FOCUSING ON SELF

The Chessboard Of Life

When lines blur, it causes unnecessary stress and irritation

At one of the latest appointments with the coach, we talked about the conscience of the child, the greater conscience, and the higher self. Where the child is spontaneous, enthusiastic and pure, the greater conscience is the voice of the parent which tells you what the world expects of you.

Then there’s the higher self, which is the contact between the parent and the child, and it accommodates and guards the core values.

That part I understood, but on reading my notes, I realized I wanted to know more about those three states of consciousness, and want to learn how it can benefit me on my road to healing. I have requested this, and in my session tomorrow, we will address this.

A timeline of life

My life, to be more specific.

That was what the coach drew on the flip chart. Part of it was the steps I had already taken, but what she wanted to point out was the here and now. She drew a square, calling that the square meter I was standing on, which should be my point of focus.

One thing happening in my life now is my daughter looking for her birth father. The coach wanted to know where I stand in that. I told her my daughter had and always will have my blessing, but that this is her journey. When she just started out, I almost took it out of her hands, but realized I needed to leave her to dictate the steps she wanted to take when she was ready for it.

I’m always there to support her when she needs it, but this is something she has to do herself.

“Good,” the coach said. “You’ve taken your place on the chessboard, and so has your daughter.”

At that moment, I nodded because I understood, but the real understanding only came two weeks later, in the next session.

Taking my place on the chessboard of life

In that session, we talked about my husband’s illness, and then the coach asked me about my son — how he was doing.

I told her about a conversation I had with a friend the day before, and how the friend and I talked about my son and her daughter — both troubled souls. I told my friend I had come to a point where I listen to my son, give him a shoulder to cry on, give him advice, but then I sort of… ‘park the problem’. I needed to do this for myself, as otherwise his problems would consume me.

My friend understood completely and remarked she’d also always support her daughter, but she wasn’t constantly trying to solve her daughter’s problems on her behalf.

She called it a bottomless pit.

A never-ending story.

Her words made me think.

I realized I had taken a step back from my son. Up to a week or two before that moment, I had still tried to solve his problems on his behalf. That had changed. I now gave him the shoulder he needed and listened to him when that was what he wanted, but I left him to taking care of himself, together with his therapist.

I mentioned all of this to the coach, which was when she repeated what she’d said before: each of us was taking our roles on the chessboard life.

“You are the mother, and taking on that role, leaving your adult son to solve his problems, but being there for him when he needs it. Not to help him solve anything, but as a shoulder to lean on. That’s a healthy relationship.”

Only then I really got it.

When I step into my son’s square on the chessboard, it blurs the lines. I feel pressure to solve his problems — which I can’t, because he’s an adult and has to make his own choices. Then, by trying to solve problem on his behalf, I take away his power to learn how to take care of himself.

When we all stay in our roles, there’s mutual respect, and we can support each other in an authentic way. Blurred lines cause unnecessary stress and irritation.

My journey is far from finished, but with all the coach have taught me about myself up to now, I already feel I have many tools to move forward, and be more resistant to life’s stress than I have been for most of my life.

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