BAD BEHAVIOR
Local Asshole Unable to Control Behavioral Sphincter
No one is surprised
It’s rare to find a man who can bring a divided America together. One of them is Kevin, who everyone agrees is an asshole.
So it came as a surprise when the crypto-bro and man voted “Most Likely to Wear His Rectum as a Necktie” began successfully dating Sarah, an attractive newcomer to the area.
Acquaintances had no idea how the raging shithead was pulling it off. However, after six months of corking his fundamental self the strain became too much. He could no longer keep his behavioral sphincter shut.
“It was a mistake to even try,” a coworker commented. “His day-to-day assholery is obnoxious enough, but holding it in for that long? Forget shitstorm. It was a fecal tornado.”
The breaking point came yesterday in a heated conversation with Sarah regarding his inappropriate attention to another woman. He revealed the full depth of his asshole nature by insulting her mother, friends, intellect, appearance, taste in music, and skills in the bedroom during a shouting match lasting only 37 seconds.
Sarah responded this morning with an email, which has already been widely circulated among her friends. It reads simply, “Hey shitstain, click here,” with a link to a short YouTube video. The clip features two women sitting on a sofa, a tall blonde with a guitar and an elfin brunette with a ukulele. They sing:
But I would rather have no one Than this crap, let me reaffirm I wouldn’t touch your dick if I’d been poisoned And the antidote was in your sperm
Asked for an analysis, couples therapist Kate Lindhome described it as “a definite breakup message.”
“Any time a woman quotes Garfunkel & Oates*, the relationship is in trouble.” Her recommendation? “My professional advice would be for him to go into hiding. He’s undoubtedly a complete asshole.”
Establishing Kevin’s side of the story has been difficult. He called in sick this morning and is not returning calls, texts, or emails. His acquaintances are understandably reluctant to speak on the record.
“Look, everybody knows Kev has shit for brains,” said one man who would describe himself only as “a coworker and occasional drinking buddy.”
“I don’t think anybody’s surprised it came to this. She was new at work and fell for his nice guy routine, but assholes gonna asshole eventually.”
When asked if he was preparing a statement for tonight’s inevitable conversation with his wife — a close friend of Sarah’s — he said no. “Hey, that’s not how guys roll. I’ll just wing it like usual.”
He anticipates opting for the Male Difficult Domestic Conversation Gambit. “It’s my go-to, just keep my mouth shut and try to get by on nods and grunts.”
Asked about his chance of success, he laughed. “Zero percent, man. She and Sarah are tight, so I have to choose a side. She won’t let up until I say something. But I’m a guy, so it won’t matter what comes out because it will be interpreted as defending the pathetic asshat.”
“Gonna be some cold and lonely nights in my future,” he said, shaking his head.
He added a final message for Kevin. “I’m sorry, man, but fuck you. Guys already screw up plenty on their own. We don’t need you raising the bar by laying down a base coat of assholishness that sticks to all of us.”
* I'm overdue in thanking Garfunkel & Oates (Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci) for inspiration. Without them, I’m not sure I would have started writing again. So I guess this is all their fault.
John Werth is an old, fat, funny-looking Medium Top Writer in Satire. He is married, despite what you are thinking right now, having successfully wrestled his fundamental asshole nature to a draw for the last 35 years. And because his wife is supernaturally patient.
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