Tony’s House

The dark secret I don’t want anymore

Content Warning: In this poem, there are sensitive topics/phrases that may be triggering to some readers.

He doesn’t know that I’ve thought of him nearly every day for the past fourteen years And on the days that I didn’t, he visited me in my nightmares

I never knew his name I always believed it was my responsibility, My fault

It was blackness in my mind My mind was trying to protect me It begged me not to think about it

My best friend screaming and crying I held her hand Then it was me My responsibility I drove us there

I didn’t know why it hurt like that after all these years It was just sex But it changed the trajectory of my life I tried to normalize it I tried to mix it in with the others after him But it never blended in

I tried to make it make sense I was afraid my heart couldn’t take it I needed to catch my breath

It was a dark secret I didn’t tell anyone I made the wrong choices and I blamed myself

I was never angry at him Until I was 30 years old My therapist told me it wasn’t my fault My brain couldn’t process it

Why did it hurt so badly? Why couldn’t I talk about it Like other women did on social media

It was mine, I couldn’t tell everyone I was trapped I couldn’t scream He wouldn’t stop It was terrifying

And we all wonder why I am like this now A “control-freak” Anxious Worried Trust issues I don’t have it figured out yet My mind keeps pushing it away

Numb Dark Far-away

I remember that house so well Tony’s house All those boys The carpet The window I wished we could jump out of

Maybe it wasn’t me Maybe it didn’t happen I begin to shake Shhh, It’s over now I whisper Why does it still haunt me