A Guide to Living Poorly

Living On the Precipice of Poverty

Duck — that’s not a Baby Ruth

I am not sure what the exact ratio is but I would have to say that one in ten million people are born with the “Richer Than Fuck” gene. Some are born into a family of great wealth where the RTF gene is passed on with some sperm and an egg — and possibly a very dry Martini.

Others create a dynasty through hard work and determination, opening doors into a world of opulence. People like Anthony Robbins, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates used their intelligence, drive, and ingenuity to achieve their illustrious goals.

Then there are the very few who have their mountain of money handed to them because of a rare quality they possess as in music, art, sports, or another money-making ability that pays excessively well.

Then there are the other 98% of us who work our asses off to make ends meet and to save just enough money to only spend it six months later out of dire necessity.

Living on the precipice of poverty is like standing in a room — unable to move from the position; cannot bend from the waist, your head is affixed and unable to move side-to-side or down and back.

Then all at once the world begins to throw shit at you. We’re not talking about little tiny rabbit droppings. Instead, these are the big ole stinky, disgusting, corn-filled, turds. Nothing you can do but take it!

Piece of Advice —It is best to keep your eyes and mouth shut as much as possible when experiencing reality at its worst.

Unfortunately, we greet each day the same way — with a cup of coffee, a quivering lower lip, tears streaming down our faces, and a bowl of frosted shit flakes.

I know you are thinking that life isn’t this way for real-zees. “Yes, it is!” Don’t ignore the crap! You’re probably drowning in it as we speak (or read).

There is an endless supply of doo-doo flying through the air at all times like radio waves. You can even be asleep and wake up in a pile and wonder how this shit was able to find you when enjoying a good dose of REM?

There are the fresh flowers of life too — handed to us by friends, family, and especially our grandchildren. Unfortunately, they too have been known to hurl a hefty portion of the poo we receive.

I was raised in the Midwest farm country of Nebraska. Animals rarely gave us any crap but when they did, we would use it as fertilizer — then we would kill and eat them. I miss the simple solutions of life on the farm.

The biggest issue with the feces bombardment is that it comes from all directions.

1. Through our phones on the tongue of bill collectors with impossible-to-understand accents.
2. Some of the meanest and rudest poop bombs come as certified mail — a sneaky ploy —don’t be fooled!
3. Caution— E-mails can often be E-shit! A binary-tossed turd is just as nasty, stinky, and insulting as a real live shit sundae.
4. Social Media — Need I say more?
5. Cable News — Again, need I say more?
6. Friends, Neighbors, and Family can be, and often are, a primary source of our daily deluge of crap.
7. The worst offender is ourselves! Our minds are giving us shit every second of every day. Telling us that we cannot, are unable to, or the vilest of all self-thrown turds —

“You don’t deserve it — you scum-sucking fuck breath!”

Maybe you don’t say it quite like that but you know what I mean. Hell, these are just a few of the many directions from which a turd may fly. Ergo, keep your head low, and mouth shut, and try to think only positive thoughts.

So, I am only focusing on good, positive, and non-shit thoughts today. How about you?

What election? Oh, Oh! Is that an orange-haired turd zooming this way? DUCK!

Peace, Love, and Unconditional Happiness!

More great stories at Pitfall