Listen With Ears and Eyes Before Opening Your Mouth
Listening to understand rather than respond is a uniquely valuable Emotional Intelligence skill that will serve you being a successful relationship partner and as an employer, team member, or leader
Being naturally a good listener is a rare and special skill. People possessing this highly sought-after and useful trait make wonderfully successful partners in both personal relationships and leadership positions. It requires personal awareness as well as present moment awareness, the ability to demonstrate empathy, compassion, and patience. A good listener will listen with the intent to understand rather than respond defensively or attacking or anything in between that only serves the listener’s ego and does not fit the sharer’s needs.
“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” ~Dali Lama
What Makes a Good Listener
Before I came to understand the power of Emotional Intelligence, many times I would get distracted by other thoughts as I listened without truly hearing, and/or would start to offer solutions for that person’s dilemma when really, they simply wanted to be heard. Here are a few strategies I have learned for how I now practice effective active listening with my coaching clients, friends, and family:
- When possible, I face the person (eye contact is important) I am talking with and put away cell phones, turn off the television, and get rid of all other distractions. The eyes are the “gateway to the soul” so when we look at someone in the eyes we pay respect and bond with them. Our eyes also mirror actual neurons in the other person’s brain that emulate their facial expressions.
- Take notes when necessary and paraphrase what they say back to be sure I understand what was conveyed. If I do not have the proper understanding, this process allows me to recognize that and allows the person to explain again. I repeat this process until we are both sure that we are on the same page.
- I focus on their body language and am mindful and empathetic of their non-verbal communication. Body language can convey a level of confidence, or lack thereof, and give insight into how that person may be feeling.
- I ask open-ended questions
- I keep an open mind.
Building listening skills is part of Emotional Intelligence
Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. By being a good active listener, I build trust and respect in my relationships both personal and professional. Being an active listener reduces conflict, builds empathy, and creates a deeper connection.
When you want to feel heard it is also important to present yourself in a way that you can be well received. I find using “I statements” helpful. When wanting to be properly heard, I focus on communicating my statements in the first person as well. I also focus on explaining my feelings without criticizing my partner. I communicate my feelings while keeping to my own side of the street. This way my partner can hear me without feeling blamed or shamed and vice versa.
Statements such as I feel_______ when this happens and it would help me if you ________. In return the partner can counter with I understand and I try _______________ and get frustrated when _________________. The goal is to have a productive conversation with an end goal in mind for resolution.
A very special person to me answered a question, “ How can you handle conflict in such a way that it yields intimacy and helps relationships grow?” Marcus brilliantly replied, “Shut up, listen, and meet your partner’s emotional needs without losing sight of your own, while maintaining your own boundaries and allowing their autonomy.” You might see why I am quite smitten with him. He then went on to write this remarkable American cinquain poem:
Listen Hold soul’s windows Relate to emotions Address fear and anger with love Share me
Tying it all together
Ways you can practice effective and active listening:
- Simply practice staying in the present moment
- Practice not interrupting
- Focus more on the person speaking than on yourself
- Ask questions that show you are interested in what they are saying, and that you want to hear more about it
- Pay attention to the non-verbal cues and body language
These Emotional Intelligence skills will help you relate to other people and will help in all aspects of life. Learning to listen is a sacred skill because it will reduce conflict, save you time by being more efficient, builds reciprocity, and shows that you care. It will make you a more relatable, likable, and effective leader.
This was inspired by Diana C. Fifty Question Challenge, specifically #43, “ In What ways is listening a sacred skill?” (The question Marcus answered above was Diana’s #5). I appreciate a good challenge that pushes me past my previous edge and makes me stronger and I would encourage any of you to join in. The KTHT Publication tribe is super supportive. If you like these stories please clap and comment. Tell me what you like, something about yourself, or even what you would like me to write about next, I am completely listening to you 😉
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