Life Lessons That Step-Parenting Taught Me
Making the choice to love and nurture when you don’t have to. Every single day.
I was destined to become a stepmother and I am great at it. I became a stepmom way before I even thought of having children of my own.
To me, stepparenting entails many things.
Sometimes it is trying to establish normalcy while only seeing the child every other day. Or being ok that anything you promote during your weekend can be forgotten when don’t see the child. It’s trying to build memories during the visits you have and it is being excited for a vacation with the child.
It is the sadness you can feel when the child misses a special occasion for which she/he should be present. But it’s also the opportunity to make special plans for the time when the child is with you and give them your undivided attention.
It’s understanding that I cannot afford to make mistakes with my stepchild the way I would with my biological children. It is choosing to love the child, despite all the obstacles that life may put in my way. It is choosing to see them as a part of my family when they are not there.
It is hoping that the little time I have with the child will leave a lasting impression, and someday they will appreciate the value I had in their life, but not necessarily expecting that to happen.
Stepparents are heroes…
I’ve learned some valuable lessons on my stepparenting journey and I am looking forward to learning many more. Here are the four most important lessons that I have learnt so far :
Sometimes The Less Said, the Better
Patience is essential in a blended family, it is very needed to help the kids settle into a new way of life. I’ve learned to use diplomacy when interacting with my stepchild.
This is probably one of the most challenging tasks for stepparents.
Sometimes being “diplomatic” may involve using simple words of appreciations. Addressing touchy subjects in a safe and positive manner. It takes practice and patience.
I have learned that many times the less said, the better. The quality of what is said matters more than just talking. Choosing the right words to use and the right time to say them is important.
Children usually tend to listen to biological parents way more, they are the authority figure. Listening to a stepparent, on the other hand, for a child is optional.
Knowing when to step back has helped me thrive in a blended family. Sometimes we have lots of information we want people to hear but it’s not always necessary or useful.
Learning to be diplomatic will make your blended family life healthier.
Love Is Always Necessary
I’ve been asked: “Is it hard to love a child that’s not your own?”
Depends.
Depending on when you became a stepparent because the love can take on various forms. If you became the stepparent to a child of a very young age, it may have been easier to develop strong affection. But past a certain age, love that grows between a stepparent and stepchildren takes some time.
This unique relationship is much like any relationship you have in life. It takes time and patience to build trust between the stepparent and child. It may be awkward in the beginning, and this may go on for years.
But when the recognition comes it is extremely gratifying. So to answer the question, “Is it hard to love a child that’s not your own,” no.
Not for me.
I’ve had my own specific journey to motherhood with my stepchild.
I didn’t carry her for nine months and excitedly prepare for her to be born, picking out baby outfits. She turns to me when she needs me and I am there for her.
It’s definitely a test of love to commit yourself to a stepchild. You realize you care so deeply about what happens to this child whom you did not birth, and it’s a lifetime achievement for a stepparent.
Take Your Time
The amount of personal growth I’ve achieved in the last years has been astonishing. I was not ready to be a parent when my stepchild came into my life. But if I was going to be with my husband then I was going to have to grow up in a big hurry.
Becoming an overnight parent was an adjustment for me, as it is for anyone. Not only that, but I had to reevaluate what was important in my life.
While I always value my independence after becoming a stepmother, I learned that you can have as much fun during a park stroll out with my family.
Becoming a stepparent taught me compassion. It has taught me the importance of honest, thoughtful, gentle communication and honouring myself and my own needs.
To value and cherish and care for me above all else. To agree only when I want to. To not give a shit what other people think of me, because their opinions of me don’t define who I am as a person.
Sometimes I wonder that if it wasn’t for this role, I would not be so proud of the woman I have become, not only in my personal life but professional too.
Everything Starts With You
My stepchild teaches me how just one member can bring positive energy to the household and overturn the mood. Humour is essential in a thriving family unit. Attitudes and emotions are very much contagious.
Being yourself and taking care of yourself at all times is an important ingredient to a healthy blended family. Don’t try to portray yourself as a perfect stepparent twenty-four hours a day.
When I first became a stepmom, I didn’t know that marriage could come first. But I’ve realized that the relationship with your spouse is the foundation of a family. You and your husband need to be each other’s refuge.
You can’t ever ignore your marriage as it is the solid rock on which the rest of your family is built. Go on date nights, hold hands, be romantic and spontaneous.
Your stepchildren already have a perfect example of a failed relationship. It’s important for you to show them what a healthy, loving, fun and passionate relationship looks like.
By prioritizing yourself, and your relationship in your blended family, you are prioritizing your stepchildren.
The greatest lesson I have learned from being a stepmom is that my stepchild is a gift. An added extra to an amazing relationship with her father.
Because I and her father will serve as an example.
My life truly began when I met her father and one of my greatest achievements was getting to know her, and helping to raise her. Knowing and loving her has made me a better person.
One step at a time.
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