Life With an Abusive Alcoholic

The Victim’s Guide to Wellness

You don’t choose your family.

For some, that’s painfully true.

Imagine a life surrounded by abuse and toxicity. A lot of people suffer from this reality every day. I know I did. It’s not fair to call it a “life.” It’s more like an existence.

Having an abusive alcoholic in your life can only be described as survival mode. You’re just trying to get to the end of the day when the abuser passes out or goes to sleep, and you find temporary relief. A few hour’s worth of parole. Because you’re never set free and have to return to the prison.

Abusive alcoholics are everywhere. 55% of domestic violence cases in the U.S. involved alcohol. So, what can you do if you have an abuser in your life? How do you find normalcy without losing your mind or worse?

The answer can be tricky. A lot depends on the situation and the level of the abuse. One thing is sure: decisions need to be made and action taken. This problem will not solve itself, but it is possible to find happiness and wellness through strategic planning and a bit of help.

Abuse 101

Abuse is not a one-size-fits-all thing. There are many forms of abuse. Physical is the most common form, but abuse can be verbal, emotional, and psychological as well.

Any type of abuse is destructive, but emotional and mental abuse tends to be the worst. Because physical abuse is cyclical, often, an abuser will cause harm and then feel remorse. These incidents are usually followed by apologetic behavior, then continued physical abuse after some time.

Verbal and psychological abuse leave internal wounds that can’t easily be detected and healed. The internal scars caused by years of torment can take decades to resolve. Plus, the collateral damage results in a vicious cycle of endless AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder) and addiction that repeats and passes on from generation to generation.

It’s no wonder family members of an alcoholic suffer the same fate as the drinker. Alcoholism, Substance Use Disorder (SUD), and mental health issues are common among people exposed to prolonged abuse from an afflicted family member.

The Abuser

Abusive alcoholics often display specific characteristics and behaviors. Understanding how the abuse happens, the involved triggers and resulting actions can help with early detection and preventive measures.

Abuser characteristics and behaviors:

• Lack of Control

Uncontrolled drinking and addictive behavior. Also, a lack of emotional control is standard.

• Prioritize Alcohol

Alcohol has become a regular part of everyday life. Events and gatherings must include alcohol. Often, an alcoholic will skip events that don’t include alcohol and will drink at home or in seclusion.

When alcohol consumption is restricted, the abuser becomes irritable and aggressive. These are the early symptoms of withdrawal.

• Excuses and Finger-Pointing

It’s never their fault for anything. Arguments and physical abuse are always the faults of the abused. “They made me do it” and “They asked for it” are common go-to phrases.

• Insecure

Insecurities and similar feelings are one of many reasons an alcoholic drinks. The alcohol compounds these feelings, which can sometimes morph into paranoia or worse.

• Impatient

Impatience and irritability are usually associated directly with drinking patterns. For example, when an alcoholic attends events or is out in public, and they’ve gone for an extended period without alcohol, these feelings are magnified and difficult to contain.

• Secretive

Some alcoholics try to conceal or hide their drinking. Perhaps not to cover up their drinking altogether, but to disguise the level and the amounts of alcohol they consume.

• Defensive

An abuser will often get defensive of any criticism, no matter how small. Remember, alcoholics sometimes rationalize their drinking with excuses and manufactured emotions. Every situation could become a trigger to drink.

• Manipulative

Alcoholics are masters at manipulation. When an abuser recognizes that family members are eager to make them happy and avoid conflict escalation, the alcoholic uses the situation to their advantage.

The Abused

Unfortunately, if alcoholic abuse turns physical, the signs are unmistakable.

• Black eyes
• Bruises on the neck, arms and wrists
• Busted lip

Sometimes, the abuser is aware of the visual evidence their abuse leaves and often focuses on areas easily covered by clothing.

Possible signs of concealed physical abuse:

• Movement is slow and painful.
• Limping
• Loose and baggy clothes
• Sunglasses indoors
• Noticeable pain around ribs and midsection
• Difficulty sitting and rising from chairs

Keep in mind that someone could have fallen or tripped and hurt themselves. Any one of these signs can be legitimate. However, if you have direct knowledge of someone involved in a toxic and abusive relationship, keep an eye out for suspicious activity.

Emotional abuse leaves internal scars, but specific characteristics and behaviors are shared among the victims.

• Mood swings
• Cancels activities
• Low self-esteem
• Constant fear
• Anxiety
• Increased drinking or drug use
• Social isolation
• Suicidal thoughts
• Depression

There are other behaviors associated with emotional abuse. Some are subtle and hard to detect. Remember, someone who’s being abused rarely asks for help or admits to their torment, primarily due to embarrassment and shame. Part of the suffering includes being blamed for causing the abuse, so family members are reluctant to speak out.

