Transgender|LGBTQ|Allyship

Learning Shows Your Love for Your Trans Person

And it might just save your relationship.

The second L in our ALLY acronym series stands for Learning. You can start the series at the beginning with this story if you like.

Language. This one is huge! If you’re anything like I was when I began this journey, you probably don’t know a whole lot about the LGBTQ community. Take the time to learn the language, understand the commonalities and the differences between the acronym’s letters. Better yet, take the time to learn about the commonalities your LGBTQ person has with YOU. This seemingly colossal divide indeed can be navigated with love. And then everybody wins.

Learning the basics is the first step in showing your support as an ally. So, for the sake of those basics, let’s start at the beginning. What is the current acronym for those who are in a community of non-heterosexual, non-binary people? LGB came first. In the 1990s the acronym added the T for transgender people.

LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, and Transgender. At the risk of going “LGBT Language for Dummies,” lesbians are women attracted to women. Gay refers to men attracted to men. Bisexuals are those who are attracted to both men and women. Transgender people are people whose gender on the outside doesn’t match who they know themselves to be on the inside. They may or may not take supplemental hormones. They may or may not have had surgery to align the outside with the inside.

Often, you will see this acronym extended with an I or a Q. The Q can have a couple of different meanings. Q stands for queer or questioning. Queer was once used offensively regarding the LGBTQ community, suggesting that being different from the norm was weird or strange or wrong. Over time, the term was taken up with a renewed sense of pride by the community members themselves and it became a rallying call for social justice causes. Now, much of the emotion once attached to the word has quelled.

Questioning is often used to describe people who kind of float along the spectrum between homosexual and heterosexual, along with a few other types of sexuals we won’t dig into today.

Whew. So now that we have the absolute basics down let's move to transgender for a moment. I have a special place in my heart for transgender people as my grandson is transgender. I have some stories about that journey too. Start with the one below.

It took me a while to begin to understand anything about transgender people. I was fortunate; my grand was patient and understanding. Over time, I realized that living as a transgender person before a transition must be incredibly confusing and painful. How do you even begin to reconcile that in your head when you’re a child or an adolescent? (and yes, even when you are an adult) My heart aches when I think of that pain.

Imagine knowing deep in your soul that you’re a boy, yet looking at your breasts every day. Acknowledging in the mirror that you have no penis. Or the other side, having a penis when you know you would have been more “right” if you had a uterus. It is truly mind-boggling. That is the reality of everyday life for our much loved transgender people. Then, most choose to transition.

Transition is the term used to describe when you go through the changes from one sex to another. Where we live, before someone can transition with hormones or have any surgery alterations, they must first attend some counseling with a specialist who works with LGBT people. These weeks can help everyone to prepare for what comes next.

It’s not easy to think about the little girl with pigtails that owned my whole heart. I miss those days. But when I look at my incredibly kind and loving grandson, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. Transitions aren’t easy, but they are possible.

After the counseling, my grandson began taking testosterone. His T-day or first day on testosterone was on my fifth wedding anniversary. Now that special day honors two vastly different and very incredible men in my heat. As the weekly injections continued, eventually, it was time to plan for top surgery. Top surgery is a double mastectomy. Bottom surgery changes the genitals. A lot of transgender people have top surgery. Bottom surgery is much more expensive and less common.

These few words on a shortlist are the bare essentials of what we ALL need to learn. To give the LGBTQ people in our lives the respect they deserve- and need- we need to normalize the very words that describe them. And then, once we can fully accept everyone into our comfort zones, maybe we can do aways with them unless relations are headed toward the intimate.

Although it barely brushes the surface, it is heartbreaking to see how many families, how many friends, refuse this simple change in language because they are afraid. Afraid they are crossing some moral line. Fearful of what the neighbors will think or what the clerk at the grocery store will say. Terrified to let go of long-held norms in their minds.

When you feel afraid, think about your child, your dad, your sibling, whoever it is who is coming out to you. And start speaking their love language. The language that includes them in your world.

Then, spend some time thinking about all the things you have in common with the LGBTQ community. As with any category used to define and separate people, it is guaranteed you have far more in common than what is different. Think about those things- politics and parties, movies and menus, kids, and Kool-aid. Neighbors and friends and families and communities. Houses and yards with swing sets and ball fields. High rises and subways and green eyes with red hair. You get the point, yes?

I’m really glad you are at least thinking more about how to become a better ally to the LGBTQ community. Next time, we move on to the last letter in our word ALLY. Y is for . . .

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you! If you would like to know a little more about me, please read this short introductory piece.

As I become more open about my advocacy, I was led to a group of some of the most beautiful people I know. They are a group of young LGBTQ people, mostly from Uganda, living in Kenya. Some are in a refugee camp called Kakuma. Others live in Nairobi. I will list two of those stories for you below.