Making BDSM Attractive for the Non-Kinky
Change up colors, be playful, and introduce new sensations
My belief is that few couples are as sexually compatible as they should be, or would like to be.
The beauty of a long-term relationship should be that you’ve gained the ability to communicate your most deeply held desires in many areas of your life including not limited to:
- Sexuality
- Finances
- Spirituality
- Vacations
So why consider something like BDSM? Isn’t it just a form of kinky play with funny titles like Master and Mistress? Couples use ropes to tie each other up before spanking or whipping?
Isn’t that how it works? The non-kinky can conclude that BDSM may be right for some people, but not right for many others, including themselves.
Or, how is BDSM more than what we see on the surface?
What is BDSM?
Acronyms are more a part of our lives than ever before, so you’re likely aware that BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sado-masochism. Refreshing to know, right?
What do those words really tell us?
Instead of diving into each one, let’s deal with the perception that’s given like BDSM being activities that are dark, foreboding, taboo, and forbidden. Activities can only happen in dungeons or in gatherings with intricate equipment.
In reality, think of BDSM as a state of mind where one becomes sexually dominant and the other sexually submissive, yielding to the dominant one.
The mental aspect is the strongest foreplay that happens and it’s the origin of sexual activity for all of us, but specifically those drawn to each other in a dominant-submissive relationship.
Sex begins in our sexy, or not so sexy psyches.
What’s the attraction of BDSM?
Healthy sex in a long-term relationship should bond two people together. BDSM can have a risk-thrill-reward component that encompasses the imagination along with our nerves and muscles physically.
So it becomes powerful.
BDSM also has a nice theatrical aspect, like a sexual drama that you direct and play out in real life.
What occurs in a dominant-submissive relationship is a mix of emotions mingling with physical sensations. In the emotions, a dominant has a submissive place trust and focus in the dom. That can be relatively surface or it can go deep where the submissive truly longs for the commands and touch of the dom in order to feel whole and loved.
Studies described in a 2015 Psychology Today article showed that, “both bottoms and tops reported increases in relationship closeness and decreases in psychological stress from before to after their scenes, but bottoms also showed increases in physiological stress as measured by the hormone cortisol.”
An example of stirring the emotions can be through something like speech restrictions.
A dominant may not allow a submissive to use words, but only sounds during a session. Yet, the sub is having all kinds of emotions roil and boil inside so the dom has to be responsible in helping the submissive ultimately channel those thoughts.
Sight restrictions can be another form of placing boundaries like not letting the submissive look up, or only look straight, or using blindfolds so they’re not aware of what’s going to happen next.
BDSM as sensation play
For the non-kinky especially, BDSM is the chance to experience new sensations. Everything happens in degrees. Pain doesn’t have to be excruciating. It can be light pinches and spanks on the butt.
Wrist cuffs don’t have to be harsh feeling. Soft fabrics can be used to tie wrists or ankles.
Wooden clothespins or one ice cube rubbed on the tummy can work wonders to heighten the awareness of sensations. Quick tickles or tiny pinches along the thighs are other sensations to introduce — and this is before even mentioning paddles or floggers.
Experiment and explore. Talk about things ahead of time.
Giving each other massages can be great ways to prep the body for sensation play.
Remember that the human body (and brain) is the greatest sex toy available for us.
The colors of BDSM
Porn clips especially show the harshness of BDSM and often take place in dark dungeons. So change up colors. Use LED candles that have different colors or in your bedroom change out regular light bulbs for red or blue.
Light-colored wrist and ankle cuffs in red or pink are available so try some.
Decorate the room with flowers and scents like lavender.
BDSM can be a light way to discover how you relate to each other by using sensations to make you more sensual, or stimulate sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smells.
This can become far more sensual than you ever thought possible.
Try it. You don’t have to call yourself kinky, but you might find yourself enjoying the play and wanting more.
Dig a little deeper. Read:
Restraining a Submissive Using Eye Contact and Speech in BDSM
