Listen, Your Trauma Is Not Your Fault. Period.
Your feelings are valid. You’re not broken or unfixable.
When we first become aware of our trauma, we feel shocked, terrified, and enlightened at the same time.
Shocked because the thought of being a traumatized person had never crossed our minds before. Terrified because we have no idea what to do with this new awareness. Enlightened because suddenly everything makes sense.
In the beginning, there’s a lot of anger coming up to the surface. The anger we’ve ignored and suppressed for years, or even decades.
We’re finally acknowledging how unfair our situation is, which in turn makes us feel incredibly hopeless. Why me? Why did this happen? Why did it have to be this way?
We’re right: it is unfair. It’s unfair because we had no choice but to deal with it, and we’re now realizing how it has messed us up.
But let me tell you something: we do have a choice from now on.
Whatever Happened To You Was Not Your Fault
I can’t even count how many times I’ve read/heard things like “we can’t blame our parents for all our problems” or “it’s not that bad, you should take things lightly”.
This kind of comment is incredibly invalidating and implies that we are somehow responsible for our trauma.
Nonsense. Your trauma is not your fault. Period.
Whatever happened to you was not your fault.
You are not responsible for the actions of those who’ve hurt you. You are not responsible for the environment you grew up in. You are not responsible for the emotional immaturity of your parents. And you are certainly not responsible for the transgenerational trauma your family has been carrying.
You were merely collateral damage, and you never deserved it.
However, you do deserve to heal. You do deserve to not be defined by your trauma. And the only way to do that is to allow yourself to feel everything and be brave enough to break the cycle.
You Are So Much More Than Your Trauma
I know that sometimes, as ironic as it sounds, it can be easier to hold onto our pain than to release it. That’s what happens when we’re so used to painful circumstances and chaotic environments that we normalize the pain and let ourselves be defined by it.
I know that sometimes your nervous system is so dysregulated that you can’t find peace or safety anywhere. You’re always looking for signs of danger and trying to protect yourself from the next threat.
I also know that sometimes all you can do is freeze and numb yourself. You feel lost, hopeless, and powerless, even if the “threat” is imagined (because somewhere along the line, as a child, you did experience circumstances that were too overwhelming for you to process — so freezing and numbing are your go-to coping mechanisms).
Listen to me: your feelings are valid. You’re not broken or unfixable.
Don’t blame yourself for these coping mechanisms — at some point, you needed them to navigate life. They have served a purpose.
But here’s the thing: just because these coping mechanisms have served you in the past, it doesn’t mean you have to keep them. It doesn't mean you can’t choose healthier coping mechanisms.
The truth is that you’ve been programmed the wrong way. Your experiences taught you the world is unfair and unsafe — and yes, it can be, but it doesn’t have to be unsafe all the time. It doesn’t have to make you feel anxious and hopeless every second of every day.
The world can also be beautiful when you learn to regulate your nervous system and teach yourself to feel safe.
To be clear, I’m not saying you should pretend everything’s fine or put pressure on yourself to move on. I’m saying you can sit with your emotions for as long as you need to and then choose to use them as a catalyst for transformation.
I’m saying you don’t have to be a victim of your circumstances.
You don’t have to allow those who’ve hurt you to take away your power. You don’t have to sit and wait for them to make the pain disappear, because guess what? They won’t. Only you can do that.
Maybe you can’t see this now, but I promise you that your pain is the fertile breeding ground upon which you’ll build everything — your life, your dreams, your values, and your connection to your authentic self.
In the past, you were probably led to believe you’re powerless, but you’re not. Your inner power is right there within you.
“If you commit yourself to doing the work every day, there will come a time when you will look in the mirror and feel awestruck by the person looking back at you.”
Dr. Nicole LePera, in How To Do The Work
You’re not responsible for your trauma, but you’re responsible for your healing.
Years of conditioning won’t disappear in a few weeks. It takes time for us to integrate our experiences and make sense of our feelings. However, it’s not impossible.
Your authentic self is right there, untouched and filled with energy to help you thrive. It knows who you truly are.
It knows you deserve much more than being defined by what happened to you.
