Let’s Stop Treating Fathers as Glorified Babysitters

Aren’t we past this? Seriously?

In the distant past, husbands and fathers were sometimes treated like occasional babysitters. They weren’t expected to carry the full load of childcare. Things, I thought, had changed.

My husband and I were both married previously. While we each have a failed marriage in our past, we like to think we have learned from our experiences. I don’t think we are kidding ourselves. The 20th anniversary of our first date was in June and we are still going strong.

When my first marriage was circling the drain, marriage counseling wasn’t in the cards. You need two people to be invested in saving the marriage to try. My husband and his first wife were invested. They tried.

Our marriage benefits from the lessons learned in those sessions. I am grateful they both did everything they could to work through their issues.

I don’t want to be a jerk but I’m glad on a personal level that it failed to save their relationship. If it had worked, I wouldn’t be looking forward to celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary.

“When I spend time with my son,” he responded, “I am not babysitting. I am parenting.”

During one of the sessions with the counselor, my husband became deeply offended. I don’t blame him. I don’t think the therapist blamed him either, after he called her on it.

She suggested he “babysit” their son on a certain schedule each week. That way his wife could find time to do something on her own. To give her space.

“When I spend time with my son,” he responded, “I am not babysitting. I am parenting.”

The therapist apologized and they moved on, but it stuck in his head.

I can only imagine how it felt to have his role as a father reduced to that of a childcare provider. Has anyone ever referred to motherhood in those terms? Yet, if you pay attention, you will see this happen to men all the time.

I see women treat their husbands as glorified sitters sometimes. The way they are referred to is less than respectful of their place in their children’s lives.

I know where it comes from. My own father held a distant parenting role. When I began spending time at his apartment on holidays as a child, I spent most of my time with his wife.

My mother once said my dad was fine “watching me” when I was a baby. Obviously, his parenting role was different than my husband’s.

I have been tempted to believe this was a generational issue. Surely babies being born in the 21st century don’t have this watered-down relationship with their fathers?

I am sorry to say, this less than ideal dynamic is still being played out in the here and now.

Sigourney Humus wrote a recent piece on Medium that reminded me of this topic. I have thought about it a lot. I recommend checking out his piece:

A woman I know chose to leave her profession to become a stay-at-home mother. Her husband works a regular office schedule and is home in the evenings and weekends. They are both in their early 30s and seem to be happy.

A while back she began turning down evenings out with friends by saying her toddler needed to be in bed early. Fair enough. Over time, it became clear that she did not want to leave her children home alone with their father.

There could be serious issues prompting this. Over time she was cautiously questioned. The story that emerged should have no place in the here and now.

Simply put, she felt she was the primary caregiver. At all times. If her husband was watching the kids alone, it was in a babysitting capacity. At least in her mind.

This wasn’t the team approach my husband and I had as we raised three children together, “Brady Bunch” style. This was more the situation my father, born in 1921, thought of as normal.

Double-checking my calendar, it is 2019. Aren’t we past this? Millennials, seriously??? Please tell me we are getting beyond this.

I have spoken with women roughly my own age. Let’s say born in the 1960s. Most of my friends have an attitude like my own. Our husbands are fully functional human beings. As are we.

Our husbands help around the house. It is a team approach.

Before I quit my job, I was balancing a full-time office job, school-age children’s schedules, and a new marriage. At that time my husband worked from home and did much more of the housework than I did. We were a team. We acted like it.

There are other women my age that have different assumptions. Their marriages reflect it. I’ve heard comments about what a mess their house will be in when they get back from a weekend trip with friends. Why? Can’t their husbands load a dishwasher? In 2019?

I am harping on the date because I’m finding these attitudes difficult to comprehend. I have seen men shake their heads in disbelief when they report things women say to their wives.

“It is as if they think I’ve never changed a diaper or fed a bottle to my own child.” One said recently. “Why do they think I am capable of running a department of fifty engineers, but I would fall apart if I was alone with two children?”

It is depressing that these conversations are still happening. Men have been stepping up for a long time. Be nice if they got the credit.

One of my regrets is that my husband and I married at a time that made having children together less than ideal. We each brought kids into our relationship and our lives were hectic. By the time we saw things becoming more relaxed, I would have been in my mid-40s. We decided not to have more children.

My husband is a good father. Our kids are grown now. They have successfully launched and are starting families of their own. I give him an enormous amount of credit for what great people they are. I wish we’d had a baby together. The timing just wasn’t with us.

If my husband had been less of a full partner as husband and father, I wouldn’t regret not having more kids for an instant. Why would I?

I didn’t need more stress, more work. I didn’t need to feel grateful my husband would babysit when I needed a break.

More to the point, my husband didn’t need to be condescended to. Not by that therapist long ago, not by anyone.

Men don’t need extra credit for the things they do as a parent. They need the normal amount due a good parent. I thank all the involved, attentive, thoughtful parents out there. No matter their gender identification. No matter what name their children call them by.

Our world is a better place when we take good care of our children. Our world is a better place when we treat each other with respect. Acting like a father is a glorified babysitter is not respectful. We can do better.

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