Listening to Understand

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Abstract

ey can also be subtle (like the response, “That happened to me!”)Did you notice when you played (if you did) that you started thinking about your response to the person to whom you were listening and started listening to yourself thinking about that response? You might have thought, “Oh yeah, we all know he’s a bully.” Or “Haven’t you read the new article on grief?” Or “Wait until I tell you about X, Y or Z!” In that moment, did you forget the words/phrases that you found powerful or interesting? Did you only partially hear what was being said by the other person once you started listening to your own response? That’s what psychologist Carl Rogers dislikes in himself.It’s a challenge, to say the least, when the person that you are talking to brings to mind things you know and feel and have experienced. And that’s normal.It’s when you move to feeling like you are an expert, or a sympathizer, or a parent that you stop listening. And guess what?Your body language registers you are no longer listening.<ol><li>Your eyes move either up or down or to the side, signaling that you are no longer with with your speaker.</li><li>Your head moves, usually up (if you are contemplating brilliant responses) or down (if you are going to confirm that it is as bad/good/crazy as the speake

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r is saying it is).</li><li>You shift your shoulders and/or move your legs in such a way that you signal that you are ready to respond and no longer listening.</li></ol>Your listener registers that you are no longer listening, although they might not show it or even fully realize it.Listening for what you want to talk about (and not to what is actually being said) derails the exchange even more. As Carl Rogers put it: You “catch [yourself] trying to twist the speaker’s message to make it say what [you] want him/her/them to say,” and then only hearing that — again, so you can be an expert.When our partners register that we’re not listening to them, they shut down, change the topic, become polite or angry. When this happens to me, whether I’m on the speaking or listening end, I feel exhausted and lonely.Tip: Put your inner expert(s) in a closet while you listen. Even if they are banging to get out, keep focusing on the speaker’s words and their meanings. It’s a new world you’ve been invited into as a partner; join into it with your friend’s actual words.Want some more tips for how to keep yourself focused on what someone is saying? Stay tuned for the next installment on focusing tips.Thanks for reading, for listening.</article></body>

Silencing your inner expert

“What I really dislike in myself is not being able to hear the other person because I am so sure in advance of what they are about to say that I don’t listen.” —Carl Rogers, A Way of Being

In my last Medium piece on empathy, https://readmedium.com/a-quick-little-empathy-game-2ae5ed2f6639, I designed a game to play with someone with whom you want to have deeper conversations. You listened for content and intent, noting four words or short phrases that stood out to you, ones you wanted to say back to your friend.

You might also remember that I promised a follow-up. In this one, I discuss what can happen as you listen that can block communication. The blocks can be obvious (like the response, “Anyone would feel stupid if that happened to them!”) but they can also be subtle (like the response, “That happened to me!”)

Did you notice when you played (if you did) that you started thinking about your response to the person to whom you were listening and started listening to yourself thinking about that response? You might have thought, “Oh yeah, we all know he’s a bully.” Or “Haven’t you read the new article on grief?” Or “Wait until I tell you about X, Y or Z!” In that moment, did you forget the words/phrases that you found powerful or interesting? Did you only partially hear what was being said by the other person once you started listening to your own response? That’s what psychologist Carl Rogers dislikes in himself.

It’s a challenge, to say the least, when the person that you are talking to brings to mind things you know and feel and have experienced. And that’s normal.

It’s when you move to feeling like you are an expert, or a sympathizer, or a parent that you stop listening. And guess what?

Your body language registers you are no longer listening.

Your eyes move either up or down or to the side, signaling that you are no longer with with your speaker.

Your head moves, usually up (if you are contemplating brilliant responses) or down (if you are going to confirm that it is as bad/good/crazy as the speaker is saying it is).

You shift your shoulders and/or move your legs in such a way that you signal that you are ready to respond and no longer listening.

Your listener registers that you are no longer listening, although they might not show it or even fully realize it.

Listening for what you want to talk about (and not to what is actually being said) derails the exchange even more. As Carl Rogers put it: You “catch [yourself] trying to twist the speaker’s message to make it say what [you] want him/her/them to say,” and then only hearing that — again, so you can be an expert.

When our partners register that we’re not listening to them, they shut down, change the topic, become polite or angry. When this happens to me, whether I’m on the speaking or listening end, I feel exhausted and lonely.

Tip: Put your inner expert(s) in a closet while you listen. Even if they are banging to get out, keep focusing on the speaker’s words and their meanings. It’s a new world you’ve been invited into as a partner; join into it with your friend’s actual words.

Want some more tips for how to keep yourself focused on what someone is saying? Stay tuned for the next installment on focusing tips.

Thanks for reading, for listening.