The Alcoholics Guide to Quitting
or how to unf*ck your life and get sober
First, let me qualify myself. I write from experience.
If you shake my family tree, a thousand Irish alcoholics would fall off while singing “The Rising of The Moon.”
I’m the son of an alcoholic father and brother to alcoholic siblings. My sister and I were one of the very first participants in Alateen, a support group for the children of an alcoholic parent. My mother attended Alanon meetings regularly.
Full disclosure, throughout my entire young adult life, I struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. I can say, with confidence, I’ve spilled more alcohol than you’ve consumed in your entire life.
I was a real sh*thead. Fun to be around, but still a sh*thead.
Why am I telling you this? Because I know my experience can help someone.
Cutting through the noise
There’s too much crap on the internet.
Everybody’s a self-help guru, mindfulness mentor, productivity persona, and life coach. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of these people are great at what they do and provide a valuable service. But there are a lot of wannabes as well.
I’ve been writing on Medium for a while, and I see how stories trend. What Medium needs is more stories from people suffering from the throes of addiction. Writing is a form of therapy, and an opportunity to share and release some of the pain bottled up inside. This is important, and I’ll tell you why shortly.
I’m no Guru, but what I offer is sensible advice based on an ocean of real-life experience.
I won’t tell you what you want to hear, I’ll tell you what you need to hear.
Let Me Tell You About You
I know who you are.
Functioning Alcoholics are some of the smartest people on the planet. Why? Because they know how to manipulate, hide, and masquerade their addiction. It’s hard to spot an Alcoholic.
On the outside, they’re outgoing and energetic and have a personality that can sell ice to an Eskimo.
On the inside, they’re fighting a losing battle. I know because I’ve been there, and I know how and what you’re thinking.
Alcohol (or drug of choice) never leaves your thoughts. It’s always there. Your entire schedule evolves around alcohol. You’re thinking;
- When to drink (during work breaks or at night)
- When to buy and how much
- Where to buy it (and avoid being seen by co-workers or family)
- Where to hide it
- Always carrying breath mints and air fresheners
The only ones you can’t fool are the ones that have experienced the same issues. No matter how smart you think you are, they’ve seen it all.
A Foolish Man Builds on Sand
Every home needs a good foundation. Build on crappy ground, and the structure will fail.
There are two elements of a good foundation an Alcoholic needs to quit drinking; Structure and Support.
Now before you roll your eyes and get all defensive, let me explain. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is not a cult or a religious group. They do have the “Serenity Prayer” in their program, but it’s more of a way to surrender to whatever higher power you put faith in. It’s part of the healing process.
AA is a critical factor in becoming sober. Why? Because it’s the foundation of structure and support for addicted people. If you think you can quit drinking or using alone, you’re wrong. I’ll tell you why.
There are people in this world who suffer the same as you. In fact, many suffer way worse than you. AA is a place to share and connect with a group that’s going through similar difficulties. It’s also a place where you’ll never be shamed or looked down upon.
The best part of AA is the support network it provides. No one’s going to tell you what you can or can’t do, but they’ll always offer a helping hand.
Remember, no one could possibly understand what you’re going through if they’ve never experienced addiction themselves. AA provides the best foundation and structure for recovery because it’s where you’ll find the only ones who get it.
Plus, it’s crucial for you to hear success stories so you can be inspired and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Old Habits…Must Die
One of my favorite quotes;
“If you hang around a barbershop long enough, you’re bound to get a hair cut.”
Drinking and using become “muscle memory” actions. Do them long enough, and they become a part of your routine. If you’ve ever tried to quit smoking, you know what I’m talking about. For me, the hardest part of quitting smoking was the mornings. It was tough to drink my coffee without a cigarette. But I did it.
Part of addiction is routine. Dinner and drinks, parties, sporting events, fantasy leagues, and gatherings almost always include alcohol. It’s hard to name any event not associated with drinking. Routines must be broken.
You must train your brain to break the connections you have to alcohol. Some of these choices will be tough but necessary until you’re well into sobriety.
Here are a few suggestions;
- If you take a particular route that takes you past the places you drink, change the route.
- If you smoke, don’t buy cigarettes from a liquor store.
- Remove yourself from groups or activities associated with alcohol.
- Skip dinners where alcohol is served.
- Avoid celebrations and parties surrounded by alcohol.
- Don’t start new relationships and romances.
- Ask partners (and family) to stop drinking in front of you.
- Request no alcohol be served at family gatherings (for now).
- Don’t drink non-alcoholic beverages. They are dangerous and keep you in the drinking mindset.
- Don’t replace one addiction with another (Alcoholics have addictive personalities, so it’s essential to break the addiction “muscle memory.”)
Remember, these are not forever changes. They’re the initial steps that keep you away from alcohol and lead you down the path to sobriety.
All of the items from the list are “triggers” that can lead to continued drinking. If they care about you, your friends and family will understand. If they don’t, then make new friends. Anyone who encourages you to drink must be avoided initially. Even if it’s a family member. If they aren’t part of the solution, they’re part of the problem.
