Last Night I Dreamed of Keanu Reeves On A Mattress
Speeding through 27 years of sex.
In September 1994, I watched Speed with my girlfriend for the first time and had amazing sex afterward. It was intense, it was wild, and we took our time.
It’s because of this dialog at the end of the movie:
Jack — Keanu: I have to warn you, I’ve heard relationships based on tense experiences never work. Annie — Sandra: Okay. We’ll have to base it on sex then.
In September 1995, we did it again
It was one of these weird ideas she often had. She remembered the three top-notch orgasms she had the year before and wanted to celebrate.
She bought a bus-shaped cake with 25 candles because of the bus number in the movie (2525). She rented the tape and even got some balloons with Keanu and Sandra’s faces on them. (Seriously!)
I still don’t know how we managed to watch the movie all the way through. The sexual tension was at the maximum the moment we pressed play.
But we had an unspoken agreement.
We both knew sex was coming in one hour and fifty-six minutes and wanted to enjoy every second of the wait. It’s one of the most erotic memories of my life. I think we came several times in our heads during the movie.
Then Sandra said her line, “we’ll have to base it on sex then,” and that’s what we did. It was as intense and wild as the year before, but we didn’t take our time. At. All. We were too excited.
In September 1996, she tested me
She didn’t prepare anything, wondering if I would remember the date and organize some celebration.
You bet I did.
What she didn’t know is that the year before, I also had everything ready. I had rented the movie, ordered a cake, and bought 50 candles (because once the bus reaches 50 mph the bomb is armed). But I had kept everything hidden as she was so happy with her surprise celebration.
So, in 1996, I prepared everything, as I had the previous year, but with a twist. I enjoyed the sexual tension we had last time but didn’t want to repeat it.
I was impatient.
Without telling her, I fast-forwarded the tape to the scene where Sandra says her inviting line. In the evening, I put the tape back in the VCR, settled on the couch with my girl, and pressed play. The look on her face when she realized what I had done was priceless.
It worked.
We had amazing sex again. It was intense, wild, and we took our time. Also, we watched the whole movie afterward.
You can guess what happened in September 1997, 1998, and 1999
Just for fun and because it’s a sweet memory, I’ll share with you the line she gave me in 1999:
Pop quiz, hotshot. There’s a VHS tape in a VCR. Once you press play, the film begins. If you watch it till the end, you have sex. What do you do? What do you do?
(If you don’t remember the movie, it’s a remake of this line:
Pop quiz, hotshot. There’s a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?)
The answer is similar in both cases.
You don’t drop below 50 mph, and you don’t stop watching till the movie ends.
September 2000 was special
At the end of the movie, I proposed. I stopped the tape, pressed rewind, took the ring out, and said:
I have to warn you, I’ve heard marriages based on tense experiences never work.
She looked at me, at the ring, back and forth a few times, smiled, and answered:
Okay. We’ll have to base it on sex then.
Fast-forward to the present day
We are in September 2021. I guess you know what that means…
Twenty-seven years ago, Speed was released in movie theaters everywhere. Twenty-seven is a beautiful number. It calls for some celebration. Doesn’t it?
A week ago, I tested our VCR and one of the three Speed VHS tapes we own (to be on the safe side).
Everything works.
Smillew is a writer, a tweeter, a runner, and a huge fan of Keanu Reeves. Some he does well, some not so well, but he still tries them all. You can follow him on Instagram if you can find him.
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