Learning To Draw Boundaries Without Guilt
I’ve been getting to practice a lot lately!
Last week I watched the recording of a podcast that Russell Brand had done with Brene Brown. It was a fun and fascinating listen, with lots of laughter and more than one Aha moment for me. But the thing that most grabbed my attention was Dr. Brown talking about how her research on compassion revealed one common denominator; the people who have the most compassion are also the best at maintaining good boundaries. Wow!
It’s one of those things that sounds a bit counter-intuitive on the surface, but once you really think about it, it is right on target. Ever since I’ve been getting handed opportunities to practice keeping good boundaries, and boy has that been fun! In truth, although it has been somewhat uncomfortable at times, holding firm to what is important to me has never felt easier. I have a new sense of ease in the process. I guess it’s because it’s come with some reframing.
It’s not that they are wrong and I’m right — it’s just that this is what works or doesn’t work for me, and I’m sticking with it. You go do you, and if that meshes with how I do me, then great. If not, no problem. The thing that is the most noticeably different recently is the lack of heat around these decisions. It’s not a big dramatic drawing a line in the sand. It’s just more of a planting my feet kind of thing. This is what has been revolutionary.
A group that I’m in recently made some decisions that didn’t feel great to me. I talked it through with them, and still, it just didn’t sit right. No problem, this group can do what it wants. It’s just apparently not the right fit for me. There doesn’t have to be antagonism or demanding my way. I’m perfectly happy to just go find a different group. Whew! What a relief to discover that it didn’t have to be a big effing deal.
One of my clients has an abusive and mentally ill mother who has just been creating chaos in her life. After she realized that trying to be overly accommodating to her mother was coming not only at her own expense but at that of her entire family, it was easier to draw and maintain the boundaries that she needed to. The most compassionate thing for everybody was actually to remove herself from an unhealthy dynamic.
Brene Brown’s anecdote from the podcast on this topic came out of a retreat she was leading for church deacons. They told the story of a family that they’d been trying to assist, but every time they brought money, it ended up getting gambled away. Every time they brought supplies, they got sold for gambling money. The conclusion that the deacons finally reached was to either keep trying to help without judgment, despite the very real challenges, or to walk away. Continuing to provide assistance laced with animosity was what was causing all the angst and upset.
The deacons wanted the situation to be different than it was, but the true choices were to accept things as is and work with them the best they could or to decide that it was just not a tenable situation anymore and walk away. Either of those was a compassionate choice. What was not was trying to help and being filled with resentment at the same time.
I’m old enough to know that life is never going to go my way all of the time. Sometimes that’s initially going to make me sad or angry, but if I stick to what’s important to me and try to hold things lightly, I don’t have to get taken out on an ongoing basis by some monkey wrench in the works. And when I know that I am not going to sacrifice my own standards, integrity, or other boundaries, then it frees me up to be compassionate in a big way.
When I know who I am, I don’t have to perform pleasing behaviors to get other people’s affirmation. I can stand firmly in that place of what really works for me, without so much heat and drama around the places where that isn’t meshing with somebody else. I’m not exhausted from jumping through other people’s hoops and so that person has a whole lot to give.