Life Starts When You Stop Pretending Like Everything Is OK

Stop Saying “I’m Fine” When You Know You’re Not

According to Benjamin Franklin, “Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75.”

All he was saying is many people go through life without truly experiencing the full greatness of it.

One of the reasons is that too many people like to act like everything is OK when it’s not.

They like to pretend everything is all good.

But the facade of trying to cope comes at a price…

Each time you say “I’m fine” when you’re truly not, you deny yourself of your true feelings.

While it may shield you from pain in the short term, it’s a terrible strategy for living life to the fullest in the long run.

The longer you avoid expressing yourself and having those awkward conversations, the more deep-rooted the thorn gets.

This hampers your ability to experience the greatness of life.

To reverse the effects, you must learn to acknowledge your reality.

Notice when you’re not okay, and understand it’s okay not to be okay.

Learn to express your true thoughts and feelings.

Life starts when you stop pretending like everything is OK.

Dealing with childhood issues

The other day, I got into a confrontation with my mum…

She’s come to visit me in Ghana, but brought something that annoyed me so much back when I lived at home.

Her phone.

My mum could talk on the phone for hours — it doesn’t matter where she is.

The first thing she done when I picked her up from the airport was get in my car then get on the phone.

This pattern continued for 2/3 days; Every time I saw her, she was on the phone.

One day, I had enough — “What’s the point of visiting me if you’re always on the phone?” I said to her before walking off.

When I got into my room, I opened my journal and started to write…

Why does this bother me so much?

At first, I brushed it off as “Maybe I’m a needy child,” but then I backtracked.

I’ve been doing everything by myself for ages.

I started walking to school alone with my older brother when I was 4 and he was 8.

That’s when it hit me — “I feel like I’ve been abandoned by my parents for a long time. Dad’s always sleeping when he comes home from work, and Mum is always on the phone,” I wrote.

I let it sink in for a while, then I went back to my Mum and apologized for lashing out. I then explained to her how I felt:

“Mum, I’m not bothered by you being on the phone. I got annoyed because I feel like, throughout the course of my life, you and Dad haven’t shown up for me. That’s not to say you’re bad parents — anytime I needed something, you provided — but I would’ve much rather you were there physically.

The outburst was just a result of how I’ve been feeling for years — it’s even part of the reason I was so eager to move out. I’ve just always felt like, ‘What’s the point of being here if my parents don’t pay attention to me anyways?’ Again, I’m not trying to say you’re a bad parent. This is just how I’ve felt.”

My Mum took everything I said in, and when I finished, she responded, “I’m shocked you’re saying all of this… I’ve always thought you’re just an independent person who likes your own space. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

This question stomped me.

Why the f*%k didn’t I tell her, or my dad, how I felt?

I said the first thing that came to my mind — “I was scared.”

When she asked, “Scared of what,” I responded, “I don’t know.”

Back to the journal to think…

We often pretend to be fine to avoid conflict.

We’re well aware that sharing our true thoughts and feelings may cause tensions to flare, and for the most part, we don’t want the confrontation.

To shield ourselves from painful feelings, we say, “I’m fine.”

To further add, many of us grew up in environments where we weren’t encouraged to express our feelings.

I remember when my Dad would discipline me for being naughty, I’d start crying, and he’d say, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Again, he’s not a bad parent; this was just the norm for the culture he was raised in.

But this culture often led to my feelings being ignored or my emotions being dismissed.

When I realized my feelings wouldn’t be acknowledged, I learned to deal with them by suppressing them.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably suppressed your true thoughts and emotions for so long that you’re probably not even aware of them.

“I’m fine” has become your default response because you genuinely don’t know how you feel.

Pent-up emotions must be released, or else…

The problem with claiming to be fine when deep down you’re not is you’re denying your true feelings.

This doesn’t allow you to experience life to the fullest.

You’re running away from reality — like I did when I left home.

The worst thing about it all is denying your emotions doesn’t make them go away.

A study from the University of Texas found that by not acknowledging your emotions, you make them stronger.

For example, let’s say you have a spouse who constantly disrespects you, but you refrain from establishing a boundary and put up with it to ensure the kids grow up with both parents…

You may be able to bear the brunt and suppress your emotions towards your spouse, but this energy has to be released somehow.

So one day, you’re driving…

A car cuts in front of you, and you go batshit crazy!

In the moment, it may seem merited, but if you took a minute to think about it, you’d realize your reaction was unnecessary.

All that’s happening is you’re releasing the pent-up emotions you’ve failed to express.

It also doesn’t help that methods used to suppress and numb these emotions are detrimental to your health (e.g., excessive eating, alcohol, drugs, and other compulsive behaviors).

In other words, pretending to be okay is a form of self-harm.

The same phenomenon that makes accountability buddies effective is the same one that causes so much pain…

Namely, we would rather let ourselves down than someone else.

In trying to convince others everything is okay when it’s truly not, we uplift their spirits at the expense of our own.

You’re just pretending because you’re afraid of the shame, embarrassment, conflict, and judgment that might come if people knew the truth.

How to stop pretending to be OK

The first step toward change is awareness.

The second step is acceptance.

You must learn to acknowledge your reality.

If I never thought over why I lashed out that day, I would’ve never got to the bottom of why mum being on the phone bothered me so much.

In other words, having a temper is not just the way you are; it’s the way you’ve accepted to be.

Once you realize your current outputs result from the inputs you’ve received and how you processed them, you’ll understand that you can alter your behavior at any time.

TLDR: start questioning why certain acts invoke a specific reaction or emotion.

This allows you to go deeper than the surface-level problem, which usually isn’t the real problem.

For example, I thought I was annoyed at my mum being on the phone, but what I was truly annoyed about was the fact I felt like my parents never showed up for me (e.g., they never came to my football matches or any extracurricular activities of the sort.).

When thinking through why you react a certain way or feel how you do, the key is to be honest with yourself.

That way, even if you’re not prepared to share your true feelings, you’ve given them the attention they need.

My preferred approach for doing this is journaling.

I name my feelings in my journal instead of pushing them away.

This helps to avoid judgment because the main goal is to be curious and understanding.

Once you’ve understood, find a safe person to be authentic with.

In the scenario that involved my mum, it was her, but when I left the religious cult, it was a journalist who was building a story against the church and agreed to speak with me off the record.

This guy listened intently and asked me super interesting questions that made me think deeply without making me feel judged.

He helped me reason that my experience wasn’t the best, but it was necessary for where I was going in life.

The most reliable suggestion to get to this point is to go to therapy or join a support group.

You need to be in an environment that acknowledges your emotional needs are valid.

This will help you to express yourself freely, which will allow you to show up as your authentic self.

The more authentic you are, the easier it is to build genuinely satisfying relationships.

As the popular adage goes, “The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships.”

Final thoughts

You must acknowledge you’re not fine to live life to the fullest.

Until you do this, you’ll constantly run away from reality.

This prevents you from embracing the present and showing up as your authentic self.

To reverse this, you must give your emotions the attention they need.

Question why you feel the way you do when something happens.

Acknowledge that it’s okay to not be okay, and when you feel this way, you must express it.

Life truly begins when you stop pretending like everything is OK.

Thanks for reading!

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