Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Make sure you have a safety plan in place, when you leave you are in more danger.
Being in an abusive relationship is terrifying. When someone you loved hurts you, it is like the ultimate betrayal.
Trigger warning: descriptions of domestic violence.
People always ask survivors why they didn’t leave sooner. But people don’t understand the fear that survivors face in those types of relationships. They haven’t had the threats of, “If you leave again, I’m going to kill you!” screamed into their face.
According to a story in the Clarion Ledger,
“The statistics are that women in abusive relationships are about 500 many times more at risk when they leave,” said Wendy Mahoney, executive director for the Mississippi Coalition Against Domestic Violence. “Domestic violence is all about power and control, and when a woman leaves, a man has lost his power and control.”
When you try to leave, an abuser will use threats to try to reel you back in. If the threats don’t work, they will try to apologize and promise to change. If that doesn’t work, then they will try to guilt trip or blackmail you. They try to wear down what little resolve you have, and make you feel like you are totally dependent on them.
After I left my abuser, I experienced this first hand.
It wasn’t the first time that I left, but it would be the last. He used my daughter to try to guilt trip me into staying. That had worked the time before. When it didn’t work that time, he tried to trap me in the house. When I tried to run, he threw me down a flight of stairs.
I ran to a police station. I showed them the bruises where he choked me. I filed a police report.
I was still afraid, I had never filed a police report before.
Creating a safety plan
When you are thinking about leaving an abusive relationship, it is important to plan ahead and create what is called a Safety Plan.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline,
A safety plan is a set of actions that can help lower your risk of being hurt by your partner. It includes information specific to you and your life that will increase your safety at school, home, and other places that you go on a daily basis.
Making a safety plan can include having a “go bag” ready for when you decide to leave. You may also want to stock away money or important documents like your identification and medical cards.
You can store these items at your office, or with a trusted friend or relative in preparation for leaving your abuser.
One of the most important things to keep in mind is that you will want to keep your plans primarily to yourself. If your abuser finds out that you are planning to leave, they may actually become more dangerous and violent. When you access any of these resources, be sure that you are doing so from a private computer, so that your abuser won’t have access to your browsing history.
However, in some situations this may not be possible. It is important to weigh the risks of staying in the relationship against leaving. That is why I highlighted earlier in this article the dangers of leaving a violent relationship.
Many people will tell you that it is best to leave a violent relationship.
Only you can know for sure. There are many risk factors to be aware of before you leave, and it is a big decision that only you can make. It is important to weigh the pros and cons carefully.
According to Domestic Shelters,
Carlson recommends taking caution when leaving a relationship if your partner showed any signs of controlling behavior, including financial abuse, sexual coercion, isolating you from loved ones, verbal abuse and gaslighting.
“If you’re dealing with any of this, it’s best to talk to someone who has expertise in safety planning and the resources to get you the help you need,” Carlson says. “Call a hotline or reach out to a shelter to talk to someone who can coach you through all the mechanisms you can use to leave safely.”
Enlisting help is very important to getting away from a violent relationship.
I understand all too well the pain and shame of admitting that you have stayed in an abusive relationship. It is difficult to reach out for help because there is so much victim blaming in society as a whole. There are many reasons for this, but please know that being abused is not your fault. It is something that has happened to you, it is no reflection on who you are as a person.
Here are some additional resources that will help you in making a Safety Plan.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship, you can reach out for help.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service
800–799–7233
If someone comes to you for help
It is always important to believe survivors when they tell you that they are being abused in their relationship.
Since it is very difficult for survivors to come forward because of the shame and stigma associated with domestic violence, someone is placing a great trust in you by coming to you for assistance.
You can help to point them to community resources, such as a safe house or hotline if they come to you and ask for help.
The best thing that someone did for me when I left my abuser was to take away my phone. That way, I wouldn’t be broken down because of the incessant phone calls and go back.
Survivors may also be worried about other loved ones or pets, and will want to get them away from the abuser safely as well. Planning for this can require a great deal of resources and help.
If a survivor wants to remove their pets or belongings from a mutual home, in the United States they can ask the police for what is called a Civil Standby.
A civil standby is a situation wherein an officer is present at the request of a party to a civil dispute in order to prevent violence. A civil assist is one in which officer merely monitors a scene to ensure the peace is kept, the officer’s function in this situation being to stand by in the event trouble ensues with alleged victim — friends of the victim or family members.
The laws on Civil Standby will vary by state, so it is important to look up the laws for your state, or to call the police non-emergency number to find out what services they are able to provide.
Having a law enforcement officer present can help someone leaving a violent relationship to feel safe while they are collecting their pets or belongings.
Most importantly, what you can do if someone tells you that they are a victim of domestic violence, is listen to them. Believe them. Show compassion. Having a caring heart who listens is so rare for someone who has been in a violent relationship for any length of time.
I hope that these resources will be helpful for anyone that is in a violent relationship and considering leaving, as well as anyone wishing to support them. If you know of additional resources for help such as in other countries besides the US, I would love to hear about them in the comments.
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