Dark Humor
Let Me Teach You How to Forge Real Enemies in the Workplace
Beyond office politics
Office politics suck. We say yes when we mean no, we say no when we mean no, and maybe, is yes, when maybe is, no.
Ambiguous relationships affect the quality of lunch too. There are many times when I’d rather talk to the prawn in my soup than listen to colleagues blabbering about fishing a blue whale by the beach.
Gosh.
The world is changing rapidly. We have aging parents, and there is climate change. It is time to upgrade our workplace relationship for the better.
How?
We do that by upgrading our workplace relationships from neutral to natural enemies. Let me teach you how to do it.
First, you would want to take a sheet of paper and draw a horizontal line to demarcate the Northern and Southern hemispheres.
Next, draw 2 vertical lines at the Southern hemisphere, extending from the horizontal line drawn previously.
You have to draw these lines with ample real estate between columns. This is required for soul searching and reflection.
There will be 3 columns created when you are done drawing 2 vertical lines in the Southern hemisphere. Bequeath the following titles to each column: -
- Current-Day 30% Enemy Status.
- Current-Day 50% Enemy Status.
- Current-Day 100% Enemy Status.
The last step in the preparatory phase is to list down all names you can think of from the workplace, by the workplace, and to the workplace, in the Northern hemisphere of the paper.
The thought experiment begins.
Take a hard look at all the names you have scribbled. Chances are, these are names you recall for a reason.
It is one thing to be stepped on. It is another thing to smile after you have been stepped on.
Now, distribute all the names from the Northern Hemisphere to each of the 3 columns in the Southern Hemisphere.
Done?
With thinking comes clarity.
These are your action plans.
Current Day 30% Enemy Status.
They are friends and good-natured people. Probably.
The thing about them? They are nice to you during inconsequential discussions, such as lunch-time (they want you to foot the bill) and the pantry gossip time.
Your wallet has been suffering in silence.
Our goal is to push them from a 30% enemy status to a 100% enemy status.
That way, we will never have to pay for their lunch ever again.
Current Day 50% Enemy Status.
These ones are more ambitious at play. They are born Foreign Affairs Minister types.
These people are sensitive to changes in the environment that threaten or enhance their interests. When you advance their interests, you are their allies. When you threaten their interests, you are a foe.
Look, my solution is simple. I do not like to deal with Chameleons. So, I will shift these lizards to the 100% enemy status and move on with life.
I carry along with a can of insecticide in the office. Whenever I cross paths with the Foreign Affairs Minister types, I will spray them with gas.
Trust me. These people are masters in their craft. They will not perish immediately from the gas, AND they will still return you a smile.
You know, it is my pleasure.
Current Day 100% Enemy Status.
This one is EASY.
This is when Harry Potter meeting Voldemort. Destiny speaks all.
You need weapons. No, not nuclear missiles or atomic bombs. They belong to the last century.
You need to get back to your storeroom and retrieve the Death Note.
Write their names down.
Watch them disintegrate into nothingness. The world has just become a better place.
My Take From The Dark.
Allies. Adversaries. The clearer it is, the better it is.
Why smile at an enemy when you know that they are? You know that they are!
Let us learn to embrace clarity.
You know that boss you have always hated? He is at the pantry.
Walk there and give him a good donkey-hind-leg-kick at his butt!
Aldric
About the Author:
As a content contributor, I write my observations from daily life and my business exposure.
Because our life experience is the bedrock of our unique perspectives.