Instead, try these suggestions:
- Exercise. It’s a great way to get healthy and work out frustrations
- Go to bed earlier (better sleep habits are good for overall health)
- Take up a hobby (attend a cooking class or learn a craft)
- Puzzles; Working on puzzles helps mental stability and improves memory.
- Get outside. Take long walks, hike trails, or bike in nature (Unless you’re tackled by a Black Bear with a 6-pack, it’s virtually impossible to find alcohol served on a mountain trail).
Chew gum (sugar-free), listen to music, and keep occupied. Start a journal and write down your feelings. Anything to productively fill your time and take the focus away from your addiction will help you get sober.
Love, Actually No!
More good news.
Never start a new relationship if you’re in recovery. It’s the biggest mistake of all. They are the number one triggers for relapse.
Relationships are hard enough; throw addiction into the mix, and sparks will fly. But here’s the thing, you can’t be a good partner until you’re a better you. In fact, you can’t be a good anything until you’re in sobriety.
You may not want to hear this, but it’s a possibility your relationship could fail. Unfortunately, part of getting sober is repairing relationships and dealing with the collateral damage. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. Hopefully, your partner will stick by you through the process.
Not being in a relationship will not kill you. The drugs and alcohol will take care of that. Focus on your sobriety. Trust me, the end result will be a happier and healthier you and a much better partner to be around.
Work It Out
Everybody has a unique situation with work, so I’ll present you with two scenarios.
Scenario 1: Your work situation is not affected by your addiction.
If this is the case, that’s great. There’s no need to divulge any information about your disease unless you need “in-house” treatment. Many company Human Resources departments have staff trained to deal with these situations and are discreet should the need arise.
Scenario 2: Work knows you have an addiction, and it affects your job.
There are no guarantees in life. Your work may be understanding or not. but that’s not important. Being sober is more important than a job. Remember, you can’t be a good employee until you’re a better worker. Still, your company should also have access to programs and resources to help you. Take advantage of anything to help with your sobriety. Structure is critical.
Please, Jump In
One more thing to discuss; participation.
For the love of God, please participate in AA. It’s not enough to simply attend. Get involved.
I’ll give you something to chew on to emphasize my point.
My father was a hard-working son of a gun. He raised eight kids on one paycheck. We were well-fed, had clothes on our backs, and never went without. Sure, we never went to Disney or took family vacations, but we had a good upbringing. My parents did the best they could do.
Dad was a drinker. Oh boy, was he a heavy drinker. Think of a situation involving an alcoholic, and my father (and family) went through it. I remember when I was younger, watching him stumble in the yard, lifting up flagstones where he had stashed bottles of whiskey. He hid them all over the house.
Alcohol affected his home life and, eventually, his job. After getting caught drinking on the job, he went into treatment and got sober. It took a few stints in rehab, but finally, it worked. Or so we thought.
My father went to AA and was sober for fifteen years. He never missed a meeting. He was the guy who made the coffee, set up the chairs, and cleaned up after every meeting. He volunteered to give rides and help new attendees down on their luck. Overall a dependable guy.
However, even though my father was at the meetings, he never participated. He never shared or told his story to anyone. Not even us. He never understood the real reason he was in AA, to heal. Telling his story would have released his pain. He could have surrendered himself to his higher power and realized he wasn’t in control; the alcohol was.
On the day my father retired, he cracked open a beer. He never stopped. He had a plan, and he stuck to it. You see, in his drunken condition, he blurted out that he didn’t have to answer to anyone again. He was his own boss and wanted to drink.
A few years later, after my mother removed him from the home, he was very sick from the alcohol. His doctor told him if he stopped drinking, he’d live another ten years. He chose to drink. Eventually, his liver could no longer filter his blood and one day, he slipped into a coma and died. He was 67 years old.
The Last Thing You Need to Hear (But don’t want to)
Reality check time.
Like I said at the beginning, I may not tell you what you want to hear, but I’ll tell you what you need to hear. Here it is.
Sh*t may get worse before it gets better. Sorry, but it’s true.
If you’re lucky enough to have an easy time getting sober, it would be a blessing. The truth is most people fail because they’re surrounded by drugs and alcohol. It’s too easy to get and normalized in society.
Alcoholism is a deadly and nasty disease. Here’s another hard fact; one alcoholic affects ten people. It’s true. Think about it. Between home life, friends, family, and work, ten people or more are affected by one alcoholic. It’s time to put a stop to the vicious cycle of addiction.
Don’t be swayed. It’s time to unf*ck your life and start over.
It won’t be easy. Remember, addiction is the mess, and sobriety is the clean-up.
I don’t have to tell you what the alternative is.
Just ask my father.
click the link to find a meeting near you: https://www.aa.org/find-aa
Other choices here: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
I hope this helps at least one person. I’ve got a whole bunch of more stories to tell. Let me know if you’d like to hear more.
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