Alcoholism Killed My Dad

Why AA Didn’t Work for Him

This story is ugly. But it will help someone. At least, I hope it does.

To be clear, this is my perspective, not my siblings. I was the one who, besides my mother, was around my father for the longest time, and I witnessed and experienced the brunt of his addiction the most.

I edited much of the backstory and history of my father’s disease. If I get enough requests in the comments, I’ll publish it.

My promise is simple. I will give you an honest opinion and provide information about what Alcoholics Anonymous is, what it stands for, and what you can expect if you attend.

I have no horse in this race. I don’t go around bragging about AA, and I don’t get compensated in any way. I write this story for one purpose: to inform. Readers can make up their minds by themselves. At a minimum, respect my sincerity.

Meet the dad

My father, Joe, was born and raised in Boston. A few years after graduation, he enlisted in the army. He became an MP (Military Policeman) during the Korean War.

Joe was a hard-working son of a gun. He commuted daily to work in Boston (35 miles) for over 40 years. Traffic was always a nightmare, which made him angry and stressed. Add eight kids to the mix, and you can understand part of why he drank.

The Early Drinking Years

As far back as I can remember, my dad drank. His flavor was a shot of whiskey with a beer chaser (Boilermaker) or a Highball (whiskey without a mixer, for him). Joe was a heavy drinker. He got drunk every night.

My mother complained daily about Dad’s drinking. Sometimes, it worked, and he’d cut back, but most of the time, it got worse.

Momentum

The ’70s were extremely rough years. My father’s drinking was worse than ever. He had a couple of stints in rehab, but they always failed to produce long-term results. After returning from treatment, he started hiding his liquor.

My mother forced him to enter Rehab.

Sanctuary

As part of his treatment, my father was introduced to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). After rehab, he participated occasionally but always returned to the booze.

The bright side was when my mother learned about Al-Anon, which is a dedicated support platform for the spouse of an alcoholic. It helps partners cope and deal with life alongside an alcoholic.

Better still was me and my sister participating in Alateen. It became our sanctuary.

Both groups were designed for members to share their experiences, strengths, and hopes with each other to cope with their situation. It also provided much-needed counseling, advice, and inspiration for attendees.

Alateen is where I learned about alcoholism as a disease, not a choice. I discovered that we were not the problem or the reason why my father drank. I learned to accept my emotions, deal with my feelings, and reach for help. It changed my life.

I no longer felt like I was alone.

At Last?

My father’s drinking finally got the best of him.

Sometime in the mid-’70s, he was caught drinking at work. He nearly lost his job and his pension. Joe was given an ultimatum: go to rehab or find another job. He gave in. My dad had an extended stay at an inpatient facility and was separated from the family for a while.

I was thrilled. Never had I felt so relaxed and free.

When he returned home, my father was a different man. He went to AA meetings regularly, stayed sober, and got his life back. Everything got better.

At AA, my dad volunteered to be the guy who set up the hall for meetings. He would move tables, arrange seating, and set up the coffee and condiments. After the meetings, he would break down everything, clean up, and return the hall to its original condition. You could always depend on Joe.

He was sober for about 15 years.

However, upon retirement, my father opened a beer. As you can guess, the drinking got progressively worse. Joe went back to being the old Joe.

The Tortured Soul

Alcoholism is a brutal and vicious disease. It shows no mercy to the afflicted. Only those who witness and experience the torment and collateral damage alcoholism causes can fully understand its toll.

No one understood torment more than my mother, Sylvia. I‘ll spare you the details. Again, if enough readers want more, comment, and I’ll publish the backstory. It’s safe to say it was a nightmare.

Writing this story is not easy. I’m telling you this to make a point. Alcohol f**ked up my father so bad he tortured the women he loved and the mother of his eight children. And she sat there and took it. My dad was the only man she ever loved, and she stood by him through 40 years of off-and-on torment.

One Last Shot

I got help for my disease after a divorce. Part of my treatment involved describing my home life. I explained my father’s situation, and the counselor suggested a family intervention. I remembered the first attempt many years ago and knew what needed to be done.

The intervention was suggested to come from a place of love and understanding, not anger and resentment. My father needed help, and our job was to ensure he got it. I explained the plan to my family, and we scheduled the event.

I won’t give you all the details, but the intervention went off the rails. Someone took it upon themselves to try a different approach, failing miserably. I’ll tell that story as soon as I work out my feelings about that night. Regardless, Dad’s drinking continued along with the torment.

The Best Laid Plans

My mother had enough. She decided to remove my father from the home.

We went to the police station, got a temporary restraining order, and waited as the papers were served.

The police told us my father had already packed when they arrived to serve the papers. All his clothes and tools were packed and in the trunk of his car. He knew what was coming. This will make sense In a moment.

Mythbusters

First, let’s dispel the bulls**t floating around. I get a ton of comments about AA being a “cult” and they have a low success rate. Many people say you’re better off trying to quit drinking cold turkey. I get it. If that works for you, then go for it. However, it would be best if you heard the facts first.

Secondly, I’m not writing this to promote AA as a solution for sobriety solely. There are many available options to choose from. Everyone must narrow down the list and opt for the best available program.

