Love on the Edge — Recognizing Relationship Red Flags
In response to Dancing Elephants Press Relationship Column
Okay, Lovers, let’s look at romantic relationships and those things that can kill them. When I was young and stupid, I dated a lovely young lady. As we got to know each other, I noticed a couple of things that put me off. When she laughed, it was loud, and there was a little honk at the end.
Eventually, I noticed that she had very large feet. Otherwise, she was nearly perfect, intelligent, sensitive, loving, and traffic-stopping gorgeous. I allowed the laugh to push me away. Remember, I said I was stupid? We are not going to talk about this kind of deal breaker.
The real breakers in relationships are like personal commandments — they vary wildly from person to person, but some are pretty universal. These are the big no-nos, the lines drawn in the sand, the “I’m outta here” moments. Let’s break it down with some common examples:
Infidelity: This one’s a classic. Cheating shatters trust and often leaves emotional scars too deep to heal. For a lot of folks, this is the express lane to Splitsville.
Dishonesty: Lies are like termites in a relationship’s foundation. Keep lying, and the whole thing collapses. It’s not just about big lies, either — even little white lies can add up to a deal breaker.
Abuse: Whether it’s physical, emotional, or psychological, abuse is a giant red flag. It’s more than a deal-breaker; it’s a get-out-now situation.
Addiction: Battling addiction is tough, and not everyone’s cut out to fight that war alongside their partner. This goes beyond drugs and alcohol — think gambling or even an obsession with work.
Incompatible Values or Life Goals: If you’re on different pages about major life stuff — kids, money, where to live, even politics, career, or religion — it can be impossible to find a middle ground.
Lack of Respect: Everyone deserves respect. If you’re feeling belittled, ignored, or just plain disrespected, it’s a one-way ticket to the end of the line.
Unwillingness to Communicate or Compromise: A relationship is a two-way street. If one person’s doing all the talking (or none of it), or if compromise is a foreign concept, it’s not gonna work out.
Control Issues: If your partner’s trying to control your every move, who you see, what you wear — that’s not love. That’s a control freak.
Lack of Emotional Support: Sometimes, we all need a shoulder to lean on. If your partner isn’t there for you emotionally, what’s the point?
Inconsistent Life Stages: Maybe you’re ready to settle down, and they’re still in party mode, or vice versa. Being in different life stages can be a deal breaker.
Remember, a deal breaker for one person might be fine for another. It’s all about what you can and can’t live within a relationship. Stay true to yourself and your values, and don’t be afraid to walk away if your deal breakers are getting trampled on.
Walking away from a relationship when one of these boundaries is crossed is a difficult but necessary decision for one’s well-being.
As for personal experiences, I have had to deal with three of those issues. A lack of communication caused the first. We allowed time to pass without talking about our evolving life goals and values. We lost touch with each other’s lives in the deeper sense.
The second relationship died because of a failure to understand and compromise about a career choice. I was an Artist when we met and when we married. After the wedding, she wanted to “fix” me by convincing me to get a real job and become “normal.” This was her thought from the beginning, but she never spoke until it was too late. She was correct in believing it would have ended the relationship long before the wedding.
The third was also a failure to communicate. After more than 12 years, I felt a lack of respect from her. Our serious communication times were less often, and she told me I needed to progress more quickly to keep up with her desires. From there, the die was cast, and no recovery was possible.
Honest and sincere communication would have saved the first and the third relationship. It would have prevented the second. Are we seeing a common thread here about relationship troubles? Communicate from the beginning of the relationship.
You know those moments when two people meet and spend the whole night talking about everything? Pay attention to those talks. Continue that kind of communication for the next however many years you have together. That should ensure that you are together after all those years.
How can you find those death traps before you are committed too deeply? Read this to find out.
Libby Shively McAvoy tells us how to manage the relationship.
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