Latest Casualty of Supply Chain Woes: Columns

Among the supply chain snags tangling the global economy, two have
plagued writers for months.¹ Emojis and humor.

In the last few weeks, writers are experiencing what feels 
like strike three. The global supply of text columns has 
slowed to a trickle.

For almost 600 years, since Johannes Gutenberg invented
the movable-type printing press, the world has been 
awash in text columns. The commoditization of printed 
books, typewriters, the computer revolution - none of 
these enormous technological changes impacted the text 
column supply.

The default column width for a text editor, 80 
characters, is an artifact of the punch cards 
developed by Herman Hollerith and popularized by 
IBM. Ease of use, not supply, was the the limiting 
factor.

Late last year, several major producers of 
text columns shut down, due to Covid-related 
worker outages, labor strife, and disrupted 
supply chains. Warehouses across the globe 
were bursting with text columns, so writers 
have been insulated from the shortage until 
recently.

Columns are now an increasingly scarce 
and precious resource, more so even than
toilet paper and Lysol wipes in 2020. 
Laments popular humor columnist Dave 
Barry, "As if the demise of local 
newspapers wasn't serious enough, now 
this. Columnists will be extinct by 
August. You think a Rowist is going to 
win the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary 
and the Walter Cronkite Award for 
Excellence in Journalism? RUFKM."

In response, President Biden 
authorized the release of 50 
billion columns from the Strategic 
Text Column reserve, which the 
White House says will provide 
immediate relief for writers.

"Even as I answer this question," noted Press Secretary Jen 
Psaki, "writers around the world will see a sudden, sharp spike 
in the availability of columns. We recommend using these columns 
sparingly so that there are enough for everyone. So someone like 
@katyperry might want to hold off on tweeting what brand of 
Sriracha she prefers on her phở to all 108.8 million followers."

Psaki added there will be periodic subsequent releases.

Writers may notice some 
choppiness in the supply of
columns as a result, as infusions of columns bolster the supply but 
then get consumed.

Prognosticators are 
skeptical. "The 
world consumes tens 
of millions of 
columns every 
second," noted Nate 
Silver of 
fivethirtyeight.com.
Releasing 50 billion
columns may have a 
brief positive 
impact, but it won't
solve the crisis."

In a related
development,
the 
MacArthur 
Fellowship 
announced it
has awarded 
a genius 
grant to its
youngest 
recipient, 
9-year old 
Rose Galore,
for 
reframing 
the column 
shortage in 
an ingenious
way. Galore,
who suffers 
from a rare 
form of 
dyslexia,
occasionally
struggles to
distinguish 
horizontal 
and vertical
dimensions.

This led Galore to a stunningly elegant solution. "Everybody,
just turn your screens 90 degrees. Then rows are columns, and 
we have plenty of rows!"

In response, speculators who had been hoarding columns dumped 
massive supplies onto the open market, temporarily relieving the sho
rtage and even creating a brief glut.

Unfortunately, 
this has only 
led to a sudden
tidal wave of 
demand for 
rows, which 
have 
instantaneously
become as 
scarce as 
columns.

Manufacturer
s of both 
rows and 
columns are 
desperately 
trying to 
restore 
plant 
capacity 
before the 
world 
completely 
runs out of
both.

Teenaged
activist
Greta 
Thunberg
had only
sharp 
criticis
m for 
world 
leaders.
"Once 
again, 
the old 
white 
men who 
pull all
the 
levers 
have 
left it 
to our 
planet's
young 
people 
to pay 
the 
check."

Presi
dent 
Biden
has 
invit
ed 
world
leade
rs to
an 
emerg
ency 
summi
t at 
the 
Unite
d 
Natio
ns to
impro
vise 
a 
coord
inate
d 
solut
ion 
befor
e the
world
is no
longe
r ab
le 
t
o