The problem I have is the stuff I read from people who believe their opinion is the opinion regarding AA. Most of the negative comments start with “I heard.” Your opinions are less qualified if you’ve never attended AA. If you’ve been to an AA meeting and it sucked, you were at the wrong meeting. I’ve been to AA, and I know countless people who have gone and got sober.

To help you understand, let me tell you what AA is.

AA is a Start

That’s it. AA is a starting point. The number one reason people can’t stop drinking is because they never take that first step. Admitting to a problem is a tough pill to swallow. It takes a lot of guts to fess up. No one takes a step towards sobriety until they admit they have a drinking problem and possess the desire to stop. Alcoholics refer to this as a “moment of clarity.”

AA is free, located in most communities, and the fastest way to start sobriety. Listening to bogus advice and negative comments is dangerous. Alcoholics don’t need to add any more excuses as to why they never stop drinking.

If you’ve never experienced AA firsthand, what makes you think your advice is better than those who have joined and achieved success?

AA is Religious?

Incorrect. Just because the AA Serenity prayer includes the word “God” doesn’t mean the group is religious. The premise behind the success of AA is for members to surrender themselves to a “higher power.” Your higher power can be anything you want it to be. Heck, call your higher power a ham sandwich. The purpose is to admit you have no control over your illness. Place your trust in something greater than yourself.

When we surrender, the fight to cover up our addiction is over, but the battle for sobriety is just beginning. — Me.

For context, have you ever used the phrase “oh my god” or “Jesus Christ?” If so, does that mean you’re religious?

AA has a 12-step program. It’s not mandatory to participate. However, alcoholics who have caused severe damage to lives and relationships use the program to further their sobriety through acceptance, accountability, and forgiveness.

A majority of AA meetings are held in church halls. Why? Have you ever rented a hall? Pretty expensive, right? Churches don’t charge for the use of their halls. Charitable donations help pay for the utilities — a small sacrifice for sobriety.

In summary of this section, AA is not a religion. Many members often turn to religion in their sobriety because they put their faith into something they feel is the answer for them. Spiritual awakening is one of several revelations an alcoholic can experience. All the power to them. If religion keeps them sober, who are we to turn our noses up at the group that helped them?

One for All?

AA offers different meetings for members that coincide with sobriety levels, which makes sense; someone with ten years of sobriety may not gain a helpful perspective from a meeting for newcomers.

Open Meetings: Open to anyone struggling with alcohol addiction or the general public. These meetings are best suited for open discussion and sharing. It’s not uncommon for members to invite family, friends, and co-workers for added inspiration.

Closed Meetings: Closed to the general public. These are member-only meetings, providing more anonymity for attendees.

Beginner Meetings: Geared towards those seeking initial help with their addiction. Beginner meetings also establish a support network and a sense of community and help newcomers acclimate to the group.

12-Step Meetings: Specifically designated for members following the 12-step program. Created by the founders of AA in the 1940s, they designed a plan of 12 specific actions that helped them recover and abstain from alcohol. These “actions” can be done in any particular order, and meetings can focus on one or multiple steps.

Big Book Study Meetings: The Story of How More Than One Hundred Men Have Recovered from Alcoholism was written in 1939 by one of the founders of AA and is referred to as The Big Book. Meetings focus on book discussions and center on individual chapters for structured recovery.

Other Meeting Types

You can read more information about these meetings here.

Why AA Didn’t Work for My Dad

If you’re thinking AA failed him, you’re wrong. AA didn’t fail my father: My father failed AA.

I touched on this in another story:

The Alcoholics Guide to Quitting

or how to unf*ck your life and get sober

medium.com

I’ve said it many times. Alcoholics are some of the most intelligent people on the planet. They know how to live with and hide their addictions. If they want to drink, they’ll find a way.

My father had a plan. From the moment he returned from rehab and got sober, he knew what his future would be. He waited until he retired and had no accountability for his job to start drinking again.

The reason my father failed AA was because he didn’t participate. Sure, he set up the meetings, made the coffee, and cleaned up, but that’s not participation.

He never shared his story. My father never released his pain, became vulnerable, and accepted his illness. Lack of acceptance translates to denial. The whole point behind AA is admitting your problem and sharing with a group experiencing the same affliction as you.

If sobriety was simple, people could just read a book about it and quit drinking. Whether you join AA, attend private therapy or worship ham sandwiches doesn’t matter. How do you expect to get sober if you never admit you have a problem?

Final Thoughts

My father died a horrible death. His liver was so damaged that his skin and eyes turned yellow. His limited activities led to bed sores and cysts. One day, he was driving to Boston from his condo in Florida, and his car went off the road. The police thought he was drunk, so they arrested him.

The fact was he was sober. At this stage, he could no longer tolerate alcohol. His liver was so damaged that instead of breaking down alcohol, it was producing acetate. A highly toxic chemical. His blood became poison.

My father slipped into a coma and never recovered. Family members flew south, went to the hospital, and removed him from life support. He was 65 years old.

AA is a choice like any other. If you want to get help, ask for it. Do your research and make decisions based on what works for you. Listen to advice with a grain of salt.

I speak from experience, not ignorance. Whatever the choice, I applaud your efforts.

Alcoholism can be defeated. Death can’t be.

You can read about recovery options here. Or a list of AA meetings here.

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