Relationships
A Woman’s Field Guide to Valentine’s Day
The KISS Principle — keep it simple, (he’s) stupid
February 14th is the most romantic of holidays, but it can be a fraught time for relationships. For women seeking advice on male behavior, we offer this easy explainer.
Communication
According to relationship experts, the most critical aspect of a successful relationship is clear and open lines of communication. This is bullshit. Clear and open lines of communication are the most critical aspect of a relationship advisor’s bank balance and the lifeblood of divorce lawyers. For the couple involved, they are at best a distant second to carefully managed expectations.
Grand Gestures
Do you deserve an extravagant outpouring of love and romance from your man? Of course! You are beautiful and amazing, and he is lucky to have you. However, this is not the time for unmanaged expectations. Most men aren’t in the grand gesture department. If yours is an exception, congratulations! The first year is always the most exciting.
Remember that love — like life — is a parade. Revel in the floats and marching bands and the cheers of the crowd when you get the chance. Before you know it, everyone has gone home and you’re sweeping up horse shit in silence.
Interpreting Gifts
Expensive jewelry
According to a certain company’s advertisements, “Every Kiss Begins With K.” Less well-known is that “I fucked up, please don’t throw me out” does too, but the K is silent. This is a case where communication is important — be clear if you are planning to throw him out so he’ll know whether to ask for make-up sex or break-up sex.
If he hasn’t committed any relationship-ending offenses, this gift means exactly what you think it does.
Lingerie
He wants you to put it on and have sex with him.
Don’t worry if it isn’t a size or style you like. Yes, it is possible he chose it for another woman and accidentally switched packages — if you were starring opposite Paul Rudd in a rom-com. You aren’t. He isn’t. He bought what looked good on the hot underwear model on the website. Unless you are also a hot underwear model, remember to keep those expectations managed.
On the upside, he won’t notice as long as you put it on and have sex with him.
Chocolate
He will want you to give him some of it, then have sex with him. Possibly the reverse order. Most likely both.
It’s easy to over-interpret this gift. An unexpected candy-free Valentine’s Day doesn’t imply he thinks you’re fat, it’s why he took out the trash before you could notice the empty box. Conversely, receiving some doesn’t mean he thinks you aren’t. He does either way.
Also, no matter how often you spell out what kind you like, receiving the correct type is accidental. Mind those expectations! He did at least try, so unless you’re diabetic you’ve struck gold.
Flowers
He wants you to put them in a vase — or at least willing to wait until you do — then have sex with him.
Bonus points if he puts them in a vase for you. However, unless they’re still in plastic with the flower food packet attached, he had the florist do it. If the water has a blueish tint, it might raise some questions. While it’s true “vitamin V” also keeps flowers erect, you may want to find out why he has them.
Card
He wants to have sex with you but didn’t get his act together in time to buy anything more substantial. Before taking offense, refer back to the paragraph on expectations. Unless it’s a “get well” card, he’s a keeper.
None
If he didn’t buy you a gift, it’s possible he is a feminist rebelling against the archaic ritual prostitution implicit in traditional Valentine’s Day observances. How you deal with this is a very personal decision and not worth going into at length, because actually he just forgot.
Hopefully, you have learned something from this guide. Note that it was written by a man. If you’re unhappy it didn’t live up to your expectations, you clearly learned nothing and should read it again. Happy Valentine’s Day!