avatarAlex Markham

Summary

An individual embarks on a Bond-themed adventure in Southern Italy, humorously detailing their experience with secret agent tropes and rejected James Bond theme songs.

Abstract

The narrative follows an unnamed protagonist and their partner, referred to as Bond Girl, on a mission in Bari, Southern Italy. They navigate through a series of cleverly disguised rendezvous points, code names, and car hire ruses, all while armed with COVID-19 vaccination documents and Passenger Locator Forms. The story is interwoven with references to actual James Bond movie locations, such as Matera, and includes personal reflections on the music that could have been Bond themes, had they not been rejected. The protagonist's "licence to chill" contrasts with the high-octane exploits typically associated with 007, as they enjoy local beverages and avoid the intense action scenes, ultimately completing their mission with a relaxed demeanor.

Opinions

  • The author uses a blend of humor and espionage tropes to convey a light-hearted take on the James Bond genre.
  • There is an underlying appreciation for the complexity and creativity of the actual Bond films' plot devices, as seen in the elaborate car hire schemes and secret messages.
  • The protagonist shows a preference for certain rejected Bond themes over the ones that were officially used, suggesting a subjective taste in music and a playful critique of the selection process.
  • The article subtly mocks the impracticality of Bond's actions, such as the ease of navigating steep hills in a Citroen C3 disguised as an Aston Martin, highlighting the contrast between fiction and reality.
  • The author seems to enjoy the irony of a secret agent mission that involves lying down with a headache and forgetting to visit key locations due to the effects of the previous night's indulgence in local spirits.
  • There is a tongue-in-cheek celebration of the mundane aspects of spy work, like standing for tourist photos and sitting in coffee bars, as opposed to the thrilling chases and shootouts typically depicted in Bond films.

MUSIC & MOVIE PLAYLIST

Licenced To Chill — The Rejected Bond Themes

An alternative Bond scenario unfolds as we follow in his footsteps

Photo by Marcel Eberle on Unsplash

“Oooooooooooooooooh. Flew in from Valencia Beach, budget airline, didn’t get much sleep last night,” (on account of the flight being at 7.40 in the morning).

We land at 9.40. 20th November 2021. Bari, Southern Italy. Mission on. I’m with Bond Girl (aka Mrs Markham). We travel light: it saves €12 each way. Each. MI6 budgets are not what they were.

We’re heavily armed with Covid-19 vaccination documents. Plus Passenger Locator Forms. Preparation is key on any mission and I’m The Man With The Golden Covid Passport.

Special agent Alice Cooper prepared the documents for us — he was so much better than Lulu.

Q left instructions for the Aston Martin DB7 airport pick up — go to the OptimoRent Car Hire Desk in Bari Airport, arrivals area. Use the secret message — I booked this online and I’m not paying for any extra insurance, right?

You Only Live Twice so who wants to pay an extra €80 in case you get a flat tyre? Not Nancy Sinatra. Lorraine Chandler wanted to but wasn’t selected.

Security is tight, there’s no OptimoRent car hire company anywhere in the airport. It’s obviously an ingenious cover story. Bond Girl targets her airport contact who is cunningly disguised as a lady at the information desk.

I have my Bluetooth earpieces in pretending to be a tourist. I have Radiohead on. Not my cup of tea; too angsty and you need to be emotionless in this game.

It’s why it was rejected for Spectre but seems far better than Sam Smith’s song. Never mind, it fits the mood while we try to untangle the web of security around finding the damn Aston Martin.

Bond Girl’s contact tells her there’s no car hire company called OptimoRent. It’s an elaborate ruse. It’s really called Acu-Hire. Or Eco-Hire. Sometimes it’s Maggiore. Sometimes something else. But not OptimoRent. Clever security measures. The Italian-based MI6 office is on the ball.

I think the MI6 station officer here goes by the name of Mr Kiss Kiss Bang. Or at least according to special agent Dionne Warwick. I’d thought his name was Tom Jones but maybe he retired.

