One Thing a Therapist Reveals She Stopped Doing in Her Own Relationship
The power to choose a different path lies in a tiny space.
For couples’ therapist, Sinead Smyth, one thing is a no-no when it comes to keeping the relationship healthy. She reveals this while speaking to TODAY and listing the 5 things she always does to keep her relationship going strong going.
She reveals that the one thing she doesn’t do is simply: whenever in an argument, never just blurt out whatever it is she feels the urge to say right in the moment. She observes this rule because, as she says, “in the heat of an argument, it’s not going to come out well so I usually check myself, give myself three seconds.”
Smyth, a certified Gottman Institute therapist and master trainer in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy has been married for twenty-two years, and according to her, she didn’t always use to take that pause. Then, as she discovered, the resulting unguarded comments were not usually very unhelpful to the relationship. Now, the three-second pause helps her realize when a comment isn’t worth uttering anyway.
“In the heat of an argument, it’s not going to come out well so I usually check myself, give myself three seconds.”
There’s power in that pause
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response” -Viktor E. Frankl
Taking just those three seconds (or as long as you need) in a heated argument will open up a space in your mind for you to choose a different path. And hopefully, one that doesn’t involve you putting your foot in your mouth.
The pause gives you room to exercise the power to choose a different response by giving you a chance to listen more and observe just a little more so you check some of your (false) assumptions.
It also isn’t necessarily a big space but it’s there for you to make use of. Within it, you have the room back off a little and take a breath, and in that time perhaps you quickly realize those words you were about to utter will serve no other purpose other than to satisfy the urge to have the last word.
So, if in an argument with your significant other and you feel that familiar knot beginning to form in your stomach or tightness in your chest, or an increased heartbeat just know that it’s time to take a pause. Hopefully, you can then return to the discussion with a little more clarity.
“Smyth’s been married for twenty-two years and according to her, she didn’t always use to take that pause.”
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