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Abstract

e words/phrases in sentences that you might “say back” to me as: 1) resonating for you, 2) not being sure about the intended meaning, 3) important for you to think about, 4) important for me to think about, or 5) important for us to think about together.Now imagine that, after hearing your response, I write down four of your words/phrases from your sentences and say why they stood out to me. (And yes, I will do that if you choose to comment.)Here’s an example of how such an exchange might play out:You Write and Say Back: Dead-end conversations (content) resonated with me because I always find myself wanting to be supportive of the people, so shaking my head affirmatively is my go-to response, but, more often than not, it doesn’t lead to an exchange. I don’t feel revitalized (intent) because the pretending gets to me. While I like hearing news or stories, I do lose interest (intent) if my conversations are, over and over again, just one-way (content).The above response would pique my interest because I can see that you paid attention to what I said and that you wish to explore this further with me.I Write and Say Back to You: I, too, find myself wanting to be supportive. Shaking my head affirmatively is my go-to response (content). I find myself pretending to be interested. If I do nod, the speaker usually talks more, which disappoints me (intent). Instead, I want to take time to respond and learn and engage with those with whom I talk — that’s when I’m revitalized (intent). I like to hear new interpretations of experience and explore new connections rather than passively listening to

Options

news or stories.The above sample exchange sets up a communication pattern of mutual listening and responding. To use Rogers’s word, I would begin to “re-perceive” my experience of shallow versus deeper exchanges. For example, I am now really interested in exploring what it means to be pretending as a listener. I feel less alone knowing that you have heard me, have not judged me, and want to connect further.Find a Partner to Play With YouAlthough awkward, it’s helpful if you write down words and phrases to get the hang of it. Note content (what’s being talked about) and intent (feelings, values) expressed about that content. Pretty soon you won’t need to write down key phrases but will be able to extract them from the flow of the conversation. You will find that saying back at least four words/brief phrases that resonate with, interest and or perplex you in a nonjudgmental way will deepen your conversations.How Long Does the Game Go?As long as you can listen.And The Winner?The first one who doesn’t give up. But, unless you are with an egomaniac who loves the sound of his/her own words, you and your listener will both win.And the Prize?Friendship.And this is just the beginning of the game. An addition is coming soon to a Medium post near you. Trailer: Listeners find themselves thinking about how they might respond and stop listening … and that’s not good if you are trying to understand what someone is saying; it usually signals that you have an answer, can easily dismiss what the speaker has said, want to praise the speaker for being like you … in other words, you want the speaker to have the experience you want them to have.</article></body>

A Quick Little Empathy Game

Want to invigorate your communication?

“When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on.” — Carl Rogers, A Way of Being

Have you found yourself in conversations where one person tells something and you tell something back? Or found yourself giving mini-speeches or been the recipient of them? It’s easy to slip into one-way, dead-end conversations that end up in silence or polite closure. One shakes one’s head affirmatively to get to the end and then both speaker and listener move on, pretending that the conversation was satisfactory. If these exchanges happen over and over, one can feel demoralized, lonely, uninterested and uninteresting, unheard.

Ever notice that when someone really listens to you, nonjudgmentally, you feel revitalized? You begin to see your experiences through fresh eyes; you gain new knowledge from the experience of others.

Can a game really help us listen better? It’s helped me time and time again.

It’s not complicated. Would you like to play?

The Game

Take out a pen and sheet of paper and write down four words/brief phrases that stood out to you in the paragraphs above. Only four. One should be the content (literal topic) and the others the intent (feelings or values, either implicit or explicit). Don’t overthink them. Now put those words/phrases in sentences that you might “say back” to me as: 1) resonating for you, 2) not being sure about the intended meaning, 3) important for you to think about, 4) important for me to think about, or 5) important for us to think about together.

Now imagine that, after hearing your response, I write down four of your words/phrases from your sentences and say why they stood out to me. (And yes, I will do that if you choose to comment.)

Here’s an example of how such an exchange might play out:

You Write and Say Back: Dead-end conversations (content) resonated with me because I always find myself wanting to be supportive of the people, so shaking my head affirmatively is my go-to response, but, more often than not, it doesn’t lead to an exchange. I don’t feel revitalized (intent) because the pretending gets to me. While I like hearing news or stories, I do lose interest (intent) if my conversations are, over and over again, just one-way (content).

The above response would pique my interest because I can see that you paid attention to what I said and that you wish to explore this further with me.

I Write and Say Back to You: I, too, find myself wanting to be supportive. Shaking my head affirmatively is my go-to response (content). I find myself pretending to be interested. If I do nod, the speaker usually talks more, which disappoints me (intent). Instead, I want to take time to respond and learn and engage with those with whom I talk — that’s when I’m revitalized (intent). I like to hear new interpretations of experience and explore new connections rather than passively listening to news or stories.

The above sample exchange sets up a communication pattern of mutual listening and responding. To use Rogers’s word, I would begin to “re-perceive” my experience of shallow versus deeper exchanges. For example, I am now really interested in exploring what it means to be pretending as a listener. I feel less alone knowing that you have heard me, have not judged me, and want to connect further.

Find a Partner to Play With You

Although awkward, it’s helpful if you write down words and phrases to get the hang of it. Note content (what’s being talked about) and intent (feelings, values) expressed about that content. Pretty soon you won’t need to write down key phrases but will be able to extract them from the flow of the conversation. You will find that saying back at least four words/brief phrases that resonate with, interest and or perplex you in a nonjudgmental way will deepen your conversations.

How Long Does the Game Go?

As long as you can listen.

And The Winner?

The first one who doesn’t give up. But, unless you are with an egomaniac who loves the sound of his/her own words, you and your listener will both win.

And the Prize?

Friendship.

And this is just the beginning of the game. An addition is coming soon to a Medium post near you. Trailer: Listeners find themselves thinking about how they might respond and stop listening … and that’s not good if you are trying to understand what someone is saying; it usually signals that you have an answer, can easily dismiss what the speaker has said, want to praise the speaker for being like you … in other words, you want the speaker to have the experience you want them to have.