Manifesting

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1990

Abstract

to a little coma where nothing matters.</p><p id="4756">Drinking was fun too until it wasn’t.</p><p id="e4a5">When I was younger and braver I did real stuff to soothe my mind and float away. You know the typical stuff-pain pills, other pills, coke, etc. I hated weed, though. It made my anxiety and paranoia worse. It was my least favorite of all.</p><p id="be21">I liked cocaine the most because I felt like I was Penélope Cruz in the movie <i>Blow</i>. I was someone else then. So sophisticated and cultured (in reality I was in the back seat of somebody’s car with three of my friends in the freezing cold Kentucky winter sharing what we could get from a random guy who knows a guy). Those stories could make for a great book if I could just remember them.</p><p id="94e1">I never did anything harder than coke, though. Harder stuff was for sad people, poor people, or people with problems, right? <i>Right?</i></p><figure id="7382"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*cwlG1YyaMVioqVbwe7ylvQ.png"><figcaption>Photo by the author, of the author age 16.</figcaption></figure><p id="8a03">Ok, I’m manifesting out of these memories now. All is wonderful on Mulberry Street.</p><p id="9d41">I’m coming out of the past and into the moment. That’s what all the therapists say, don’t stay in the past. But also don’t focus too much on the future; just focus on the present.</p><p id="33b9">It’s like being on a very tall diving board at the pool in the summer and I forgot how to swim. Everyone is shouting, trying to quickly teach me. I am trying to balance just right though, trying not to fall off. Trying not to completely lose it.</p><p id="31e1">Thanks for reading. You can find more of my thoughts <a href="https://medium.com/@alyeduncan">here</a>.</p><div id="720b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/about-me-alexandra-duncan-e68f71ee4bb2"> <div> <div> <h2>About Me — Alexandra Duncan</h2

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            <div><h3>Millennial writer of poetry &amp; memoirs, mother &amp; wife</h3></div>

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It’s all the rage on TikTok

Photo by the author.

Manifesting. Everyone’s talking about Manifesting lately. If you just believe it, it will happen. If you think about it enough, it will be yours. It sounds so simple. Your life is what you make it, you can create anything. Ok sure, I’ll try it out but your white privilege is definitely showing here.

I’m going to manifest to be a millionaire, to be happy, to stay young, nothing is real anyway. Nothing really matters. It’s all just a dream. If you believe, you are.

I think I can trick my brain into doing whatever I want. I can’t but I still try. I am happy. I am strong. All the BS in meditations.

I would like to manifest a different past. Make-believe that it was someone else. Maybe I’m doing this wrong, I’m not sure, but hey it’s worth a shot.

As a child I remember something that is still very difficult for me to describe, it was a black maze in my mind. A constant black maze. It was blocking something out. Making me forget things. Things weren’t clear or right.

I don’t know what it was but it was there then and now it isn’t. I can remember it mostly though, what my mind always looked like when I tried to search for answers. When I tried to make sense of things.

I don't remember when it went away. Maybe I ran it off, maybe I grew up and it left. I know that I got so tired of it that I looked for anything that would make it go away or just be quiet for a while. Drugs, alcohol, attention, music.

My brain likes being tricked. It likes going far, far away. Since I was young. I’ve always found ways to self-medicate. Food/overeating was always the most reliable. I just eat myself right into a little coma where nothing matters.

Drinking was fun too until it wasn’t.

When I was younger and braver I did real stuff to soothe my mind and float away. You know the typical stuff-pain pills, other pills, coke, etc. I hated weed, though. It made my anxiety and paranoia worse. It was my least favorite of all.

I liked cocaine the most because I felt like I was Penélope Cruz in the movie Blow. I was someone else then. So sophisticated and cultured (in reality I was in the back seat of somebody’s car with three of my friends in the freezing cold Kentucky winter sharing what we could get from a random guy who knows a guy). Those stories could make for a great book if I could just remember them.

I never did anything harder than coke, though. Harder stuff was for sad people, poor people, or people with problems, right? Right?

Photo by the author, of the author age 16.

Ok, I’m manifesting out of these memories now. All is wonderful on Mulberry Street.

I’m coming out of the past and into the moment. That’s what all the therapists say, don’t stay in the past. But also don’t focus too much on the future; just focus on the present.

It’s like being on a very tall diving board at the pool in the summer and I forgot how to swim. Everyone is shouting, trying to quickly teach me. I am trying to balance just right though, trying not to fall off. Trying not to completely lose it.

Thanks for reading. You can find more of my thoughts here.