself, especially if you’re repeatedly correcting behavior that strikes a chord of familiarity with how you act.
My youngest says, “Mommy, you look at me, but you don’t look at yourself.” My bell has been rung. My husband recently said both of our girls have similar characteristics to me. I’m sure he doesn’t want me to mirror back the attributes of him I see in them, but let’s stay with the thought for a moment.
Every time you look into a mirror, an image is reflected.
“We look into mirrors but we only see the effects of our times on us — not our effects on others.” — Pearl Bailey
One of our kids is a loner. She assumes more than she should and doesn’t ask for help. The other is a powerful energetic force with strong convictions. She’s dominant and doesn’t know how to temper her strong will with wisdom. If you’ve guessed I am a confident lone wolf, you might be right. The girls exhibit what they see. That’s a good thing for positive qualities, not so much for negative ones.
Kids mirror the behavior of their role models, both good and bad.
When your kids say things like, “Well, that’s what you do.” It’s time for self-reflection.
Work in Progress
Kids are under constant development. They are the very definition of a work in progress. As parents, we know this when they are young, but forget this as they begin to approach adulthood. By age 8, kids have basic reasoning of right and wrong, but their brains are not fully developed until around 23-years-old.
Kids are half-brained individuals. They demonstrate unclear thinking and are distracted because they aren’t capable of complex thought processes until the frontal lobe of their brain is developed.
Give Assurance
Kids need assurance, a lot of it. Couple unclear thinking and uncertainty with emotions and we’ve got a lot of self-questioning kids, especially during the teenage years, when their bodies are developing, and they aren’t sure how to act or who they are.
Kids are trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be. They try on a lot of different personalities, to figure out which traits feel the most comfortable. They change characters as often as they change clothes, which depending on their age and mood, is often. Kids push boundaries to see what they can get away with and who is in charge. It’s part of growing up, but even if they never say it, they want parents to establish boundaries.
Kids who live without boundaries cry for parents who care.
Combat Fear with Enlightenment
A lot of misbehavior is rooted in fear. It’s true for adults too if we’re honest. Kids aren’t as able to handle their fears. Remember the boogeyman who hid under your bed as a kid? He’s still lurking around most corners. As kids develop, he takes on different forms of insecurity and fear.
Presenting yourself can be scary when you aren’t sure who you are. Parents are hopefully better able to handle emotions that have a lot of power over kids:
- fear of loneliness
- fear of being accepted
- fear of embarrassment
- fear of disgust
- fear of anxiety
The common denominator is fear, and it plays out in a lot of different ways. Help kids know their fears are not manifesting as a boogeyman by giving them skills to deal with their emotions. Loan them your experiences as a source of strength, encouragement, and guidance. It’s a tall order. To raise good kids, encourage them to move in spite of their fear.
Instilling a solid foundation that helps kids grow into less fearful adults is vital, so they don’t need a good doctor who costs a lot of money later.
Otherwise, the circle of life will continue, and we’ll have a bunch of ill-equipped kids in grown-up bodies continuing the fearful cycle. And, those problems will grow into a fearful society.
Are we ready to assume those problems?
When we look in the mirror and address our own issues, we can be less fearful we’ll pass those traits onto our kids. And, kids, in turn, will grow into less afraid adults.
“The mirror is a powerful tool because it forces you to deal with yourself on a deeper level. Conceptually, paintings are like mirrors. They’re an expression from the artist: ‘This is how I view the world — I’m presenting it to you.” — Mickalene Thomas
Present your best “self” and encourage kids to do the same.