It’s essential to be aware of these characteristics to recognize the abuse. Whether for yourself or someone you care about, the next step for dealing with an abusive alcoholic is to devise a plan of action

A Plan of Action

Situations vary from case to case, but having a plan to deal with an abusive alcoholic is critical for you, your loved ones, and the offender.

Remember, it’s common knowledge that the disease controls an alcoholic, and they’re not themselves when they abuse family members. But that doesn’t give them a green light to hurt people. They are the abusers, not you. You never asked for this to happen to you, so it needs to stop, one way or another.

Disclaimer: Abuse is a serious matter, not to be taken lightly. I offer advice on how to handle an alcoholic abuser because I’ve been through it. I speak from first-hand knowledge. I’ve personally seen what works and what doesn’t.

That being said, be highly cautious who you ask for advice. Friends and family may mean well, but unless they are professionals or have experience with these matters, they’re not qualified to help you. There is no substitute for professional help. Please, if your situation is out of control, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799–7233.

Situation and Actions

1. Physical Abuse

A. Leave:

Especially if children are involved. Remember, alcoholic abuse is all about control and intimidation. You will never be free if you stay. There is no going back. Possessions can be replaced, but lives can’t be.

You may need to go to the police for a temporary restraining order. If you have a family member or friend you trust, leave them with a “Go” bag. A go bag is a backpack or piece of luggage where you can stash clothes, medication, cash, and clothing and leave with someone for quick escapes when violence occurs or is imminent.

2. Verbal and Emotional Abuse

A. Family Intervention

I’ve been a part of interventions that have worked and others that went off the rails. What most people get wrong about interventions is they feel it’s about blame, finger-pointing, and accountability. It’s not. Intervention is about love and understanding. Its sole purpose is for the alcoholic to get help with a disease that’s destroying their life and those who surround them.

Interventions should include every family member and come from a place of concern and goodwill. Never attempt serious conversations when the alcoholic has been drinking. Try to schedule when they are mostly sober.

The critical component of an intervention is a structured plan. If in-house rehab is necessary, be prepared to act immediately. If rehab is not needed, gather pamphlets and literature from AA and locate local open meetings where the abuser can attend.

The intervention has a 50/50 chance of working. The alcoholic will surely be in denial and could become combative. They may also ramble on, telling stories from their past or mentioning unrelated topics. Let them talk. Your job is to listen and offer help. You want them to know that you love them, alcohol is destroying their life, ruining the family, and you’ll support them any way you can.

B. Counseling/Professional Intervention:

If you have a Human Resources department at work, utilize their services. They don’t just process payroll and schedule vacation time. The staff has been trained to deal with family issues, and they’ll have the resources and programs to offer so you can focus on a resolution.

Talk to a recommended Counselor for their insights and advice on family interventions. You’re guaranteed to be asked tough questions. Provide honest answers no matter how personal or embarrassing.

Intervention final thoughts

Before any attempts at intervention, gather your thoughts. Take a pause and focus on the plan, not the outcome. Ensure you have the resources, information, literature, and materials to strengthen your efforts. Winging it will not work. Preparation is essential. Alcoholics need structure.

What not to do

I can tell you with confidence that specific measures will not work. Make poor decisions, and the situation could worsen. Nobody wants that.

Here are some mistakes you should avoid:

• Inviting the wrong people to the intervention

This is a family matter. Unless the alcoholic has no family members, select a few close friends who can be trusted to be discreet and only want what’s best for their friend. By ”friends,” I mean sober friends, no drinking buddies!

No authoritative or overly opinionative headstrong family members. You don’t want anyone who will jeopardize your attempts. Remember, an intervention has no time limit. The process could take hours. Impatient attendees may like to speed things up and offer ultimatums, a recipe for disaster.

• Drinking

Yup. That means you! Abstain from drinking or going out with friends for a night on the town. There’ll be plenty of time for that when the situation changes. Alcohol is toxic and will cloud your mind and thoughts. You need complete focus and sobriety if you want success.

Besides, why should the abuser quit drinking if you continue? You’re already stressed and anxious, and alcohol will only worsen the situation.

• Arguing

Fighting and arguing is pointless. There is no winner, only a vicious cycle of the same old routine in a different wrapper. Arguing is an alcoholic’s favorite bait. What better excuse to continue drinking?

• Naivety

“It won’t happen again, I’m sorry” and “I didn’t mean it” are weak excuses. Don’t fall for the compassionate apology or empty promises. If an alcoholic is abusive, they’re already past the point of no return. Remember, if they have to apologize for their drinking behavior, they shouldn’t be drinking.

• Cover up

Do not enable addictive behaviors. It’s imperative to not financially support their addiction, clean up their mess, and provide comfort and unconditional support for their abuse.

Enabling is the best way to eliminate the possibility of the alcoholic asking for help. At some point in their life, they will hit what is referred to as rock bottom. It’s the point where they can go no lower, have a moment of clarity, and finally ask for help.

