Learn the Secrets of Desire and Rekindle the Fire
How to keep desire going in a long-term relationship.
- Why does good sex so often fade even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?
- Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex contrary to popular belief?
- Can we want what we already have?
These were questions posed by renowned couples therapist and New York Times bestselling author, Esther Perel, in the quest to unravel the mystery behind that age-old challenge couples in committed relationships have which is, sustaining desire.
It appears, as Perel concluded, that what makes sustaining desire in long-term relationships seem like such an uphill task is that we, as human beings, basically have two fundamental but competing needs in relationships:
- we have the need for security and predictability because we need that comfort of a secure relationship in which we are assured of where we stand with our partners which, is a strong element of a healthy and loving relationship; against
- our need for adventure and novelty and getting to satisfy this need tells us we are still exploring and not stagnating, and what is more is that adventure, mystery, risk, and pleasure are basic elements of desire.
So the real question is, how do we sustain desire with these conflicting needs? Or in other words, how do we maintain the comfort that comes with predictability and security, and at the same time, the excitement that comes with adventure with the associated elements of risk, unpredictability, and all those other things that keep the relationship adrenalin pumping?
The answer lies in striking a balance when satisfying these competing needs in one relationship. Perel counsels that while you need to stay in touch with that part of yourself that is considerate, socially appropriate, responsible, and respectable so your partner is provided with all the needed assurances; at the same time, you need to stay connected to the part of you that is fully aware of your sexual needs and what it takes to meet them. This sounds easier said than done.
When the desire is no longer burning with the same passionate intensity that it used to, the research in this area also reveals some great opportunities to rekindle the flames because Perel has discovered that there are certain instances when partners usually find themselves being drawn to their significant others (not necessarily sexually), and it is in these instances that I believe lay great opportunities to unlock/rekindle our desire and enable it to flourish. These instances when we find ourselves the most drawn include:
- When we are spending time apart- couples, across cultures, religions, and genders, say that they are most drawn to their partners in their absence. Perel says this is because absence brings imagination back into the picture. Basically what happens is, partners, get a chance to get back in touch with the ability to just imagine themselves being with their significant others, and all the better when our imagination is rooted in longing, anticipation, and even mystery (major components of desire). The experts also say the main types of imagination we have in romantic relationships (sexual fantasies and idealization) both bring great benefits. Sexual fantasies involving our partners create novelty and arouse desire while partners idealizing each other have been linked to fewer conflicts, decreased risks of separation, and higher relationship satisfaction. So when next you are spending time apart from your significant other, use it to get in touch with your imagination.
“What we need most, is not so much to realize the ideal as to idealize the real.” –F. H. Hedge
- When we observe our partners in their element- whenever one partner is able, from a comfortable distance, to observe the other radiating and exuding confidence while doing something they are passionate about it can be a big turn-on! What happens is, seeing an otherwise familiar partner this way brings about a momentary shift in perception that evokes a sense of mystery and excitement because this person we are so familiar with is now suddenly transformed before our eyes, and this feeds desire. So take every opportunity to watch your partner doing something they are passionate about. Something they do not only passionately but confidently, especially where you can see how others positively react to them. These instances, when we see them radiating in ways that we do not usually see, are when our desire grows.
“Mystery is not about traveling to new places it is about looking with new eyes.”
- When there is novelty- and this is when our partners surprise us by revealing parts of themselves that we are just seeing for the first time. But how do we get to experience this kind of novelty from someone we are already so familiar with? The answer for me is to go into new situations together and find new experiences to share. In exploring new situations and creating new activities to share you will be creating memories that are a blend of the familiar and the new. It is in these times you can get to be surprised by some “novel" parts of your partner when they are reacting to new circumstances, experiences, or even challenges. Keep in mind the idea to create these new situations is to experience novelty. So cast a wide net, don’t hold back. Make yourself also open to new experiences.
“Novelty isn’t about new positions. It isn’t a repertoire of techniques. Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out? What parts of you are just being seen?” -Esther Perel
Conclusion
Finding your relationship in a phase where the sparks have fizzled is not a time for despair but a time to take positive steps to reawaken that desire. Stop relying on the myth of spontaneity because rekindling desire will take some doing. You have to, and quite deliberately, take steps to set up the opportunities and the space for it to happen. It is just that important because desire, intimacy, and sex are the lifeblood of romantic relationships.
“If the desire has faded, reigniting it might feel awkward at first and that’s completely okay and completely normal. Don’t take the ‘awkward’ as a sign to stop. Take it as a sign to keep going because you’ve already been stopped for too long.”
You can enjoy Perel’s eloquent, witty, and very illuminating TED Talk on the topic. It is well worth the time:
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