FROM MY LIFE

Lies of Past Times

A lie always comes back to haunt you, or those you ‘harmed’

In The firstborn child, I mentioned my daughter’s search for her biological father. Throughout her life, I have made clear she has my support in searching for him. I help when she asks, mostly keeping to my square on the chessboard of life.

A short history

When I realized I was pregnant, obviously we had to tell my parents. He — my boyfriend of eighteen years old — was going to do it, but got cold feet, so I told them. My father was furious, and however disappointed my mother was, she protected me from my father.

At first, my father wanted me to have an illegal abortion, which could’ve cost me my life. My mom refused. Then they wanted me to have my child adopted. I refused. Next, they wanted to adopt my daughter. I refused again.

In the process of falling pregnant (no, it wasn’t an accident) I spoke about marriage to my then-boyfriend, but when I found out I was actually pregnant, clarity struck me, and I refused marriage. My parents received a letter from his lawyer, where he offered to marry me. I said I didn’t want to, but that he could always be a part of his child’s life, and if we were meant for each other, we could still get married.

I didn’t want him to force me, or to be forced by circumstances.

Then he disappeared.

Reading the letters

When my daughter started her quest to find her biological father (halfway through 2020), she asked if I still had the papers I once mentioned. Those papers included receipts from doctor visits during my pregnancy, but also copies of letters to and from his lawyers.

I had never read those letters before. After all, I had lived those circumstances.

My daughter read every one of them, looking for facts she could feed the agency she had paid to search on her behalf. One day, she called me.

“Mom, have you read the letters?” “No, why?” “I think you should.”

We made an appointment for the next day. This was in November 2020, and this was when I discovered my parents’ lies.

(It’s so difficult writing about this.)

My boyfriend vanished, yes. Not because he wanted, but he because he had to. In one of the letters sent to his lawyer, my father had forbidden him from ever contacting me again. And, my mom said that we would keep ‘the baby’, and that they would only need him until the baby was born (for money) and then he could get on with his life, the same as me.

My daughter confronted my father, and he admitted he and my mom had made mistakes, and he wished they had done it differently. He wished my daughter well in her search for her father, told us all he could remember from that time, and until his death six months later, frequently asked me how her search was going.

History rewritten

I cried when I read those letters. I cried when my dad confessed.

I cried for days.

This new knowledge totally rewrote my history.

For 37.5 years, I believed the father of my daughter had just disappeared. Believed he didn’t want to be part of his daughter’s life.

None of that was true.

What would my life have been like had he been a part of it? Him disappearing fed the feeling that I’m not worth fighting for, something my first husband exploited, forever telling me he had done me a favor to marry me. Would my life had fewer ups and downs, had my daughter’s father been a part of it? Would I have made better choices; better decisions?

Those were questions I dwelled on in the weeks after discovering the lie. A close cousin asked me if I felt differently about my parents now I had this information?

The answer… no, I don’t.

Being a parent myself, I understand how difficult it must’ve been for them back then. However, this doesn’t mean it hurts less.

If she finds him

I don’t dwell on those questions anymore. I live a full life and know my worth.

The company she hired couldn’t find him. She has extended her search to a group on Facebook, and a national television program which had a lot of success in the past finding relatives.

I support her every step of the way.

It’s her quest, something she has to do.

But I have one thing I want to do when and if she finds him. I want him to know it was never my choice not to have him in my or our child’s life. I feel incredibly strong about this, and choke on tears thinking of the pain he might have endured thinking I agreed with my parents; that it was my choice to push him out of his child’s life.

I think of the way he might have resented me. The way he thought I had deceived him, after promising he could be part of her life. And, I think of what influence this had on the rest of his life, on his confidence, his feeling of self-worth.

For the life of me, I can’t find the words to explain how that makes me feel. Here I thought he had abandoned me, that he didn’t want to have the responsibility of a child.

Oh, the thoughts he must’ve had…

Lies of past times

There is a saying: No matter how fast a lie runs, the truth will someday overtake it.

My daughter had frequently asked my mom about the time of my pregnancy, and my mom always said she remembered so little of that time, and then changed the subject.

We now know why.

My mom and I had once talked about it, and she admitted it was a difficult time for her, that she was angry with me, but also very protective. I don’t remember the anger. I understand it was difficult. She was only 36 and came from a religious family — her brother was a preacher.

Both my parents had to face their respective families. I can imagine how hard that must’ve been — it was the early eighties, after all! Different times, especially in an extremely conservative South Africa!

It doesn’t excuse the fact they’d lied to me, but to be angry with them will be counterproductive. The facts sadden me, but I prefer to concentrate on the future.

Every day since my daughter left a message in a Facebook group — now just more than a week ago — she updates me on the progress.

With every fiber of my being, I hope she can fulfill her wish: to find her father, and the missing piece of her puzzle.

Also read this story by my dear friend, May More:

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