White House hopes to avoid humor rationing

Aardvark to Zeitgeist, Top Humor Mags Feeling Supply Chain Pinch

McConnell’s Intestinal Appendices inflamed over laugh lag

Humor depends on a finely tuned just-in-time supply chain. With the disruption of Covid, the supply of humor has slowed to a snicker. Someone starts a knock-knock joke, could take a day and a half to get to “Who’s There?”

Humorists! Press your advantage. Check out this list of desperate publishers.

Aardvark

Aardvark is America’s top humor magazine.

In lists. They don’t publish much. And by much, we mean ever.

Aardvark is not a publication per se. More a pest with a plum domain name. Aardvark seems to exist only to screw Big Muddydom.

They own aaadvark.com*. Don’t go there.

Big Muddydom

Jolly buccaneers ravage the Missouri River basin, bringing laughter and murder, hijinks and plunder. Wisecrackin’ Cap’n Brearly says,

“Yeah we stab people. Duh. We’re pirates, dummy. Can’t take a joke? Try Duluth. They’re Lutherans and they’re frozen.”

Spin yarns of swashbuckling rogues gaily, and straightly, ravaging the countryside with scabbards, sarcasm, shivs, and satire.**

Here’s September’s prompt!

If you made them walk the plank, purely hypothetically of course, what would you say to each co-host of Fox & Friends as they feebly sank to the bottom, desperately begging for mercy?

Dung Heap

A monthly humor publication forcibly thrust on visitors to municipal dumps, industrial waste pools, and Superfund sites. Even if they have to pin folks down and use duct tape.

Submit stories, jokes, school supplies shopping lists, obsolete tax forms, sweepstakes offers, tide charts, death threats, deprecated Python scripts, vibrator instructions, cringe-worthy spam from Nigerian royalty, obscure fragments of the Fibonacci sequence, screeds, chain letters, crib notes, bowling scoresheets, pi to 1000 places, call-and-response camp songs.

Be funny! Or not. Whatever.

Prefer Roman alphabet. Cyrillic script, ASCII, Kalangu drum talk, Morse code, ASL accepted.

Nothing by Dane Cook or anyone with a similar genome.

Emily Dickinson’s Bong Water

Looking for stories about history, books, technology, or relationships. In short, nothing to do with Emily Dickinson. Or bong water. Confused? Try Dung Heap.

Got bong water? Submit COD.

Gomer and Bubba’s Discount Dozers and Graders Holiday Catalogue

The lighter side of articulated dump trucks, bulldozers, backhoes, and motor graders.

Prefer holiday-themed content, by which they mean Christian, by which they mean Protestant. By which they mean Evangelical. They can’t say that, so they didn’t.

They know where you live. A nod’s as good as a wink. So is a crowbar through your sunroof.

Audience is 100% MAGA patriot. Submissions from blue states automatically rejected. Think twice before including return address.

Hung Deep

Should be obvious what content they want, no?

Hung Deep.

OK then. Try sister publication, Dung Heap.

Kazakhstan Bystander

Each anemic issue is created by a bipolar opium addict and a colorblind third grade artist, and showcased in flyers mimeographed on corrugated cardboard and stapled in debtors prisons.

The Nir-Sultan Times called the Bystander “an essential read for congenital idiots,” but don’t take their word for it. Go to Kazakhstan, ask for Bezkat, and buy a copy. Precious metals only. Drink distilled water. Carry a weapon.

Now accepting pitches for Borat sequels.

Lockjaw

Boutique humor dedicated to symptoms of tetanus. Lockjaw accepts amusing articles about, well, lockjaw.

Prefer jaw open. Include photos and signed HIPAA form.

The Maven

The Maven’s touchstone is “A place to be funny without doing work.”

At Maven, talentless hacks too lazy to crack open a laptop pay the cream of America’s humorists to ghost-write.

Mark Twain, Robert Benchley, Christine Stevens, S.J. Perelman, Roz Chast, Page Barnes, and Anne Beatts are all top mavens.

Maven clients include

• David Barry
• Abyssinia Lay Dah
• Biz Stone
• L. Ron Hubbard
• Woodrow Allen
• Dooley Womack***
• James Fallon

To remove your name send $100, or equivalent value in Medium claps as per current exchange rates, to [email protected].

McConnell’s Intestinal Appendices

Per Occam’s Razor, the “separated at birth” resemblance of Mitch McConnell to the Grim Reaper must stem from the carpet of hemorrhoids stretching north from his rectum to one second of latitude below his pharynx.

McConnell’s Intestinal Appendices, a division of Preparation H, is itching to read your piles of stories.

Heavy-handed italicization clumsily telegraphing joke noted. Requesting mulligan. Maven writers booked solid.

McConnell’s ships complimentary suppositories to contributors. Imagine your family’s surprise when you open your package.

NFT versions of suppositories available. Collect the set!

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude’s motto is “when life gives you lemons, hurl them back and make lemonade from your neighbor’s.”

Readers find solace in hard times by gloating that life is exponentially worse if you’re a Cuomo. Good on ya Andrew!

Writers and photographers! Spread joy with Schadenfreude. Because life is too short not to relish the misery of others.

Zeitgeist

Zeitgeist, a division of Schadenfreude, a division of Volkswagen, a division of Germany, has ceased publication. According to Editor-in-Chief J. Goethe,

Es war nicht der richtige Zeitpunkt in der Geschichte für Zeitgeist.

*Yes, aaaardvark.com too. Et al. Move on.

**Before submitting, run prose through punctuation.annhilation.com. For those addicted to colons, seek counseling from a Mudditor and/or apply for waivers at punctuation.justification.com.

***Yes. The Dooley Womack.

Thank you Amy Sea and Holly J See for encouragement and editing, and Susan Brearley, Page Barnes, and Christine Stevens for being good sports (ex post facto).