Lies we learn from our narcissistic parents

Narcissistic parents damage us in a number of ways, and they implant a number of lies that follow us throughout our lives.

by: E.B. Johnson

To be raised by the narcissist to is to grow up in a world entirely removed from reality. Not everyone gets the Leave It to Beaver sense of family that they crave. Sometimes, we grow up in the hold of a narcissist who teaches us nothing but fear and emotional disconnection. If your parent was a narcissist, then it’s time for you to re-work their lies and establish an entirely new truth for yourself.

Losing the truth in childhood.

There are few times in our lives that are more important, developmentally speaking, than childhood. In our childhood, we learn how to make connections; we learn how to connect with ourselves, and we learn how to process the world around us. When these are interrupted by the chaos and emotional upset of trauma in adolescence, it leads to a serious disruption of self and happiness in adulthood.

Childhood is a time to discover our truths, but that is blocked by the lies of a narcissistic parent.

We have to spend our childhood exploring, experimenting, and discovering our truths. That’s not always possible, though, when we’re dealing with a narcissistic parent who blocks our attempts at self-discovery. When we grow up in the grips of a narcissist, our world gets built up on a foundation of lies. In order to take control of our futures and our potential, we have to strip back these lies and discover the truth of our lives for ourselves.

The lies narcissistic parents teach us.

When we are raised by a narcissist, we are filled up with a number of lies that undermine our happiness throughout adulthood. For us to get to that sense of success and joy, we have to learn how to rework these lies and undo the damage that they’ve caused.

Emotions are worthless

There is nothing more inconvenient to the narcissist than the emotions of others. It does nothing but force them to confront their own flaws, and feelings get in the way of them controlling others effectively. That’s why they often teach their children their emotions are worthless or unwanted. It has nothing to do with teaching the child “strength” and everything to do with making their own lives more comfortable and convenient.

Love must be earned

One of the biggest lies we are taught by our narcissistic parents is that love must be earned. This might be earned through good behavior, or they may encourage us to earn their love and acknowledgement through ability, competition, or over-achievement. These children grow up to strive for perfection and can also become obsessed with the idea of people-pleasing or prioritizing others over themselves.

Resentful relationships

Any relationship with a narcissist is going to come with a healthy dose of resentment and contempt. That’s because the narcissist demands obedience and that infringes (often) on our own needs and wishes. As we bow to what they command from us, we hold anger and hurt in our hearts. Contempt becomes the norm, and that leads us to settle for contempt in our adult relationships — as though we had no other choice.

Disregarding needs

The only needs that matter to the narcissist are their own, and that doesn’t change drastically when they become parents. Even when they see to the needs of their children, it has more to do with their self-image. They don’t want people to think badly of them, so they may pretend to fit the parental stereotype whenever they’re in public. Behind closed doors, though, they have no problem dismissing their child’s needs and encouraging them to dismiss them as well.

Requiring perfection

The narcissistic parent cares about their image above everything else. This being the case, they see their children as a direct reflection of themselves and their standing in the world. For that reason, they require that their children be perfect at all times. They want them to be the best and reach the highest peaks of success because they think that reflects back on their own success as a parent and a person. Their child’s happiness rarely gets considered.

Bottomless insecurity

Insecurity comes standard when you’re the child of a narcissist (Elkind, 1991). Usually, this is because the narcissistic parent creates this idea that you are never good enough, or never able to do well enough to earn their love. They may use fleeting affection or frequent dismissal to create instability. This is usually reaffirmed through neglect and an emotional disconnection that drives the child to internalize blame.

Carrying the burden

Very often, the children of narcissistic parents find themselves feeling responsible for the mistakes and the happiness of those around them (or those they love). This is not a mistake. Narcissistic parents are incapable of taking blame for their own errors, so when things go wrong they teach their children to internalize the blame they themselves refuse to take.

How to discover your own truth.

Discovering your own truth is the only way to successfully defeat the lies your narcissistic parent implanted in you. This is not an easy road to go, though, and it’s not one that should be taken lightly. To move forward, we have to break through their wall of lies, learn to set boundaries for ourselves, and separate ourselves with a clear and concise plan of action and freedom.

1. Break through the wall of lies

The first step in finding your truth is breaking through the wall of lies that has been created for you. You have to bravely face the mistruths you’ve been telling yourself all these years and get to the bottom of the beliefs that truly align with the core of who you are and what you want. It’s time to get out from beneath the shadow, but it’s a hard first step to take.

You’ve got to break through the wall of lies. Now is the time to let go of all those shadows in your past and step into the light of your authentic truth. Just because your parent said it doesn’t make it true and doesn’t make it worth honoring.

Our parents are human — just like us. They make mistakes; they have egos, and they can be selfish and mean just like we can. Admitting these things doesn’t mean you have to love them any less, it just means you’re opening your eyes and being honest about who you are and who they are. That’s how we get to the root of a real relationship, anyway. You need to face what’s really going on so that you can take effective action to fix it.

