FLATULENT DREAMS
Local Man Misses the Days His Wife Was Too Embarrassed to Fart On Him
Pre-lentil days
Every evening, after beans and rice, Bob’s mother would sit on his father’s lap and expel an enormous fart. His parents would laugh and laugh and Bob dreamed of the day he would be like his father, farted upon by his true love.
Bob was an awkward boy and had a lot of time to think about what he would do if anyone ever agreed to date him. He fantasized one day a girl would return his gaze, then pass gas and they would laugh and laugh and love would follow.
Bob had a lot of girl friends, but no girlfriends. His girl friends were always telling him, I just want someone I can fart around, like we do with you Bob. I’m so sick of stifling my farts in my relationships. It’s ruining my health, ravaging my intestines. I want a man who doesn’t judge me by the savage power and stink of my flatulence.
Bob wanted to be that guy. Bob knew he could be that guy. He came from a long line of those guys. He distinctly remembered his grandparents, holding hands as they shuffled around the house farting like little trains.
He wondered if it was the same with his great grandparents — how far back their family history of the unjudged farting could be traced back.
The day finally came. He met a girl who agreed to marry him. He’d almost forgotten about his dream of being farted upon that was never realized as a young man. He’d let that pass long ago.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen and agreed to date him walked down the aisle towards him. He rejoiced he was following in his parents' footsteps, marrying his true love.
That night, when they were consummating their marriage, Bob’s new bride broke wind like a hurricane. She laughed and said, “Must be the vegan lentil wedding cake.” Bob gagged. That fart would not do!
It stank so bad he jumped out of bed and raced to Walgreens to buy his bride some Beano. The family tradition would end with Bob. That night when he finally became a man, Bob concluded he thought it was gross when women farted, ending his boyhood dream forever.