HUMOR
Look Out! It’s a Piano!
Cautionary advice from the “Piano Safety Information” that came with my new Yamaha
I just bought myself a new piano. When it was delivered to my house, it came with this notice:
WARNING! Incorrect handling could result in a life-threatening accident or serious injury up to death.
My Yamaha also came with a safety manual that detailed — in ten different languages — all the ways my new piano could hurt me. “Pianos are large and extremely heavy,” the manual stated, “and therefore careful attention is required regarding their safe use.”
I had no idea a musical instrument could be so dangerous.
The Piano Safety Manual included the following instructions I had to heed so that my piano — and the bench that came with it — wouldn’t harm me or my loved ones:
Do not sit on the piano.
Do not place your hands or feet inside or under the piano.
Do not allow a child to move the piano by themselves.
Pay careful attention so that small children do not fall backward off of piano benches.
Do not use the bench if the legs are loose.
Do not allow children to play around the piano.
Do not stand on the bench.
During a piano inspection, do not touch the parts that are removed from the piano.
Do not go near the piano during an earthquake.
Do not use the piano if you notice an abnormality.
The manual didn’t specify what a piano “abnormality” might consist of or what harm would come to me if I touched any parts that were removed from the piano.
I hope I never have to find out.
In the meantime, I may seem like a timid, mild-mannered retired librarian sitting quietly at the piano playing Chopin. But actually? Every time I sit down at the keyboard — I’m courting disaster!
Let’s just hope that bringing this new perilous piano into my home doesn’t mean that my insurance rates are going to go up.
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