Bond Girl’s contact also tells us the car hire company are not actually in the airport terminal either, that’s also a cover. Intelligent. They are in the car park behind the rail station outside the airport terminal. Shrewd. No one would ever think to look there.

We go to the incognito car hire pickup point; it looks just like a car park behind a rail station. Clever. The Aston Martin is cunningly disguised as a Citroen C3 hatchback. Q is on top form as it has all the gadgets: electric door mirrors, parking sensor and remote locking.

Once we get going, we notice Q has even made it struggle up steep hills as if it were a real Citroen C3. The man’s a genius.

Disguised Aston Martin at Bari Airport — photo by the author

We make it to the rendezvous town of Matera, where 007 had a bit of a contretemps with Spectre at the beginning of his last mission. I note the Aston’s petrol consumption is far better this time around.

007 had lots of getting shot at and being chased around the narrow streets in motorbikes and cars in Matera. I hope my licence to chill means we fare better because I’ve got a bit of a headache after the early start so I need to lie down.

Scene of the car chase in No Time To Die — photo by the author

I have a mission but I can’t tell you what it is — It’s For My Eyes Only. And Sheena Easton’s. Not Blondie’s, they didn’t pass the security check.

We won’t fall into the same trap as Bond with all those car chases and stuff because of my licence to chill. Anyway, I’m getting on a bit. I can’t really do the swinging off bridges thing or jumping over walls on motorbikes.

Instead, I pretend to stand like an idiot for a tourist photo by Bond Girl on the aqueduct bridge where 007 narrowly escaped death by that man with the bionic eye and his mates. Shrewd disguise for a British agent at the top of his game.

On the Madonna Della Stella Aqueduct in Gravina Italy where Bond and then I narrowly escaped death at the hands of Spectre. You can’t see them as they’d just driven off — photo by Bond Girl (Mrs Markham)

Bond appears to have fallen off the Gravina aqueduct in Skyfall too. You think he’d have learned by now. 007: stay away from those damn Italian aqueducts.

A Bond-less Madonna Della Stella Aqueduct in Gravina Italy — photo by the author

We can only muse about Muse though. No need to muse about Adele. She got the gig.

After our brush with Spectre on the aqueduct, we return to Matera which is actually about 10 miles from Gravina. It took us ages to get back in the disguised Aston Martin as it was a little hilly. It only took Bond about 5 minutes to walk back in No Time To Die. What a guy.

Once back, we play at tourists and take selfies to fool Spectre.

Undercover British agents in Materna — photo by the author

We had planned to go to the cemetery where Bond got blown up to search for clues but it’s getting late and I want a beer. We have to maintain our disguises as tourists.

No sign of Spectre. Materna in the evening — photo by the author from a bar

Tomorrow Never Dies so we can go to the cemetery tomorrow with Pulp. Or Sheryl Crow. Both are good, I wouldn’t want to choose. M chose Ms Crow. I think it was because Pulp insisted on calling it Tomorrow Never Lies.

The next day we forget to go to the cemetery. I think it was the beer. And the wine. And the Limoncello. We reconnoitre the streets of Materna instead and sit in coffee bars. Mostly we sit in coffee bars.

My Goldeneye finds the spot where Bond rode up the steps on a motorbike and jumped into the square in No Time To Die. Yeah right, what do you have to say about that, Ace of Base? Ask Tina Turner you say?

I decide the steps are possibly a tad too steep to walk down for an agent with a licence to chill. And a hangover. Looking down, I can feel last night’s beer in my throat. And the wine. And the Limoncello.

I guess Bond was sober when he lept up from her on his motorbike. Either that or the CGI was particularly good.

Steps at Materna below the cathedral — photo by the author

Mission Completed

Before returning to the MI6 office in Valencia, we relax in the square where Bond machine-gunned all those nasty Spectre agents with his undisguised Aston Martin. Not so clever as me and Bond Girl, Mr Bond. My licence to chill remains intact.

Aperol Splits — orange aperitif, Prosecco, soda and ice — photo by the author

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