We call this tough love. Sometimes, you must watch the sinking ship slip beneath the waves instead of rearranging the deck chairs. Enabling it will only prolong the abuse. There is no chance of recovery if their mess is constantly cleaned for them. The only lesson learned is they can get away with it.

• Not helping yourself

I cannot stress this enough. Self-care is essential during these emotional times. Physical and mental health should be a priority. You have no control over the alcoholic, but you do control yourself. Exercise, eat healthily, take long walks, and join support groups. Lean heavily on your network to help get you through rough spells.

The alcoholic may take notice of your efforts to help yourself and could have a change of heart. But, if you’re in a controlling and manipulative relationship, all the more reason to remove yourself from the abusive environment and work on yourself.

• Take control

It’s tempting to want to “take the bull by the horns” and reign in the abuser. Many partners assume applying pressure and reaching out to their partners’ work will provide a “wake-up call” and speed up the sobriety process. Don’t; It will fail and make things worse.

Remember, what you’re experiencing is the collateral damage of their illness. They must want sobriety. Your focus should be on the well-being of you and the family.

• The guilt trip

If an alcoholic’s illness is so severe that abuse has become routine, what makes you think trying to make them feel guilty for their actions will work? Besides, using the family or children as a reason for them to change is a big mistake. Doing so will create triggers for continued drinking and abuse when efforts fail.

The critical component of sobriety is acceptance and accountability. Only the abuser must want to stop and change. It must come from within.

• Expect results

Despite your best efforts, seamless planning, and positive thinking, the abuse may continue. You have no control over what the alcoholic will do. It’s a harsh reality but one you should prepare for.

The qualifier

My father was an abusive alcoholic, both physical and verbal. It was challenging to raise eight children, so corporal punishment was routine. For whatever reason, I was the subject of his worst torments.

Physical abuse was common. However, verbal was his go-to method of abuse, and he was a skilled master. I won’t bore you with specifics, but the things he said to me were so ugly they would make you shake your head and cringe.

I’ve witnessed many interventions on my father’s behalf, and most failed. The ones that did work resulted in stints at rehab, but eventually, he went back to drinking. It was only after he was caught drinking on the job and forced into rehab that it worked. He was sober for fifteen years.

On the day of his retirement, he cracked open a beer and never stopped drinking. During this time, I moved into my parents because of a divorce I was going through. It was like old times again. The abuse picked up where it left off. It was like going back in time to a familiar hell. This time, my mother was fed up and had him removed from the home.

Just before Christmas of that year, my brother and I visited my aunt and uncle (my dad’s brother), who was very sick. He talked about growing up in Boston. The conversation turned to my father. He said there was no abuse in their family. No one was beaten or mistreated. My uncle could not understand why my father was so abusive, especially to me.

I was told that during childhood, my abuse was so bad that the family called on a priest to talk to my father and remedy the situation. This was a revelation to me. I didn’t remember the priest part. No matter because it didn’t work.

I’m not telling you this, so you feel bad for me. The point of this story is to inform you that sometimes abuse happens for no reason. But at some point, alcohol causes so much damage brain function is impaired. The alcoholic’s perception of reality is altered, and they become obtuse to the abuse.

My father was beyond help. He didn’t want it, and we could no longer offer it. He never recovered. The plan didn’t fail; my father did. The proof is in Couch Memorial Cemetery, Lot 3, Section 3, Grave 231

You can read more about why my father failed here.

A new outlook

Believe it or not, there’s life after abuse.

You can find wellness and happiness if you change your perspective.

In the beginning, I stated you don’t choose your family. This is true. But you can decide how and if you’ll interact with them. It may be a tough decision, but here’s the thing: you’re already a victim of abuse. It’s time to become a survivor.

You didn’t choose the abuse, but you lived through it. Why would you let it dictate your life? Do you think it’s fair that your suffering should continue for the sake of the family?

My father was an abusive alcoholic. He was never a father; he was a provider. A real father would never harm his son. So, why should I continue to be one? His abuse released me from any obligation as a son.

You must do the same. There is no reason to accept abuse simply for the sake of saying you have a mother, father, husband, or whatever. Why should you continue to hold onto baggage while the abuser walks away?

Victims live with their torments and allow them to ruin their lives.

Survivors have fought through their torments and improved their lives.

Remember, the abuser has the responsibility of making changes and repairing the damage they’ve caused. They are the ones who should seek forgiveness, not you.

It may never come, but that’s okay. Work on becoming the best version of yourself, and one day, things could change.

I’ll leave you with this thought. For my mental health and sanity, I had to let my father go. During his fifteen years of sobriety, he never made amends for his abuse. I never spoke to him again. But that’s okay. I forgive him because his abuse led me to write the stories that help you.

I found meaning from years of abuse.

I became a survivor.

How about you?

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