Learning Our Core Sexual Desires

Knowing what you want to feel is key for long-term sexual fulfillment

There’s a lot that goes into having great, fulfilling sex. There’s no one secret to making it happen — it’s all about feeling comfortable enough to express your sexual desires to a partner who is willing to listen. One who is willing and able to put those desires into actions.

Knowing how you want to feel when you hit the sheets is a key piece to the puzzle of great sex that too many of us glance over. Some of us instinctually get right to getting down without really examining the purpose behind the sex — especially when we’re with a long-term partner.

When you’ve been having sex with the same person for two, five, or ten years (like I have), it’s easy to fall into “the routine.” We eat takeout, watch a movie, and get into bed. He gives me oral until I come. I give him oral until he flips me on my stomach and fucks me to completion. We’re both snoring ten minutes later. It’s fine, but it’s a little too same-old, same-old.

Constantly falling into robotic, mechanical lovemaking can bring a swift death by boredom to your sex life. Too many of us hit a dry spell of no sex — of low libido or erectile dysfunction. The newness and variety are long gone, and the sexual passion becomes stale. Some of us even look for satisfaction outside of our relationship to alleviate the boredom.

One way to counter this is to keep the conversations alive. The conversations we have with our partners, and also with ourselves.

What do you want to feel when you have sex? (Besides an orgasm)

The next time you are about to engage in sex with a partner, ask yourself what you hope to get out of it. What is your motivation behind having sex?

In other words, what do you want to feel when you have sex?

Getting that orgasm is certainly lovely. Being aroused and physically satisfied is just swell. And for some of us, emotional bonding is just as important.

But digging deeper than the big O can help us have better orgasms and better intimacy. A mind-blowing climax might be the hopeful result, but what’s the fuel that gets us there? What feelings do we want to feel? What actions really turn us on?

In Coming Together, an incredible book on embracing your core desires for sexual fulfillment, sex therapists Danielle Harel, PhD, and Celeste Hirschman encourage visualizing an ultra-hot fantasy and writing down the feelings you notice at key moments during your “mental movie.”

Imagination is a powerful sexual tool. Take the time to play out a scenario in your head — something tailor-made to turn you on. Something that would most certainly make you come. Perhaps multiple times.

Write your fantasy out, and pay attention to the feelings you have when you think of performing certain actions or having certain things done to you. Record the words that come to mind that represent these feelings, and you’ll have some fantastic talking points when you start a dialogue with your partner.

Take my fantasy, for example

I completed the exercise myself. And let me say, it was eye-opening.

In one of my fantasy scenarios, a man with dark hair and a strikingly handsome face leads me down the entry hallway of his home. He has a trim body and wears a stylish suit. He can’t wait until we get to the bedroom, so he turns on me suddenly with dark, hungry eyes. There’s a narrow table in the hall against the stairway, something sturdy and made of wood. He lifts me onto the table, places his body between my legs, clamps his hand on the back of my neck, and kisses me deeply. His other hand goes to my hair, pulling it back to tilt my face up and deepen the kiss.

His movements are rough, controlling, and dominant as he kisses and bites my neck and fondles my breasts. He removes his tie and binds my wrists in front of me. Then he lifts my wrists above my head and secures them to one of the wooden posts lining the staircase.

I test the binds and learn that my wrists are tied tight as he grips my thighs and spreads my legs. His hand slips under my skirt, and his fingers quickly move aside the crotch of my underwear and slip inside me. He fingers me, gently at first, then rougher. I gasp in pleasure as he pumps his fingers in and out of me.

Then he yanks down my underwear and slides them over my high heels so that he has full access. He rubs my clit skillfully with his fingers, which are lubricated with my arousal. When I get closer to the point of climax, and far more vocal, he covers my mouth with his other hand. My wail of ecstasy is muffled as I come, shaking, with his fingers inside me. Before my orgasm has subsided, he’s unbuckled his pants and is thrusting his hard, bulging cock into me, prolonging my contractions of pleasure.

He keeps his hand firmly pressed against my mouth as he fucks me roughly on the table. I feel a painful pleasure in my wrists as I pull against the bind. He stares into my eyes with a searing passion as he fucks me furiously. Minutes later, he grunts loudly when he comes. I moan into his hand and come a second time, my muscles squeezing his pulsating cock.

Now, what does this mental film teach me about what I like to feel during sex?

Other than the fact that I enjoy some fantastic orgasms, I can also see that I most certainly love to feel dominated. But I also want to feel connected with my partner through that domination. I delight in feeling desired, taken, and penetrated. I’m especially turned on when I feel vulnerable, out of control, and forced/handled roughly (consensually speaking).

Basically, I want to be made to feel irresistible.

Play your own scenario and think of the words that best describe your feelings before, during, and after the climax of some of your hottest sexual fantasies. Do you notice any recurring themes? Do you love to feel loved? Does it turn you on to feel worshipped? Connected? Alive? Dominant? Dominated? Degraded? In control? Feminine? Masculine? Taken care of? Played with? Capable? Vulnerable?

There’s no limit to how many different feelings you like to experience and no right or wrong answer. For many people, it’s a combination of several things. Some feelings may seem at odds with others. Maybe you like to feel both degraded and loved — and that’s all good. We’re complex fucking creatures, after all. Or maybe your core desires fit neatly together and follow the same theme.

The key is to feel your feelings, whatever they may be. And to be able to communicate to your partner the types of actions that allow you to experience these beautiful, wonderful, fulfilling sexual desires.

Judgment-free dialogue

Being able to talk to my partner about exactly what I want has been a slow process for me. When it comes to some desires, I’m very good about expressing myself sexually.

But other desires — the ones that might be considered outside the realm of normalcy by societal standards (for example, my yearning to venture more heavily into BDSM or polyamory)— have been more difficult for me to share. I’m afraid of making myself too vulnerable. Afraid my desires will be incompatible with his boundaries, and problems will arise.

But having a safe space to communicate your core desires to your partner without judgment is essential.

Imagine how empowering and fulfilling our sex lives could be if we figured out the core desires that bring us to the height of our most intense pleasure. Imagine also having a keen awareness of the language needed to clearly express to our partners exactly how we can experience that, and how we can reciprocate their core desires as well.

Building a safe space to be vulnerable and express your most delicious fantasies to your partner without fear of judgment is essential for long-term sexual health and happiness.

And, it goes both ways.

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