Letter to Pearl Devlin — 6 Years on
Dear mum,
It’s been 6 whole years. The time has gone so fast! I was reflecting on this piece I wrote 4 years ago, I feel like a different person wrote that.
Each year on your anniversary, I used to go over the day hour by hour. Often beating myself up, wishing I didn’t prioritise work over being with you in hospital for your final day on this earth and kicking myself for all of the things I didn’t get a chance to say.
The truth is I wasn’t prepared for any of this.
— —
Since you’ve been gone (ARGH KELLY CLARKSON SONG IN MY HEAD!)
.. I’ve turned 30 🙌
.. I’ve got a wonderful partner who is great, you would really like her.
.. I’ve got a wonderful home full of nice things.
You’d be so pleased.
—
Though, the hard truth is, and I’m ashamed to admit it... I didn’t ever really understand you.
I didn’t understand why you pushed us so hard. I didn’t understand why it felt like you resented us. I didn’t understand why you didn’t tell us you were unwell.
However, since having all of this time apart. I’ve learnt so much about you!
It feels like every other week there’s an “AHA!” moment and it feels like I’m learning more about you through myself, it’s actually been rather therapeutic.
Navigating the world as a black woman must have been so hard. Especially in Bolton, raising three mixed heritage children on a low wage. You didn’t want to ever show weakness and you had been conditioned to always be tough as nails.
We had everything that you didn’t and it must have been bittersweet, to see your children have a bright future ahead of them and opportunities you could have only imagined.
I also now understand how you were always so tired and exhausted. The UK can be a rough ride for black women in white-dominated spaces on a low salary.
In your absence, I tried my hardest to do right by you. I cared for and protected grandma as much as I could until April of this year when we sadly lost her. You wouldn’t have let things get this bad, but they did. I do hope you are both reunited and are having a good time catching up.
Though some positive news, at the same time that was going on, I managed to buy my first home this year mum and you would be so proud. I wish I could invite you round for a cup of tea and share my joy with you.
Each day I am grateful for everything that I have and these are some of my thoughts at the time of writing this:
👏 I am grateful for you making us swim You were part of the 95% of black British people that cannot swim. You were forceful in making sure it was a skill we learned from a young age, because you couldnt.
I spent the winter in Cyprus and when I swam in the Mediterranean sea most mornings, I dedicated myself to you. I didn’t realise what a privilege it is to have that ability, until recently.
👏 I am grateful for sharing your horse riding skills and expertise with us It made it strong, brave and courageous from such a young age. You gave us unwavering confidence in our own abilities. Exposing us to alternative therapies.
👏 I’m grateful for your high expectations Thank you for encouraging us to aim high and instilling that we always strive to do our best.
👏 I’m grateful for giving me the travel bug
👏 I’m grateful for never giving in when it was too hard
👏 I’m grateful for you spoiling and making a fuss about us on our birthdays and on special occasions when you could afford to
👏 I am grateful for you allowing us to dress, act and wear whatever we wanted to without judgement
I’m still a work in progress. Still trying to work it out.
Always learning, always growing.
I miss you now, more than ever.
X