2. Give yourself a wide space

It’s impossible for anyone to figure out who they are when they are constantly dealing with the machinations of others. We need focus and energy for ourselves, but the narcissist takes this from us and keeps us from taking action in our own name. To best them and shed their lies, we have to create space for ourselves and find the time to breathe and process (Malkin, 2016).

Once you’ve opened the door on reality, give yourself a wide berth from the narcissist in your life and plenty of space to reconfigure. You need to get on your own to clear your head and gather your thoughts. This time also needs to be used in figuring out who you really are and what you really want.

Create physical and emotional distance from your parent (or the memory of them) as much as possible. Think of it like a warrior preparing themselves before battle. You need to be still and think through what’s going to come next. You need to focus on what would make you feel good, and what needs to be addressed first. Take as much time and space as you need and use that ground yourself and build that sense of strength and self-esteem.

3. Look for the patterns

As children, we’re constantly trying to absorb and make sense of the world around us. We look to the lessons, behaviors, and decisions of our parents to inform the foundations we build for ourselves. We adopt their patterns too and find comfort in those patterns in our own lives. This can lead to danger later on, though, and is a habit that we must put to rest.

Look for patterns of behavior and belief that were implanted in you by your parents. Dig deep into the lessons of your childhood, and question what you really learned. Was your parent teaching you to control your emotions? Or were they teaching you to be quiet, so they didn’t have to deal with you (or things they did to you)?

What are the repeating cycles of behavior? What beliefs come up time and time again? Identifying these patterns is absolutely critical if you still have an existing relationship with a living parent. You need to look for the ways in which manipulate you and bend you to their will. You also need to be brave enough to be honest about their intentions. Is your parent doing the best for you? Or are they trying to get the best for themselves?

4. Set boundaries for yourself

Boundaries are a crucial part of growing up, and they become doubly important when you are the adult child of a narcissist. You have to set boundaries for yourself and boundaries for your parents and those around you. Rather than getting pushed into places you don’t want to go, stop allowing yourself — and your loved ones — to go beyond the limit of your needs and expectations.

Set limits with your parents and set limits, moving forward, with every other narcissist in your life. The lies that your parents told you can be perpetuated by others if you don’t wake up to the repeating cycles. Because you are used to it from your caretakers, it becomes easier for you to accept this behavior in others.

Learn how to say no to those people who are manipulating you and be prepared for a victim’s response. Stay strong anyway. You have a right to say “no” when you are uncomfortable, and you have the right to limit access to your body and your emotions. No one else has the right to force you into a corner you don’t want to be in. Set boundaries for yourself and for those around you. Let the world know where your lines are and let them know that they will not be crossed.

5. Create a freedom plan

The hard fact of the matter is that the only way to truly release yourself from a narcissist’s lies is to create a breadth of space between you and the narcissist. If your parent is living, this means creating a freedom plan which allows you to get out on your own and foster a new and empowering independence. If your parent is no longer living, this is a matter of separating with the past and learning to live emotionally in the light of your own truths.

Now is the time for you to look forward, not backward. Once you have a better sense of who you are and what you want, start setting goals and start creating actionable steps you can take to free yourself from the clutches of your narcissist parents and the lies they taught you about life and love.

Know that this journey will not be easy, but know that you also don’t have to undergo it alone. Get professional help and emotional support from your friends and family; the people you trust most in your circle. Start with small steps that build your confidence in self and lean into your cosmic right to be happy and fulfilled in whatever way matters most to you. Build a freedom plan that allows you to step out into the world and create a rewarding life you choose.

Putting it all together…

When we are raised by narcissists, they hand us a number of lies that can undermine the quality of our adult lives. In order to build happier and healthier partnerships and success, we have to rid ourselves of these lies by admitting how they impact us. Then we have to take mindful action to ensure we rediscover our own truths and manifest a future that’s worth living for.

Break through the wall of lies and give yourself permission to discover your deeper truths. What you want matters, and your feelings matter too. You deserve to be happy. Give yourself some space and some time to get clear on who you are and what you really want for you. Look for the patterns that have been implanted in you, and the patterns of narcissism that you see in others. Your parents have taught you to settle for those who will use you for your own gain. Get rid of their lies and set boundaries for yourself. Don’t allow anyone else to cross your lines or tell you who or what to be. Create a freedom plan and take actionable steps that can empower you to get free of your past and the narcissists that linger in the shadows and the lies you tell yourself every day.

• Elkind, D. (1991). Instrumental narcissism in parents — ProQuest. Retrieved 6 February 2021, from https://search.proquest.com/openview/e6add1c5a26c1a3dbafe8d4df1765305/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=1818298
• Malkin, Craig. Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. New York: Harper Perennial, 2016.