6 lessons I learnt from losing my mother ⚰

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of losing my mother, Pearl Devlin, on 4th August 2016.

Here’s the last photograph of us all together in June 2016. We were over in Ireland for my grandad’s funeral. Mum was feeling unwell and thought she was potentially a coeliac. It was a rare occasion that we were all in the same place at the same time. In this photo I think she was just so elated we were together again.

My mum worked at the Royal Bolton Hospital for nearly 20 years. She was a health care assistant in the maternity suite delivering babies. She also held aspirations of working with troubled teenagers to find their worth.

A few weeks previous to this photograph, and only a few weeks before she died, she was recognised as Employee of the month.

She was so incredibly proud and happy about this achievement.

___

2016 was the worst year of my life.

4th August 2016 — I arrived at the hospital at 6PM to be told that my mum had cancer. It was terminal and had riddled her body, she died 4 hours later. She was 50. She didn’t smoke or drink alcohol.

When you thought it couldn’t get worse…

The nature of her death was so rapid and unexplained. We decided to ask for a post mortem to try and understand what had happened.

After we had the hearing, I really hit rock bottom as we found out she had ‘Bowel Cancer’ and that she kept it all a secret from us, to protect us, and instructed all of the consultants and doctors to keep it from us all.

That same year, I had also lost my grandad and my close schoolfriend in a road side accident and mother in weeks of each other.

It was safe to say, I was a grieving 24 year old, snotty mess, living in the Northern Quarter. Not knowing how best to recover or how to move on, I decided to leave.

I left for Berlin. I thought new scenery would be what I needed. I had never been to Germany before, I knew no-one and not one word of German.

I fell in love with all that Berlin had to offer. I spent lots of time eating vegan food and prioritising my mental and physical health. In the process, I met incredible people and it restored my relationship with life and humanity.

I learnt some things, can I share them with you?

1// Don’t let bad things define you — let them strengthen you 💪🏽 Take that crazy trip to heal the pain. It was the best thing I ever did. I met some incredibly people and I learnt more in 6 months, than in my whole life.

It’s okay to take a short detour on your way to great things and to experience the ‘downs’ as well as the ‘ups’.

Use your adversity to your stength.

2// Not all news is bad news 📰

We get bad news all of time. But is it really bad news? Write a list of things that would be life shattering if they happened tomorrow. If that ‘bad email’ you have just received isn’t on there then, reset your perspective.

Example: A friend lost from her job recently, she thought it was the end of the world. In a matter of weeks she has landed a new job with a payrise, new career and set of opportunities.

Re-assure yourself that it could always be worse.

3//Deeds not words 🗣

It is our absolute right and duty as responsible citizens to call out the injustices in the world and to look out for others.

We cannot live life with our voices or opinions being suppressed. However, actions speak louder than words. We must be the change we want to see in the world and find it in ourselves to stand up for what we believe in more meaningful and impactful way.

This mantra made for the foundation of Women Who Keynote.

See the first post here: https://readmedium.com/a-platform-for-women-4448af8d7b06

4// Manage your Mental health carefully 🤕

It is essential to learn how to manage your own mental health. Especially after experiencing traumatic events.

I was back working shortly after my mothers passing and I wasn’t right. I was lucky enough to access a ‘Life Coach’ through the Women’s trust and on my return to the UK, I was able to access some free bereavement counselling through the LGBT Foundation in Manchester. It gave me the perspective I was lacking and was completely life changing.

I make sure I go for long walks, I don’t drink booze too often, I sleep well, I take hot baths and listen to meditation podcasts on spotify, I go to the sea.

Self-care is important and should be prioritised.

5 // Don’t wait until a funeral, before you tell them they’re special⚰🌟

After her death I was riddled in deep regret and anxiety because there was so much I hadn’t ever told her.

I try my best to tell those that truly impress me why I think so highly of them. If you have ever experienced a barrage of compliments from me, it’s because saying the truth, openly and honestly is the philosophy I choose to live by.

People need to know how they make you feel. Honest and genuine feedback, with no agenda, is super important as we often don’t take the time to congratulate ourselves.

6// Aim to leave a genuine legacy ✨

Since the passing of my mother, her team at the hospital have been dedicated to remembering her by erecting a memorial statue in her memory.

• Do something because its a good thing to do.
• Make people miss you’re generosity and kindness.
• Be irreplaceable.
• Be remarkable.
• Aim to be that person that wouldn’t go down without a fight ⚔

____

I’m happy to say that 2 years on, I’m finally at peace with what has happened.

Everyday is an opportunity to make amends. My mum touched the hearts of many, she talked young people out of self harm and she continues lives on through my sisters and me.